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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

245 replies

tryingtosortmylifeout · 01/12/2018 22:39

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook (Hmm) so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, Hmm) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

OP posts:
howabout · 02/12/2018 20:24

I love authentic home cooked food but unless you have Mexican heritage your Chile is likely not up to much. Wish I had paid more attention when I was wee and then my mince and tatties would be as good as my Grannie's. She learned to cook when she was "in service" in a big house in the Highlands so her standards were a lot more exacting than mine.

BasilFaulty · 02/12/2018 20:33

My DH can not see housework that needs to be done

Yes he can. Hmm

BlankTimes · 02/12/2018 20:50

Sorry, not read the whole thread Blush

These may help him, or anyone else who struggles - clips to hold the top corners of the cover in place .

www.dunelm.com/product/quilt-clips-1000017856

Shriek · 02/12/2018 21:45

Oh you are rude howabout telling everyone their chilli's are not up to much!

tildaMa · 02/12/2018 23:01

made the mistake of trying this once. Let's just say it's best avoided if you have a puppy in the house ...

Or a kitten, or a toddler... they all just want to help!
You forgot to close the door :)

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 03/12/2018 10:58

The cooking from scratch discussion goes back to the point about how there's cooking and cooking. A person could be a crap cook but still be capable of the sort of meals that basically require heating and assembling. So jacket spuds, fresh pasta, beans on toast, a fry up, a piece of fish baked in the oven and some of those steamed veggies where they're pre-prepped and you just put them in the microwave. That type of thing.

One doesn't necessarily have to know how to make things requiring much skill or lots of ingredients. But I think any adult who can't manage even some of the basic meals I listed would be well advised to learn if there's no underlying reason they can't manage it. Because takeaways are expensive.

Knittink · 03/12/2018 12:10

I love authentic home cooked food but unless you have Mexican heritage your Chile is likely not up to much.

a) cooking skills are learnt, not genetic
b) people probably tend to cook their chilli how they like it. If they wanted to make a truly authentic version, I'm sure there are recipes to be found which don't require you to prove your Mecican heritage to access them.

Oh and c) What does 'authentic home cooked food' mean? Authentic to what? Surely any home-cooked food is authentic home-cooked food.

howabout · 03/12/2018 15:45

I wonder if the Op's DH enjoys her version of chili. Suspect he prefers the Chinese. Grin

Just because lots of DW's like to virtue signal by healthy eating and cooking everything from scratch it doesn't actually mean they are actually turning out anything barely palatable.

My other GM was a degree educated career woman in the 30s. She would have been appalled at the notion of cooking as an essential life skill. Sausages beans and chips were her go to recipe. DH's equally degenerate GM kept him fed on smoked salmon and party nibbles.

Knittink · 03/12/2018 16:09

What a lot of rot. I cook from scratch because it tastes good and because I prefer to eat real food rather than grim, processed crap. So does dh. It's not virtue signalling, it's normal human living. Dh and I both have degrees, post-graduate qualifications and jobs. Oddly enough, that does not prevent us from being decent cooks. We don't eat out much, because restaurants which exceed the quality of good home-cooked food are expensive.

Eating healthily is not virtue signalling. Admittedly, banging on about it on social media and posting pictures of your #lentil buddha bowls on Instagram definitely is virtue signalling though. Grin

howabout · 03/12/2018 16:26

At least we agree on something Knittink Grin

Shriek · 03/12/2018 16:28

howabout what a lot of rot, yes.

What are you trying to say? Ppl that cook from scratch are virtue signalling but actually only making crap.

What is up with you?

It is very possible that ppl cooking from scratch are doing an excellent job, and OPs DH does like op's chilli.

You are simply berating everything,and I can't see why.

Turquoise123 · 03/12/2018 17:24

How can you struggle with a duvet cover ? My children have changed their covers since the age of 7 .

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 03/12/2018 17:33

You’re right! I would be miffed.

