Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

[user1499173618]

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

You CAN’T. Not can. Fat finger + autocorrect are a bad combo

Why are you concerned OP? It is their decision and I am sure they have worked it out.

But the last place on this earth I would to would be to plastic LA. Ugh. But I'm not the one going either.

Flowerpot - you are dead right, “emotionally unavailable” describes her perfectly.

I'm going to say 'well done' to her too. Nobody would even comment if a man did this There would be a lot more negative comments if it was a man.

Personally I couldn't do it. But I am sure she will be judged more harshly than a man doing the same thing. Perhaps the children didn't want to move? Transitioning between US and UK education systems is tricky.

I find it very odd that both parents won’t be there much for their kids. I can’t imagine ever wanting to do this. You’d miss out on so much of your DC’s lives.

It is weird. She's obviously happier when she is away from her children. There is no other explanation. For people who find their emotions disturbing and upsetting, then unfortunately they are happiest with acquaintances where they can distance themselves from their feelings.

Valasca - you do know there are citizenships you cannot renounce? Which doesn’t mean you have to have all the passports!

I would absolutely bat an eyelid if a man or woman planned to move to the west coast for 3-4 years without their children (I’m assuming from the UK). I’m amazed at all those people who think this is totally normal. This isn’t over the pond the distance and time difference is significant. That said if the plan is for the children to spend every holiday in LA and term times in the UK I suppose it’s not altogether different from boarding school.

The kids would be better off in boarding school. I couldn't do it but horses for courses 🤷‍♀️

One of the ladies I work with is here with her Dh while her children, who are late teens and heading to University, are living in the Philipines with their grandparents. She and her Dh go back every two years to visit for a month and they support the whole family with what they earn here, When she retires they will move back and give the children a chance to travel for work if they want while they look after any grandchildren. Seems odd to me, but very common for them.

This is just going to be one of those threads where you drip feed it is actually a man for an aha isn't it?

I moved to the UK to Asia for twice for fantastic jobs - my OH and 2 DS stayed in the UK as he didn't want to move there. My OH was a SAHD though.

Being emotionally unavailable isn't your friends fault as such, it's the result of her upbringing, she honestly doesn't know any other way.

To clarify - when I said fair play other, it was in the spirit of why shouldn’t she get a chance at her dream job? Why should she have to potentially compromise her career while husband does a lot of travel to presumably promote his?

I agree, Flowerpot. Her upbringing was very difficult and although it pained her greatly and she has tried to address it (a lot of therapy) she has never managed to do so.

"Wow, no one would judge a man who did this." I would!

It's appalling behaviour by both parents! The very least they should be doing is having the kids in boarding school and covering the holidays between them.

Those poor kids basically being abandoned by their parents. High school age is just as important as other ages, they need support at stressful times dealing with peer pressure, school pressure, boyfriends/girlfriends drama, finding their identity...

Why even bother having kids if you Cba raising them!

I'm an army brat and ex wife of an army soldier, it's not the same at all. Forces people are only away for months not years, they get extra leave if they've been deployed in theatre to spend with their family when they come back and mostly if posted overseas to longer term postings these are usually in safe places and the families usually go with them. Also forces children sometimes go to boarding school. They're not generally left with whichever housekeeper is working at the house at the time! Usually at least one parent is home permanently (and not always mum).

I'd judge anyone I know who did this and I couldn't remain friends with them.

I think the Philippines example is somewhat different. As I understand it working in the West if you are from the Philippines can be transformational for a family in terms of housing and education - the other options may not be so compelling. If my w
Irking in LA would assure the financial security of my family and educate my children then I dare say I would consider it too.

I’d like to chime in here as my Dad did something similar. He worked in US for about 15 years when my DBs and I were little, finally returning when I was about 11. He used to work away for 3 months then come home for a month. We all stayed with my Mum in U.K., mainly because the sort of work he was doing wasn’t conducive to family life (rarified branches of engineering so very secretive). He used to phone us 2-3 times per week and was very engaged in our lives and when he came home he was pretty much full time dad. I don’t remember it being difficult at all, we all seem reasonably well adjusted and my DPs are about to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary. What works for some families may be horrifying to others, but really it is very similar to military or diplomatic family life. Frankly it sounds like the OP just wants to criticise her friend for living a family life that she wouldn’t want herself.

Totally selfish. But as long as she’s happy, right?

Well I judge both parents equally, they're putting their careers before their kids and somewhere down the line it'll come back to bite them on the arse.
Poor kids being made to feel like second best.

I can't imagine making that choice myself. When I was 13 I was sent to live with my Dad for a year and a half, and he worked late most nights so he hired a woman to be there when I got home from school. At weekends he was busy going out with his friends. I had a very sad and lonely year and a half and pretty much parented myself during that time. It didn't turn out very well - I skipped school a lot.

So I don't think it's a great idea to leave the kids to their own devices. Boarding school would be totally different as it's all organised and structured so that kids needs are taken care of. But who knows, maybe the housekeeper is miraculously also able to be a wonderful stand-in parent?!

I wonder who will decide what time the kids need to come back home if they go out to a party, or pick them up from somewhere, or stay awake in the night watching their phones for messages from them when they're out late?

It doesn't sound very practical to me.

Hope the daily mail don’t get hold of this as it’s very outing.

I would judge a mother or father for doing this when their kids were that young. No job is that important.

When I lived in Spain I had two female friends that were from other countries in Europe (one Romanian and one Italian) and they had travelled to Spain for a better job and left their children behind. One of them sent for her son after about 3 years, saving money. The other has lived there 10 years now and her children still in Italy so they must be teens by now.