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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think someone will judge her? (Traveller)

200 replies

namechange120 · 02/12/2018 15:52

My DH is 'half' traveller (gypsy) his mum was a full gypsy and his dad isn't one at all, so he was brought up as a 'traveller' but luckily he has both worlds so took the good from each and became a really great man ANYWAY, AIBU to think that people will judge our DD if they was to be told her dad is from a gypsy community?

He doesn't have any involvement with that side of his family now or his mum & dad but obvs he has taken a lot away from his upbringing and has certain 'ways' in life. all of our friends know his back ground, they don't judge us because they know him but I'm worried when she starts school next year people will judge our DD I also feel it will be worse for her than for our DS....

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2018 18:09

The only one I’m judging here is you op. I’m pitying your dd if you want to bring her up traditional subservient traveller. Poor kid. Sad

CoperCabana · 02/12/2018 18:12

People do know about sexual predators. Hence they would support a daughter who became the victim of one.

AlexaShutUp · 02/12/2018 18:12

I certainly allowed my dd to go into town when she was 12. As for getting pregnant at an early age, I hope to prevent this by educating her properly rather than controlling her every move, but if she did end up in that situation, I wouldn't be turning my back on her.

I'm sure that there are families in the travelling community with far more enlightened views than your DH. You're clearly uncomfortable with the implications for your daughter, otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread.

CaptainBrickbeard · 02/12/2018 18:12

Oh my god. If I had a 13 yr old daughter who got pregnant, open arms is exactly what I’d have! It would be terrifying and so hard for a child to go through - under no circumstances would I throw out my own vulnerable child! That’s horrendous.

AamdC · 02/12/2018 18:14

I know Positivileyas can my boys if Brexit goes tits up(as they have an irish grandparent) handy really 😁

SoyDora · 02/12/2018 18:15

but no she won't be going out on her own to town at 12 years old

You know there’s a middle ground being allowed into town on their own at 12, and being chaperoned every time they leave the house until 16?

SmallDalek · 02/12/2018 18:17

I’d not judge your DD but would seriously question why you are choosing to deny her the equality that women have been fighting for for so long? I’m not from a Traveller background but was brought up by my orthodox Jewish parents in a way that restricted my education, my freedom and general life choices. When I had DC there was no way I could have done that to her. It would have felt utterly abhorrent and to be putting her at a huge disadvantage in life. She was brought up with the tools to take calculated risks in life, to enjoy a good social life and do appropriate things at an appropriate age. And yes she did go into town at 12 or 13 with her friends. Your DD deserves to not live in fear of making mistakes, constantly worry whether she’s breaking ‘the rules’ and generally being a ‘good girl’. I’d not have been happy if my DD had got pregnant at 14 but there is no way on this earth I could have thrown her own her home for it. Why do you want your daughter to grow up subject to such rigid and unfair rules?

fluffydinosaur · 02/12/2018 18:17

i think the "going into town at 12" is a bit of a red herring in that different parents may give their children that kind of freedom at different ages depending on their own views/what their children are like/what the area is like. OP - would you allow your daughter to go into town alone aged 13/14/15? or not until 16? what about going to other childrens parties (where there would be adults but not necessarily your own family), or going to play at friends houses, or to the cinema etc? i think if you dont allow that kind of thing then it may make it difficult for her to develop good friendships etc (regardless of whether she experiences any discrimination)

Thesearmsofmine · 02/12/2018 18:20

What would happen if your son became a father at a young age? Would he also be kicked out?

Bimwit · 02/12/2018 18:23

Yes, people will judge. They always do, and everyone has something they can be judged for.

diddl · 02/12/2018 18:24

"16 is adult to him and then she's a 'woman for herself' "

What does that even mean?

Legally she would still be a child.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/12/2018 18:25

My kids friends know absolutely nothing about their grandparents aside from nanny took them to Wales for a week and grandad took them to Southend for a week.

I understand why you’re worried but no one will know unless you tell them.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/12/2018 18:26

Is your DH's family Gypsy or Traveller? Because, you know, they are two different things. Lots of subtle differences and lots of issues between the two groups.

Interesting that you say your DH has rejected the lifestyle, and yet still intends to raise his daughter "traditionally". Not all children who go to town by themselves get pregnant. We have a very large Traveller (not Gypsy) community round here, and for all they say their girls don't go to town on their own, they DO!

Hohocabbage · 02/12/2018 18:27

Why did your dh decide he didn't want to marry a traveller, but yet wants his dd to be one?

Oblomov18 · 02/12/2018 18:27

Every time OP posts, it seems contradictory.
We have big travelling communities here. We can spot them a mile off. Ds's can too. They keep to themselves. You wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of them. I'll never have a problem with them, because Dh grew up with lots of them and knows them. But other people don't have that benefit.

It's hard to comment on this thread. Depends how much of a traveller op really is.

diddl · 02/12/2018 18:28

What are the good bits of his upbring that he wants to pass on?

13thWarriorWitch · 02/12/2018 18:30

So, the plan is to raise your kids "as travellers" with all the attendant rules and restrictions but do so without being a part of the traveller community (where such an upbringing might be somewhat normalised as compared to the regular community they will see all around them)
Hate to break it to you, but that's never going to work.

At best they'll end up resentful and rebellious.

I don't think you have thought this through at all.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2018 18:31

Every time OP posts, it seems contradictory.

Yep...

PortiaCastis · 02/12/2018 18:31

I think we're all well aware of knife crime thanks

Highginx · 02/12/2018 18:33

OP if your 13/14 year old daughter becomes pregnant, she’s been raped. She can’t consent until she’s over the age of 16. Please take care with how you’re talking about children. And educate yourself about sexual predators before you imprison your daughter for their crimes.

Racecardriver · 02/12/2018 18:33

There is a certain kind of person that judges someone based on their ethnicity. It really doesn’t matter what that kind of person thinks.

Oblomov18 · 02/12/2018 18:35

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RomanyRoots · 02/12/2018 18:38

OP, my cousin is on the run somewhere. She did nothing wrong, her parents just chose the wrong man for her.
You know that if married and divorced the woman leaves the community, without her child.
The children belong to the males.
How much do you know about the culture, OP.
Do you and your female relatives stand up when your husband comes in?
Because that is what it's like living in a gypsy/ traveller community. Your dd is to be raised solely to provide children and housekeeping.

Figgygal · 02/12/2018 18:40

Having read your updates yes ffwd to her teenage years when she can't do things with friends unchaperoned or even do play dates or sleepovers before that YOU will be ostracising your dd don't blame anyone else.

You would allow that Misogynistic bollocks to be inflicted on your daughter unnecessarily.....ok then

funnylittlefloozie · 02/12/2018 18:40

13thwarriorwitch you make a very good point.

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