However - if he’s your husband presumable you’ve known each other a little while. Plenty of time o teach him to cook and put a duvet on. Enabling is just as bad a laziness. Buy him a slow cooker and a slow cooker cook book for Christmas

stegosauruslady · 03/12/2018 17:35

I was thinking about this thread today! DP and I were having a mega housework day and going to the laundrette as our washing machine was broken.

His interpretation of this was to wander the house moaning about it being messy while I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned up a poo when the (ill!) cat pooped somewhere silly, did the bins, mopped all of the floors, cleaned the kitchen, made veggie soup for lunch and chicken casserole for dinner.

The moaning was driving me crazy, so I suggested that he go to the laundrette by himself. I then had to gather and pack all of the washing, tell him where the laundry liquid is and tell him how to use the sodding stuff.

I should add that I'm 34 weeks pregnant and had been up since 6.30am getting the older three children up and out to school!

Wholovesorangesoda · 03/12/2018 17:36

My DF is also fairly useless, but is getting better now I refuse to do everything. His attitude is the worst thing, he still seems to believe he is above certain things, like sorting out the shopping list, but I blame some of that on him being brought up by grandparents who were very much of that era. It's taking while but we are definitely making progress!
He lived just himself and his elderly grandad whenI met him and always had clean clothes etc so I assumed he must have been fairly self sufficient. I was sadly very wrong,as his family did most of the housework. You live and learn Wink

user1468942365 · 03/12/2018 17:43

I must admit double duvets are my nemesis! We tend to do what we do. We split the cooking, I do the dishwasher (particular about how it's stacked!), DH does glasses, mugs etc in sink. He does bins, anything outside and in the loft. I do light bulbs. He does the shopping. I do laundry. He wouldn't get angry with me for not fitting a duvet cover. We do what works.

Jeepy · 03/12/2018 17:45

I think it should be compulsory for all men to have a period of living alone. My exH had never ever learned to cook, when we split up, I had to leave him a stack of 7 ready meals each week till he worked it out...

Ated · 03/12/2018 17:51

He appears to be the type of man that makes an idiot look like Einstein.

Leapfrog44 · 03/12/2018 17:58

I have always assumed this was a deliberate conspiracy. Some men seem to do certain things so badly so you'll stop asking them . Either that or they are mollycoddled by parents and never learn to do the things girls are expected to learn.

I'd be pissed off. He can follow an online recipe surely?

RB68 · 03/12/2018 18:01

Lots of smaller cooking businesses will do lessons - come to you and in your kitchen teach basic meals - save you loosing your rag with him and sort christmas pressie at the same time... make it something you can't or don't know how to do like errr chinese and its a double bonus!!

cricketmum84 · 03/12/2018 18:05

Ok I'm gonna don my hard hat and duck here but I'm not seeing a huge problem??

I can't make chilli so DH always cooks it
He can't make curry so I always cook it
He can't put a duvet cover on so I always do it
I can't hoover (back issue) so he does it
He can't iron so I do it
I can't lift the kitchen bin to empty it so he does it
I hate sick so he deals with kids vomit
He hates poo so I clean up any poo accidents.

It's called teamwork. We all have things we struggle with, even the most perfect among us. And that's why some of us have these people we live with who don't struggle with those things. And we, in return, do the things they struggle with. Isn't that what a marriage is about?

mylaptopismylapdog · 03/12/2018 18:06

What sort of food does he like? I’d be tempted to find a cookery course for his Christmas stocking. I get the duvet cover thing I can’t do it myself. As you seem to feel tired can you manage it book yourself a treatment you’ll enjoy before Christmas you deserve it if you are working such long hours.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 03/12/2018 18:13

Presumably he's good at lots of other things? Show him the duvet trick. At least you have clean sheets and a nice take away :-)

ClaireScot · 03/12/2018 18:23

Exactly.

Original poster
tryingtosortmylifeout · 03/12/2018 18:29

I just came back to this thread to find that I’ve had 200 responses - I wasn’t expecting that! I’ll have a read through later, ignoring all posts that say I was a fool to marry him and that I should LTB immediately (obviously!)

OP posts:
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