To not date someone because they smoke?

[aleohf]

Really like a guy, everything about him is perfect. Known him years.

He has absolutely no intentions to stop smoking and smokes about 20 a day.

AIBU for this to ruin everything?

I don't smoke and it's really not in the same league as domestic violence, misogyny or racism Knittink.

Of course it isn't. The point I was making was that saying "I don't mind about smoking if my oh has other fine qualities and isn't violent, misogynist or a rapist" is pretty silly, as it's not exactly difficult to find potential non-smoking partners who also aren't violent etc.

Saying it's ridiculous to veto a smoker but fine to veto someone who likes beetroot is pretty stupid though. One of those things may shorten their life and have an impact on yours. The other... not so much.

I think that it’s perfectly possible to exclude both violent, racist misogynists and smokers from your dating pool. It’s just that you can generally immediately exclude the smokers as it’s so obvious; the violent, racist misogynists often don’t show their true colours straight away.

YANBU..i doubt id date any lady that smoked unless she had other qualities which caused her smoking to pale into insignificance.

YANBU

Tbh, everyone is going to have a list of behaviours they really don’t want in a partner (however nice they are).

In my case, I’m not interested in smokers. Or religious people (I don’t want religion in my life at all, even vicariously via a partner). And I’d really be put off by vegetarianism (even more do veganism) or some kind of fussy eating (because these might affect my eating decisions when I’m with them and I don’t want that in a partner).

That doesn’t mean that I think smokers or religious people or vegetarians are terrible people. Just that they’re not for me. I can confidently say that I am definitely not the right person for them either.

There are plenty of things about me that would make lots of people not want to date me, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean that I need to be different; just that I shouldn’t try to date people who don’t want a partner who does those things because that’ll never work out.

And we should definitely all be avoiding violent, racist misogynists. That’s a general principle that should go without saying.

Yanbu.
I wouldn't date a smoker. Or a vegetarian or someone long term unemployed or someone with strong religious beliefs.
You can date who you want so pick someone whose lifestyle is compatible with yours.

YANBU. I find smoking repellent so I absolutely wouldn’t. I didn’t use to mind it so much, I grew up in a family where all the adults smoked so,I didn’t really notice it but the older I get the more I dislike it.

20 a day is 70 a week
£ 280 a month !!!

I met my husband when we both smoked. I eventually gave up but was concerned for his health. My worst nightmare was that he would get a horrible disease from it and I’d lose him. For many years he also said that he didn’t want to give up but then when I was pregnant, and I told him about increased risks of SIDS when a smoker lives in the house he quit the same week. I’m so glad he did now, I’d otherwise be worried about exposing the baby to smoke, spending loads of money on cigs when we are down to one wage and normalising smoking to our child. I’m very unlikely to start another relationship again, but if I did it would not be with a smoker.

Kissing a smoker is pretty rank. So its not unreasonable at all.

I wonder if they are asking the question "I really like someone, am I being unreasonable to not at least try to give up?" The fact you suggest they wouldn't even consider it suggests they aren't as into they idea of a relationship as you are.

It's got sod all to do with Mumsnet

To hate and despise smokers is everything to do with Mumsnet AGHHHH and it's also irrational.

There are countless threads about it which always contain the jibes that smokers are stupid and deserve nothing from our precious NHS.

'I don't date stupid people' was one from someone early on this thread. I imagine her with her hands on her hips and a smug look on her face.

On average in the UK just under 15 per cent of people smoke. Before I looked it up for another of these threads, I thought it was 20 per cent.

Now that's too many. I wish that people didn't smoke because it's not good for them and arguably not good for their families either even if they do take care to smoke outdoors, scrub themselves and their clothes and hold their breath while cuddling babies.

But if my husband smoked I would still have married him because he has other fine qualities. And I've have expected him to do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot. If he wasn't prepared to do that, that would have given me my answer that I was probably better off without him.

I'm not saying that you or anyone else isn't entitled to take a different view to me.

I attend a hospital as an outpatient every six months. There are always people in their dressing gowns sucking on fags round the door despite signs telling them not to. I don't know why the staff don't chase them away. Maybe it's because they have an addiction which is legal and in the scheme of things the level of pollution caused by their cigarette smoke is dwarfed by air pollution caused by the relentless traffic in the area. But no one ever talks about that.

Well, they do. I contributed to a thread last week with people saying they needed their cars. So that's okay. We can demonise smokers - I'm not one of them.

But people seek to justify their reliance on private cars - I'm not a driver either - even though traffic pollution causes asthma, eczema and the premature deaths of many people.

There are countless threads about it which always contain the jibes that smokers are stupid and deserve nothing from our precious NHS.

