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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone will judge her? (Traveller)

200 replies

namechange120 · 02/12/2018 15:52

My DH is 'half' traveller (gypsy) his mum was a full gypsy and his dad isn't one at all, so he was brought up as a 'traveller' but luckily he has both worlds so took the good from each and became a really great man ANYWAY, AIBU to think that people will judge our DD if they was to be told her dad is from a gypsy community?

He doesn't have any involvement with that side of his family now or his mum & dad but obvs he has taken a lot away from his upbringing and has certain 'ways' in life. all of our friends know his back ground, they don't judge us because they know him but I'm worried when she starts school next year people will judge our DD I also feel it will be worse for her than for our DS....

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 02/12/2018 18:43

Pikey is not a nice word

AamdC · 02/12/2018 18:44

Well if the father is also 13 its unlikey a 13 yr old girli has been abused Emuntitled but having said that i would never kick a 13 yr old child pregnant or not out of the house i dont have girls only boys but am 17 yr old srep daughter they would need so much support though

Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 18:44

Ok let me put it straight for you all... DD will be going to school till she decides otherwise (after 16) she will be allowed to friends party's, and she will be allowed out with her cousins siblings and friends alone from 13 but she would have to be dropped off / picked up (town isn't round the corner for us) she won't be going out at night to party's at 14 years old but she can go to sleepovers, If we trust the parents then there isn't a problem is there ? She is not going to be tied to her bed and only let out to go to school ffs ! Just because I don't want my DD going to town ALONE at 12 doesn't mean she will never have freedom, and YES she will be 100% educated on sex and why she shouldn't be doing it until she is old enough to understand the consequences! I just love mumsnet you say 2 sentences and everyone knows your life story.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 18:46

@Oblomov18 obviously you don't understand the meaning of alone do you. A bit weird!

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 02/12/2018 18:46

OP, so am I right to presume what you mean is: You are going to have high moral expectations as gypsies do but your dd won't be raised in the same way as gypsy girls.
As in no woh allowed, arranged marriage, leaving school after primary, married at 16, pregnant just before, and subservient to men.

AamdC · 02/12/2018 18:48

High the law would diagree woth you if a 13/+4"yr old girl became pregnant by a 13/+4 yr old boy

ThatOneHurt · 02/12/2018 18:48

I've lived in a place where travellers are widely accepted.

I now live in a place where they very much aren't.

It depends, but I don't see why it would ever even mentioned tbh.

gamerwidow · 02/12/2018 18:48

Going to town at 12 is normal, to mooch around the shops with her friends
Yes and how is she even going to get to secondary school and back if she’s not allowed on town with her friends. In my area at least you’d need to go via town to get a bus to your school.

ThatOneHurt · 02/12/2018 18:49

love mumsnet you say 2 sentences and everyone knows your life story.

It's ridiculous isn't it?

gamerwidow · 02/12/2018 18:51

Cross posts that sounds more reasonable OP. Though it’s a bit arbitrary to say she can go to town at 13 but not 12 it’s not extreme by any definition.

Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 18:52

@RomanyRoots where are you from? It wasn't like that for my DH, the men were better than the women but they didn't have to stand up for them but definitely raise the children clean the trailer make the meals. His grandad was definitely 'top dog' and everyone had to do what he said, he got beaten a lot as a child along with his siblings & cousins but as you will know he was never going to be the favourite because his dad is a 'gorger'

He didn't want to marry a gypsy woman because he didn't want to fight her dad/brothers etc, and didn't want to be stuck in that life.

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Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 18:54

@RomanyRoots exactly, more like a strict parent I guess! It's something I never had and something DH had to much of so in the middle is what's best to us.

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RomanyRoots · 02/12/2018 18:57

OP, my family were similar with the rules of being accompanied, I think it can be a bit restrictive, but when the whole family live together, aunties, cousins it helps to encourage kinship.
However, will this work without the extended family? Most of these traditions died when gypsies settled in houses.

I think your idea is a good one, but why not just be sensible when it comes to what freedom you allow your dc.
We had similar boundaries with our dc, but that was what we believed as parents, and nothing to do with me being Romany.

Please reconsider OP, there's nothing wrong with having good morals and high standards. Do some research into the past and educate your dd about gypsy communities and the history. There are lots of websites and museums where you can learn lots.
Give her knowledge not restrictions.
My kids were never allowed to hang around at secondary age. They had lifts and we knew where they were at all times.

AutumnCrow · 02/12/2018 19:01

I think the school leaving age has risen to 17 or 18, hasn't it?

rubyslipper1 · 02/12/2018 19:01

@romanyroots think youve read too many books on what it is to be a gypsy. arranged marriage? stand up for men when they enter a room?
most gypsy women ate outspoken and very strongwilled , our girls are treated like queens , not what you describe at all

Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 19:01

@RomanyRoots that's what we are going for, I don't ever want her to feel like ' I can't do anything, I'm trapped' I want her to always be able to come to me, if she wants to go into town with a long term friend she is more than welcome to but she will be dropped of and picked up as well as expected to answer the phone when we ring. I don't think thats to unreasonable, I was left to do what ever I wanted as a young teen and even though I was no were near as bad as my friends I just wish someone would of been there to pull me back a bit. My DH was not allowed to do ANYTHING even as a man he was given so many rules. He left when he was 15! So I won't be doing that to our DC

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Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 19:03

@AutumnCrow No, when children leave high school they are expected to go to sixth form, College or find a job. They can't claim JSA anymore basically!

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TwistedChristmas · 02/12/2018 19:04

Totally confused by this thread Confused

twattymctwatterson · 02/12/2018 19:04

So op just to clarify. What exactly WOULD you do if your daughter was pregnant at 13? Would you put her out onto the streets as a frightened child and leave her to fend for herself? Where would you expect her to go?

Oblomov18 · 02/12/2018 19:07

The more you post, the more it seems that there is quite a bit of traveller history re your Dh.

Most school mums will be able to spot it a mile off. I would be able to.

EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 19:09

OP: I want her to always be able to come to me

Unless she's pregnant of course.

You have changed the story significantly from "not allowed to go to town aged 12" to "has to be dropped off in town as it's not close by". That is not the same and is reasonable.

Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 19:09

@twattymctwatterson probably have a heart attack, then sit her down and talk about it, because guess what... I'm not my husband and also he wouldn't know what he would do either because in reality nobody knows what they would do in a situation until its happened and your dealing with it in real life!

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Original poster
namechange120 · 02/12/2018 19:11

@EmUntitled NOT ALLOWED ALONEEEEEEEEEEE DID NO ONE READ THAT PART? Alone means by her self with no one else...

OP posts:
EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 19:14

@AutumnCrow
They dont have to stay in school but they have to be in some sort of education.

After leaving school at 16 you must then do one of the following until you’re 18:

stay in full-time education, for example at a college

start anapprenticeshiportraineeship

spend 20 hours or more a week working or volunteering, while in part-time education or training

(Gov.uk)

Sugarformyhoney · 02/12/2018 19:14

You need to get hiw you want to parent dd straight before you start worrying about her traveller heritage.
There seems to be an element of shame when you say your husband has left it all ‘behind’.
I think your own perceptions and conflicting feelings will cause dd more harm than the opinions of her friends tbh

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