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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone NOT get financial help from parents these days?

356 replies

Milly848 · 03/12/2018 09:43

It seems everyone around me is getting money for house deposits or even full houses from their parents. These people are in their late 20s and 30s. I'm not sure if it's the area I live in, or if it's normal.

It makes me feel quite bad, as my parents haven't given me a penny since I was 18, let alone thousands for a deposit. I've had to save everything from the work I earn, and I'm on a relatively low wage. I thought this was the norm, but now I'm feeling it's the exception.

Is it possible these days to get by without financial help/inheritance?

OP posts:
Foofloofah · 05/12/2018 01:42

I don’t begrudge anyone for getting financial and/or free childcare from their parents or families. Isn’t that the entire point of being a family? If they can help they should want to. That’s what I will do for my kids too. They will want for nothing if I play my cards right. Childcare? They can feck off. I will be so over kids by the time my lot reproduce and probably will still be working anyhow!

nokidshere · 05/12/2018 01:47

I'm 57 and have never had a penny from my parents, or childcare, or gifts, or anything really. DH has stood on his own two feet since he was 17, not because his parents wouldn't help him but because they couldn't. I can honestly say that I have never once even thought about what my friends might get from their parents in terms of financial, emotional or practical support because whatever they do or don't get has absolutely no impact on my life.

But I would be very sad if my children felt that they couldn't ask me for help if they needed it. As long as I have food, petrol, and a roof over my head they could have my last penny if they needed it. I would never see them struggle knowing I was in a position to help them.

2 yrs ago this Christmas my lovely MIL died, she left enough for us to pay off our mortgage which has lifted some financial burdens from us. For that I am extremely grateful. My children are still dependant teens, but I would never want them to be too proud to ask for help if they needed it, nor would I not share anything I have with them in under the guise of teaching "life lessons". Even as teenagers they are grateful for anything we give them, they neither expect or demand it. They completely understand that sometimes we can help and sometimes we might not be able to.

OnlyJoking1 · 05/12/2018 02:34

I spent my childhood in children’s homes and foster care.
I got 3 paper rounds when I was 13, i opened a running away account, i saved 2 paper rounds and spent 1.
I was kicked out at 17, stayed on various sofas, till i rented a place, I completed my SW training and got my first proper job.
I got a mortgage on my starting salary of £8181.
I knew i was never going to get an inheritance or any financial support, like a lot of my friends did.
30 years on, a lot of friends have had big inheritances.
I’m mortgage free and owe nothing to anyone, that feels good.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 05/12/2018 07:35

So many people saying that they haven't had a penny from their parents - yet use their parents/inlaws for free childcare all the time!!

My children have never even been babysat by any grandparent for an evening let alone childcare. My parents expected me to pay market value to borrow their holiday home! My dad (widowed and remarried) is very well off but apparently the law in the country where he now lives states everything must be left to spouse if children are over 18.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/12/2018 07:51

So many people saying that they haven't had a penny from their parents - yet use their parents/inlaws for free childcare all the time!!

Yes, I find it incredibly annoying when people who have free childcare on tap do not appreciate how lucky they are.
I remember once having a conversation with a friend complaining that her parents had given her brother £1000 but not given her anything. I pointed out that her parents had looked after her DC for 2 days a week since they were little (all day as pre-schoolers, then after school and holidays as school children) plus at least one evening, often an overnight at least once a month and occasional weekends. She still genuinely couldn't see that she was the one who'd done well out of the arrangement.

Thanksnext · 05/12/2018 08:05

The op was about giving large sums of money to help with deposits etc. I think contributing to childcare is completely different.

FilthyforFirth · 05/12/2018 08:13

We bought our house through inheritance, which almost everyone who owns in my circle has. I have two friends who saved up themselves to buy, in London.

So it is possible, but hard and you need a decent wage really.

ShatnersWig · 05/12/2018 08:41

In my 40s. Never had any financial help from my parents. Don't know anyone in my circle of friends who has. This is excluding anyone benefiting from an inheritance when their parent(s) have died.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 05/12/2018 08:47

You have to be realistic about the contribution of childcare. Someone has to look after the children and there will be a cost to it.

My parents did this for my sister and I was pleased that Bil looked around the beautiful house they have and said they couldn't have done it without my parents. I was pleased that he appreciated it, though he was saying it like he'd just discovered a new element!

Sigh81 · 05/12/2018 08:49

Never got any financial help from my parents. But am proud to be self-sufficient. It did mean I was blinkered in terms of going for a career which I knew would pay well because I knew I could only rely on myself!

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 05/12/2018 08:51

My parents do childcare for both my sisters, lent them huge deposits (all paid back now but still) and are looking to downsize and buy my youngest sibling a flat.

