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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

158 replies

user1499173618 · 03/12/2018 16:51

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 20:31

There would never be a thread from a man or woman judging a man for leaving abroad with the military

Would you like me to start one? I don't think much of men who leave their kids behind to serve in the military.

epicclusterfuck · 04/12/2018 20:36

Will they be able to visit in school holidays, will she fly back regularly? There are ways to make this work.

user1471426142 · 04/12/2018 20:43

It isn’t as simple as judging one parent for taking a career move abroad. It’s the fact that both are likely to be absent for long periods with the kids being brought up by the housekeeper. It wouldn’t be unusual to see one parent travelling and the family following or one parent staying behind. I knew lots of diplomatic service kids at uni and they had all been in boarding school for educational stability for their teenage years.

MakeAWhish · 04/12/2018 20:46

I think it's really sad for the children. But I'm saying that as an emotionally very available person so if I upped and left it would be a massive trauma and wrench for me and my kids. I couldn't bear it. But your friend sounds like she may not have the same relationship with her family, if she is emotionally unavailable. That will have already had an effect on her children, regardless. But also means they'll feel her loss less?
I feel like, ultimately, if I was the child and my mum did this, I'd feel like she was putting her career above her love for me. And that wouldn't make me 'proud' of her, it would make me damn sad.

firstbrightday · 04/12/2018 22:01

Sorry but I would judge any parent who did this. Awful for the kids. Where's the support after a bad day? Or if they're ill? They can't just phone call or Skype anytime because of time differences etc. Just awful

Enko · 05/12/2018 11:10

Dh was given the chance to work abroad for a couple of years with the additional offer of his family coming along. We looked into it but decided that with the ages the children were (similar to your friend op) this was not a viable option. DH traveled back and forth for 1 year before finding a different job. That was tough in itself but at least it gave the children some sort of normality at home.

May be similar to that

Puggles123 · 05/12/2018 11:19

There would never be a thread from a man or woman judging a man for leaving abroad with the military

Probably because if they are getting posted there will be the opportunity for the family to move with them (obviously personal choice whether you want to or not!); and if deployed this will be for up to 6ish months, with R&R in the middle for a visit home- and support networks/community and other help available to the family left back home.

Footle · 05/12/2018 12:02

I have never heard anyone rate themselves or anyone else on their 'emotional availability'
before.

Graphista · 05/12/2018 12:47

"@EndofTether where are all the threads about fathers working abroad then? About military Dads? Cos there’s a lot of them. Some people say they judge men and equally... but this, right here is the actual difference. There would never be a thread from a man or woman judging a man for leaving abroad with the military"

Because as I said upthread it's not the same - there's also a LOT of women serving in the military who are away for a few months at a time but primarily do spend their time with their families when they're home. But again really not the same thing, it's not ongoing for years with families completely living on different continents. It's very rare that neither parent is around for the children - even if both parents are military, they tend to try and organise it so at least one parent is home, and there's use of boarding schools or employees who are actually trained/qualified in childcare or both, not some barely known housekeeper.

Assuming it really is LA and op hasn't changed this location to avoid outing, I really can't believe there's any good reason the children at least couldn't have gone with the mother, and by the sounds of it the husband could be based there too? Or as has been pointed out the husband could change his work to be there more for the children. For BOTH parents to effectively abandon these kids is atrocious.

"Probably because if they are getting posted there will be the opportunity for the family to move with them (obviously personal choice whether you want to or not!); and if deployed this will be for up to 6ish months, with R&R in the middle for a visit home- and support networks/community and other help available to the family left back home." Exactly. I think the posters trying to equate this situation with military family life don't actually know very much about military family life!

Original poster
user1499173618 · 05/12/2018 12:53

I do not think there is any possibility of my friend’s partner moving to LA. He only has one nationality, which is not US, and his job is not negotiable and he needs an income. So he couldn’t move to LA to be a non working spouse.

OP posts:
Shitlandpony · 05/12/2018 12:56

I always want to advance search the posters on threads like this who angrily call others gossipy or judge, just to check you know, that they never indulge in a fairly common human pastime.

