Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

[user1499173618]

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

Sure maybe lots of men do this. Yes it's okay for women to do this...
What I don't get though from this and loads of other threads that are similar is when you take all of the career equality stuff out of it....and taking aside that some people, lots of people really have no choice to work lots of hours to pay the bills.... why do those that do have a choice decide to take career over kids??
Why have children if you don't enjoy them. They grow so quickly. You only have one life. Do lots of people have children because that's just one of the things you do. It doesn't end when you give birth. It's a lifetime commitment. There is so much evidence of all kinds that prove that children need time and commitment from parent/s not just money. Of course it's not right that this has largely fallen to women. And women are sacrificing careers and opportunities, but on the other hand there's no point letting the kids suffer for sake of equality. Really the father should step down his commitments if mother steps up theirs or vice versa. If you have choice. People working 3 minimum wage jobs to keep a roof over their heads don't have that luxury.
Poor kids!
Having kids DOES mean you have to sacrifice some things. It's a bloody balancing act. As the adult you need to be the one to take that on the chin.
Mind you with parents that self centred they probably better off in boarding school!

OP i highly doubt she's doing it for any other reason than to give her family the best possible financial security. Nothing you have told us leads us to believe she'd jet off to LA for a bog standard job that she could do in the UK for the same or similar money.

It's 'weird' because it's extremely unusual for man or a woman to do this. It must be like 0.5% of families in the UK that have this set up. Just because it strikes many of us as odd doesn't mean it's wrong.

Although i try not to get involved in the gratuitous snark on MN Strokethefurrywall hit the nail on the head upthread:

" I really couldn't get too worked up about this.
I can't be arsed to judge a woman for a life choice she's making FOR her family, presumably WITH her family.

And I bet you anything she doesn't have time to dick around judging other women on fucking Mumsnet...

Get a life OP."

icedgemandjelly that's not really fair. They're only choosing career over family to better their family.

Maybe OP's friend wants to be able to pay her kids' uni fees in full. Give them flat deposits. Retire when she's 60 so she can provide free childcare for them.

We don't know her motivations but it's unlikely to be 'oooh great sexy job... Fuck the kids'

I wouldn't do it no matter what the financial benefits were. There are more important things than money.

Maybe OP's friend wants to be able to pay her kids' uni fees in full. Give them flat deposits. Retire when she's 60 so she can provide free childcare for them.

Maybe. But I bet if you asked the children as adults, they would say they'd rather have had their mum (or dad) home than no student debt, a flat deposit, or free childcare.

People see it as unreasonable because the vast majority of women submerge themselves 100% into motherhood. When someone goes against the norm and acts in their own best interest, it obviously raises eyebrows. I would be interested to hear what the children think.

Oh and i forgot to chip in with my story. My dad worked away at least half the year on rigs when we were exactly the ages of OP's friends. My parents were (as far as I'm aware) affording the mortgage and never in debt, we had modest holidays etc and dance lessons but they were dreading retirement.

Dad earnt a killing offshore. Did it on and off for 10 years. They paid of my nan's mortgage. bought BTL flats, funded us through uni, paid for our weddings, lent us money for our own houses. They retired at 60 and now holiday like kings. They spent lots of time with us and we are thick as thieves.

I assure you they did this to better themselves and their family, not because they disliked us.

I take your point... dexy
But amongst those I know, those who are the happiest adults are those who come from caring families, rich or poor.
Surely as parents we just want to bring up well adjusted people. Neglect comes in many forms. It's not just the poor who neglect their children. Emotional unavailability is a form of neglect.
I'm using the strongest language here and of course there's loads of grey areas inbetween.

Icedgemandjelly - in answer to your question lots of people find out they aren’t cut out for motherhood after becoming mothers, it really is that simple. I have a friend who’s kids would honestly be better off in care nevermind boarding school. Her circumstances changed after the 3rd was born, she hates being s mother and is seriously fed up. Someone like her would be better off in LA and paying for uni etc

This thread a chance to judge your friend?

teaandlola it's true they might agree with you or more with me and the other posters who had a (partially / largely) absent parent without it affecting them and they just feel proud of their parents for making sacrifices.

