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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

158 replies

user1499173618 · 03/12/2018 16:51

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:18

I don’t think it’s a forever move - 3 or 4 years, probably (usual time frame in her company)

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:19

The job made it more feasible for her to advance in her career, she's now quite senior. Her elder daughter is away at uni and her younger one in doing her A-levels at a college away from home after winning an important bursary.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:20

There are absolutely no visa issues for my friend or children as they as US citizens (they are also citizens of two other countries). And no, they are not in Asia.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:21

Where is the Mom based OP? This is perfectly normal in Asia. Parents often travel extensively for work (or live in another country for work) and leave their children in the care of housekeepers/drivers/nannies etc.

This. I also worked in a famous boarding school. Many of the pupils were the children of Asian parents working abroad.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:22

There are no grandparents - or indeed any other relatives around, except for an older student half-sister who doesn’t live at home.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:22

There are absolutely no visa issues for my friend or children as they as US citizens (they are also citizens of two other countries). And no, they are not in Asia.

Maybe the kids don't want to go and they discussed it together as a family and came up with a solution that works for them. Hmm

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:25

Yes, maybe they all hate each other and are glad to be rid of one another! That’s another way of thinking about it.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 04/12/2018 17:25

Yes it’s weird. Mother or father. Sorry but moving to another country without your kids is terrible!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/12/2018 17:26

I'm going to say 'well done' to her too. Nobody would even comment if a man did this. The housekeeper might be a live-in one, part of the family almost. It was, I think, extremely commonplace for wives to follow their husbands overseas leaving the children with housekeepers, nannies and the like.

There are PLENTY of parents that I secretly think would be doing their children a great service if they too left the parenting to somebody else because despite their notions of excellence, they're not all that. The looking down on other people is moronic.

incallthebloodytime · 04/12/2018 17:26

Perhaps they talked it through and kids feel they are happy with school and friends and are refusing to go so she's going anyway?

I don't know... personally I would find it odd and couldn't do it but perhaps the kids aren't so close and want to stay?

Strokethefurrywall · 04/12/2018 17:27

I really couldn't get too worked up about this.
I can't be arsed to judge a woman for a life choice she's making FOR her family, presumably WITH her family.

And I bet you anything she doesn't have time to dick around judging other women on fucking Mumsnet...

Get a life OP.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:27

There is most definitely not a long-standing part of the family type housekeeper. It’s a bit of a revolving door of staff in that household.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 17:27

No reason why it shouldn't work for all concerned. Well, as long as narrow-minded, officious whinyarses don't pester the children about how 'awful' it is, of course.

I don't know that I would want to take teenagers to the US at the moment. Things are fairly grim in the UK but at least we don't have weekly school shootings, or woman-hating maniacs in positions of sufficient power to cripple any kind of sex education...

incallthebloodytime · 04/12/2018 17:28

Or even better... she's on the run and not going to tell you till she's across the border why

She's actually a mastermind criminal?

I get carried away with the possibilities 😂

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:29

Yes, maybe they all hate each other and are glad to be rid of one another! That’s another way of thinking about it.

Or maybe the kids want to stay put and don't want to go to LA but it's a fantastic opportunity for her career. God forbid the woman want to further the career that's paying the bills and will fund her children's university education and perhaps even a head start in life wrt to house deposits or their being able to take an unpaid internship later on. Hmm Imagine! Someone thinking long-term and planning accordingly and showing an example to her children that you can still have a career and a family.

Bettyswitch · 04/12/2018 17:29

No one would bat a eyelid if this was a bloke!!!!!

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:30

TBH I’m sure it’s massively fiscally advantageous to do this, but I still find it weird.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:31

There is most definitely not a long-standing part of the family type housekeeper. It’s a bit of a revolving door of staff in that household.

You're on a mission to judge her. With friends like you, who needs enemies? Maybe this will make the papers and she can find out what a frenemy she has in you. Nice.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:31

Someone thinking long-term and planning accordingly and showing an example to her children that you can still have a career and a family.

Surely it is proof of the opposite? That you can’t have a career and a family?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/12/2018 17:33

Oh well. Find it 'weird' if you like. I find talking about other people that nobody else knows, weird, but so many seem to do that very thing. Not your business and you sound very gossipy.

I wonder if your 'friend' judges your parenting as you do hers, OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/12/2018 17:33

Agree Lego.

ItIsChristmasTime · 04/12/2018 17:35

I wouldn’t do it but I wouldn’t judge another (male or female) who did.

incallthebloodytime · 04/12/2018 17:39

I would judge another adult IF they didn't consider their reasons when doing it

Because I don't know the reasons I would just think it odd but not really my business to worry over

IF I knew they had considered their reasons and not simply being selfish and fucking off like many men seem to manage.. then I'd think good on her

I think 💭

BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 17:39

No one would bat a eyelid if this was a bloke!

I don't know if you can say these that nobody would bat an eyelid, although of course it wouldn't be seen as such a big deal.

For me, regardless of gender, I can't see why anyone would do this if their life wasn't absolutely dependent on it. And I can't imagine any of my friends or their partners ever doing it. They're all very close families.

Postino · 04/12/2018 17:39

I think it's sad for the dc and I'd like to hear more from people who grew up with this sort of arrangement.

And I would judge a father extremely harshly if he did this (though maybe a lot of people wouldn't)

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