Guess how much I got? I’m the eldest btw.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/12/2018 08:56

Another reason could be that people are inheriting later as their parents live longer and by the time they do, they have already paid off mortgages and possibly retired so not really needing the money therefore may as well give it to their DC for house deposits.
I'm sure if we inherit anymore, we will do the same because our mortgage will be gone in two years and we are retiring early. I suppose it's extra financial security but we simply won't need any money.
Our four parents are all still going strong and we hope to spend more time doing stuff with the pil when we do retire.

Mississippilessly · 05/12/2018 09:00

Nothing here except £1000 towards our wedding.

I was lucky enough to find a job that included accomodation and we managed to save a deposit of 100k.

AlwaysSomethingThere · 05/12/2018 09:13

My parents don't have money but they treat me when they can (a meal out for example or money towards a holiday). I treat them too when I can, which isn't often anymore because I'm killing myself to save a house deposit. If they won the lottery they would give me the ticket. As a child I heard the words 'no' and 'we can't afford it' very often... BUT every Christmas morning there would be a ton of presents for me that they had saved all year for. Colouring books and roller skates and art sets not laptops and & £500 phones that so many entitled little brats get these days. I appreciate all the little things now but yes when I see 30 year olds who shrug at the idea of having houses paid for them I could cry.

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 05/12/2018 09:18

My dh.

Faxthatpam · 05/12/2018 13:47

My mum died before I had my children. I got some inheritance when my lovely Dad died. I would swap that money for more time with my dad or the chance for my children to know their grandmother a million times over. Everyone had different lives - we don't really know what goes on in them. Each to their own, try not to be envious (though I know this can be hard), live your best life, that's all you can do.

LBOCS2 · 05/12/2018 16:01

Doing childcare for free is providing massive financial assistance IMO - it's over £1100 a month for full time care around here. If I didn't have to pay that then I could obviously save considerably more.

We received help; I inherited directly from my grandmother as DM was already in her 60s and didn't need the money. That enabled us to buy our current home. DM died a couple of years ago so DSis and I have inherited from her, and part of the future planning I'm doing is to be able to provide deposits to our three DC as well.

TeaStory · 05/12/2018 17:37

TeaStory that's horrible! Where were you supposed to go during the holidays?????

@SusieQ5604 I rented a room as a lodger.

littlejlb · 05/12/2018 19:58

My husband was left a nice sum of money from his father when he passed away. The funds came from him selling his house and moving into sheltered accommodation. Hubby used funds for a deposit on a flat we both moved into. My mother refuses to help in any way shape or form financially. Had my own father had the funds, he would have helped however he could. We are now in the situation where we are a family and get help at all in anyway shape or form and it makes it hard.

MITCHELL33 · 06/12/2018 06:49

Never had a penny from my parents as they didnt have it.However in laws did never offered roll on a few years they both need care which they are paying a fortune for.I would have helped them had they helped us "yes feeling smug as what goes round comes around".

ArtisanPopcorn · 06/12/2018 07:23

I've received a fair bit of money/childcare. I think it will be even harder for our children's generation.
Part of the reason I've only had one child is that I want to be able to help her a bit financially when she's older. I don't think we would be able to help significantly if we had more than one.

Boulty · 06/12/2018 09:13

I am older but never had any help when buying first or second house. Just saved, then was careful and went without to buy and furnish gradually.

It appears to be the done thing for some to subsidize everything from car/deposit/holidays etc now.

Bochym · 07/12/2018 23:09

Case of having to get by but parents will go to extraordinary lengths to help out if it gets really tough for you.

Thing is they struggled like hell to keep a roof over your head, clothes on your back, money in your pocket, fire in the grate, food on the table, ferry you around, Christmas presents, holidays etc etc so now they want to take some for themselves and retirement in the future.

Buy an ex-Council house in a reasonable area. What you get and do will be off your own back and worth more than what al the people getting help manage. Never compare - it causes disenchantment, disappointment and would make you seem ungrateful for the love your parents gave you and still do.

MrsRobert · 08/12/2018 15:22

It's normal for most people I know to have received house deposits from their parents. It's a bit annoying when people (including PIL) point out that we could do all sorts of house improvements or mention we could have bought a new build or bigger house. I want to point out that BIL and SIL and others got help with their homes from family!

PhaLANge · 08/12/2018 15:32

I'm of the age group in the op and yes it does seem like everyone else has a very generous bank of mum and dad and if not you're in the minority. I don't begrudge anyone except when they go on about buying a house like it's a massive achievement and they're so successful - yes recieving a gift of someone else's money must be such hard work Hmm

I've never received anything off mine and don't expect to inherit either. That's ok, we work hard and save hard and I expect to be able to help my kids a bit when the time comes, but will definitely be encouraging a good work/saving ethic in them and teach them the value of things not just let them sponge or give hand outs willy nilly. If nothing else my parents have taught me to take care of myself and I think that's a valuable lesson.

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