Alaaya · 05/12/2018 13:03

Military families are massively different. For a start, I don't think I know a single military family who even have a housekeeper! Deployment is going to be six months or so (which is hard, I agree) but whenever that happens the kids stay with the other parent. I know a couple of families where both parents serve, but there the kids tend to go to boarding school and spend a lot of time with grandparents etc, and even then, that's not for years at a time.

I think it's the housekeeper thing that's so jarring. I don't get how this family are so rich that they can afford a 24/7 employee to look after their kids, but can't afford to have one parent risk being out of work while looking for jobs in the same country.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 05/12/2018 13:06

Alaaya - my friend has a perfectly good job that is very well paid, but she has been complaining for a while that it is boring and she has been looking for something else. She travels a lot Internationally for work as it is.

OP posts:
Alaaya · 05/12/2018 15:08

In which case surely she could support her partner to follow her and become a trailing spouse?

I'm really normally not judgy but I just can't see how having kids raised by a housekeeper is remotely responsible parenting. I'm also surprised they've got a housekeeper willing to do it - to give up on her own life and home and effectively act as a foster mother for these children.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 05/12/2018 15:11

Her partner has an ex wife and child to support, so he cannot give up work

OP posts:
Original poster
user1499173618 · 05/12/2018 15:12

As I said up thread, my friend changes HK pretty often. As you point out, it’s not a great job!

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 05/12/2018 15:18

What’s the point in having kids if you’re not going to raise them? If you are so focused on your job, great, but kids need time and support from their parents. A housekeeper or a boarding school is hardly a replacement for a parent.
Some people have kids when they really shouldn’t have bothered.

IdaBWells · 05/12/2018 15:21

IMO these are crucial years for kids and they need parental support and guidance. Children are a major responsibility and the eldest could be out of the house in a few years. You'll never get those years back or the opportunity to mould them and their characters. My mum died when I was 13 and my brother was almost 11. My dad was not able to care for us and in and out of the house. The situations are not the same and we did not have a housekeeper or any other help but IMO these parents are very likely compromising their children's well being, especially emotionally.

Alaaya · 05/12/2018 15:22

Honestly, then I hope she is willing to pay for her kids to go to a decent boarding school. That at least gives them some kind of stability. The set up as described just seems awful.

I did once know a girl who's parents pretty much did as your friend wants to do though. By the time she was 15 she was living in the family home with her two older teen sibs and a revolving door of cleaners etc. They at least did go to boarding school and it was just the holidays they ran wild so they got their A levels at least but holy crap! I went to some of their parties and I would not want a daughter of mine living that lifestyle at 15!

Racecardriver · 05/12/2018 15:30

Very strange but understandable given that she is so screwed up.

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 05/12/2018 15:31

Is this the point where we find out the OP's friend is Nicole Kidman or something?

Original poster
user1499173618 · 05/12/2018 15:32

Is this the point where we find out the OP's friend is Nicole Kidman or something?

LOL. No, bog standard international corporate career!

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 05/12/2018 15:38

I would bat a MASSIVE fucking eyelid if this were a bloke. And I do at her too.

It would be different if the other parent (either gender!) was around most of the time. But her partner works away from home a lot. They will effectively be left to their own devices beyond their maintenance. A relatively new or changing procession of housekeeper(s) isn't going to give you a hug when your boyfriend breaks up with you or let you climb into bed with them at night if they have a bad dream, or read their creative writing homework and tell them it's brilliant. These children will grow up hardly seeing either parent by the sounds of it and frankly, if that's the situation the parents are both happy with what on EARTH do they want children for?

Making this about feminism is a massive red herring. It's not about not being entitled to pursue a career opportunity because she's a woman, it's about neither her nor her husband being obliged to compromise, coordinate and make sure that between them they can be there for their kids as much as possible. Because they are parents.

BruegelTheEIder · 05/12/2018 15:43

The reason people would take less notice if it was a man is not because it's more acceptable for a man to abandon his kids, just that we're more used to it because it happens more often. Doesn't make it any more ok though.

5fivestar · 05/12/2018 16:09

I can assure you even the family court didn’t seem to mind pissing off for 5 months from ex husband. I doubt a mother would have received such understanding

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