That’s really not the same as not wanting to date a smoker though.

For example, I am totally on board with violent, racist misogynists getting NHS treatment. That doesn’t mean I want to date them.

I used to smoke and don't find it unattractive as such. But I wouldn't date a smoker at this stage in my life, because I'd just be setting myself up to worry about the health of someone I cared about.

And that's even before you start thinking about kids.

I wouldn’t want to touch or kiss someone who smelled like that. So dating is a nonstarter.

That's doesn't make a bit of sense TwiceMagic

Smokers might also be violent, racist misogynists but generally they are not. I guess that some of them are peaceable black women.

If you don't want to date a smoker that is your prerogative but I find your analogy between smokers and people who indulge in severe antisocial behaviour strange.

I’m not making an analogy between them. I’m using the contrast you already set up earlier in the thread to illustrate that whether you think any particular group should be allowed NHS treatment has absolutely bugger all to do with whether you’d want to date someone within that group.

It was you who said that we should be avoiding the violent, racist misogynists (or anyone who can described as any of those) rather than smokers.

Obviously I realise that smokers usually aren’t violent or racist or misogynist. There’s nothing about smoking that necessarily relates to these characteristics.

Just to be clear. I do not hate smokers. I don’t think they should be denied healthcare or benefits or whatever else. But I’m not kissing one.

Ah the anti smoking brigade is out in full force again. I’m an ex smoker and my DH and father of my two children still smokes. He cut down massively but can’t seem to take that final step to quit just yet, it’s his stress relief, used much like those who have a glass of wine or two in an evening or what have you. He never smokes inside or anywhere near the babies. If we’re out and about he wouldn’t even consider smoking a cigarette until we’re back home and the twins are indoors and he’ll pop out for one if he fancies it. Yes the smell isn’t great and it does permeate regardless of any efforts made to try and reduce that - and he knows I won’t let him handle the children immediately after so now he will usually pop out for one or two once they’re down to sleep for the night.

He is not a monster, not a demon, not a drain on the NHS (which he pays into every month via his wage) he is a loving and caring man who has looked after his family despite all of the trials we have faced and kept a roof over our heads since extreme illness took me out of work.

Now that does not mean I think you should throw your own expectations out of the window - if you don’t want to date a smoker then don’t. But seriously a lot of MN posters can be so puritanical about smoking that it offers only a skewed perspective.

Obviously if you don't want to date a smoker, that's entirely your choice. I wouldn't date someone who was shorter than me (as I wouldn't fancy them) and I wouldn't date someone who didn't drive, as I've been there and got sick of chauffeuring them around. (I'm happily married so I hopefully won't be facing this dilemma, but hypothetically.)

But I wouldn't post a thread on Mumsnet about it, it does seem a bit goady to me.

No way would I date a smoker.

How does not wanting to date anyone who smokes imply “hate” for people who smoke?

My DH didn't like smoking I knew we would never end up together if I smoked so I quit, he was the best thing that ever happened to me for both reasons. Now I see people smoking and almost gag at the smell 😖

Why is it puritanical? What are the advantages of dating a smoker? It's seen as perfectly reasonable to choose who you date on the basis of things like their hair colour, physique or dress sense, which will have a lot less impact on your future life than smoking. Quite aside from all the other issues, it's bloody expensive too.

You say 'anti-smoking brigade' as though it's an unreasonable thing to be part of. I can't see any reason to be pro-smoking. Nobody on this thread has said smoking should be illegal. Nobody is saying that smokers aren't nice people. People are free to do it, but that doesn't mean the rest of us want to put up with it in our lives.

My DH didn't like smoking I knew we would never end up together if I smoked so I quit, he was the best thing that ever happened to me for both reasons

Far be it from me to come between you and your arrogant prick of a husband but I feel really sad for you.

When I was 21 in 1985 I was asked out by a bloke. Smoking was allowed everywhere. I didn't smoke but there was no option.

We went to see a film and sat in the non-smoking section - much as that worked.

As I've said: I didn't smoke and have never smoked. But in the meantime I had developed one of those colds that give you a really tickly cough.

After about 20 minutes I had to excuse myself because I kept coughing and coughing and I thought I was going to belch - not a good look on a first date.

I calmed it down and came back after about 10 minutes and spent the rest of the film in a bit of throaty itchiness.

At the end of the date he earnestly told me that he liked me and might continue to go out with me but didn't appreciate the fact that I had pretended to be a non-smoker and wanted me to give up if there was any future in our relationship.

I decided that there wasn't. Did I forget to say that I have never smoked in my life?

Militant anti-smokers are some of the worst people I have met in my life.

He actually thought I'd pretended to be a non-smoker in order to go out with him. What kind of arrogancy is that?