I'm not judging the other woman. This is an online discussion forum. For all we know the person is made up OR is actually the OP.
This could be someone doing their social science dissertation.

I think it is clear that the issue here is not that a woman is going to work away. The issue is that BOTH parents are now going to be absent. If dad worked 9-5 locally or was a SAHP parent it wouldn’t be an issue. Stop making this about sexism. It is about 2 parents removing themselves from their children while they still really need a parent.

icedgemandjelly not denying that at all. Family life is hard enough without being physically absent and families must need to work extra hard to stop resentment, jealousy etc creeping in. But i promise you many children survive these arrangements unscathed, because our parents loved each other and us and made it work

For gods sake, all the cries of “nobody would bat an eyelid at a man doing this” wtf are you on?! YES they bloody would! What kinds of circles do you all go round in?! You need to broaden your friendship horizons!

Incidentally, i think that either parent doing this could cause massive issues with children feeling abandoned. Especially if the parent left at home also spends most of their time working. I would feel bottom of the list.

Some kids wouldn’t mind I suppose, especially if they can holiday out there regularly. You won’t ever know the ins and outs of their set up so you have to trust it as being up to them to make the correct decisions for their family.

Actually, I would bat an eyelid at a man doing this, however the reason that most people find it more shocking when it's a woman is because, given the choice, most kids would choose their mum over their dad.
And I honestly think when you've had children, while they're still dependent their needs come first.

it's utterly shit and I don't understand either Mums or Dads who do this, unless there are extreme financial circumstances (which, as they can afford a house keeper, I'm guessing not. They're just happy to outsource kids to house keeper so they can have fun and see as little of their kids as they can get away with. I've met monied parents like this, who have staff and arrange it so they rarely see their offspring who tend to prefer the staff anyway)

@EndofTether where are all the threads about fathers working abroad then? About military Dads? Cos there’s a lot of them. Some people say they judge men and equally... but this, right here is the actual difference. There would never be a thread from a man or woman judging a man for leaving abroad with the military.

What's the point of the thread? Ooh isn't she awful?
She may be, or she may have any number of reasons that justify what she's doing.

Moominfan - she says those exact words to me, nothing we haven’t said to each other face to face. Fact is once you’ve got kids if you then discover you don’t like it there’s not a lot you can do about it is there ?

That's because its BOTH parents as said above.

Maybe the man/father is being a dick and refusing to step down his commitments to give the woman/mother chance for her career/opportunity BUT even if the hand that's being played is that both pursue their path rather than one step down the fall out is that the kids are left in the care of 'staff.
People are taking exception to this part.

Those pp who mention absent parents are by and large talking about just 1 parent going or grandparents as parents.

Maybe the story here is that the man/father refused to do less. If you want to find a way to make this an equality story than that's it.

I think a lot of women given the choice pick the kids in this situation. Why is this? Society norms? Socialisation? Because women have more empathy? Because men have more opportunities in the first place? I can't answer that.

We don't really know the circumstances. It's all too easy to say we'd never do this. I was thinking if she's in that well paid of a job, I'd rather move areas and get a smaller house or flat and so on, to save money, and a less well paid job in the UK - but then I realised what if that wasn't an option for whatever reason. Maybe the children don't want to move schools and they're private schools and struggling to afford them. Maybe there are family issues or problems we don't know about. So I'm not going to judge, because we don't know the full circumstances.

A friend of mines parents did similar - they both got jobs in the ME that paid enough to pretty much set them up for life after 2 yrs.

My friend was 14 at the time and didn't want to move out there so she lived with her aunt and one of them came back once a month for 3-4 days and she went out there for school holidays. She rarely went 4 weeks without seeing one of them.

She did miss them at times but was old enough to understand why and appreciated the lifestyle the money gave her.

There are some careers where leaving your kids behind at times is a requirement. Jobs like serving in the military.

If you don’t have one of those careers, I can not fathom why you would leave your children behind. A large part of parenting is just being there. Those unplanned moments are what matter the most. I couldn’t live with myself with the message I would be sending my spouse and child by moving away from them.

I am a bit confused, is she leaving her DH? As in breaking up? Or taking an overseas job and intending to stay married?