To not date someone because they smoke?

[aleohf]

Really like a guy, everything about him is perfect. Known him years.

He has absolutely no intentions to stop smoking and smokes about 20 a day.

AIBU for this to ruin everything?

I never would. Every smoker I have ever met smells awful, however hard they try to avoid it. I would find it really off-putting. And if it’s 20 a day I would be permanently worried that he would die young from lung cancer.

100% would not date a smoker ( or even worse vaped ) however much I liked them
I also wouldn't ask them to stop - not down to me what they do or don't do , too much nanny state as it is

Not a chance I'd date a smoker 🤢. Makes me heave!

I’m an ex smoker. Even when I smoked I wouldn’t date a smoker.

Is there a hypocrite emoji?

We're NC with the in laws but their house and furnishings smell so heavily of smoke that after a visit, we'd get home, strip off and shower immediately, putting the clothes we were wearing in the wash. If they came to ours, the furnishings would be febreezed as soon as the key was in their car ignition because their clothes always smelled of smoke due to always being in a smelly house.

Well I thought I’d never date a smoker but I did, as I fancied him to bits.

I was only 22 though and he was a very considerate smoker. He started when he was 18 and his mum wouldn’t have him smoking in the house so she made him smoke outside. So I very rarely saw him smoking on dates etc.
However when we had dc I it did start to upset me, and he did give up but he was about 38 by then! It caused a lot of arguments but I can’t say I’d change anything as I still love him to bits.

One of my former FWBs is a smoker. He doesn't smoke in my house, always goes out the back. Hes mid-50s and definitely has no ED issues... i was never bothered about the smoking - i have no sense of smell so couldn't smell it on him.

My current BF vapes. I don't have an issue with it at all.

My now DH was a social smoker when we met. I hated it and have always been an anti smoker. He only ever had one cigarette in front of me and never did again. He used to stick to smoking only on nights out with his friends but I still hated it. He stopped when the smoking ban came in - on a couple of occasions he has had one when out and I e gotten really mad at him. Mostly because he is now listed as a non smoker on his life insurance and I feel he is risking our family security when he smokes.

YANBU. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke or the stinky breath.

I wouldn't, the smell would turn my stomach.
I quit smoking 6 years ago when I was 25, met my now DH when I was 23. I don't know how he put up with the smell for 2 years.
Most of the people I see at work are smokers, I have hour long appointments with them and the smell is awful sometimes.

'And of course if it's someone you love dearly who is ill you still support & care for them, but it does make you bitter as hell.'

Yes. Tbh I'm still angry with my late FIL for his self-sabotaging health behaviours which led to his life ending much earlier than it needed to (ironically, they didn't include smoking - but MIL's smoking around him almost certainly contributed to the array of issues he had at the end, and yes, I am angry with her too). Now that in a partner, the anger would be multiplied, exponentially.

My DH was a smoker when we started dating. Not a vast amount per day and we never discussed it. One day he just stopped without fanfare, I didn't really notice for a few days.

It's been years and years now and he has not lapsed. But looking back at the inconvenience of it all, him nipping outside in restaurants etc it was a pain. Never really noticed the smell which is odd because I really smell it (must have been love!) it didn't linger on him nor did he smoke inside.

I am very sensitive to smoke these days probably because I don't have much contact with those that smoke. I hate the smell. Colleagues at work who go outside come back in leaving a disgusting smell in the lift and back in the office. Smoking seems a strange thing to do in this day and age.

I would never date another smoker now. Being a non smoker would be on my essentials list (along with no tattoos but that is a different debate). With smoking it's the antisocial aspect, the expense (recently found out how much a pack of 20 cost and was aghast, how do people afford it?), the health risks, the smell, and just the sheer folly of doing it.

It's a reasonable reason not to date someone. I was a smoker but hated myself for it iykwim. Ended up with a smoker though (we both smoked so immune to the smell et) however we both gave up when pregnant with DC1. Also my bro got oesophagus cancer from years of smoking (luckily is ok). Horrible habit. I've never understood how non smokers can be with smokers (now as a non smoker for 11yrs it makes me gag!)

I smoked when I met by now-husband. Not a lot, more socially than anything, but a few during the day.

He hated it. His beloved Gran died of a smoking-related disease. I was honest when I said I wanted to quit and he took me at my word, saying he'd never want to be with a smoker.

I was doing a degree course as a mature student and told him as soon as I graduated I would quit.

I graduated 5 years ago and haven't smoked once since! It gave me a solid reason - I couldn't do it for myself but I could for him.

Now we're happily married! I must say, after that first conversation about it where he said he hated it & I said I'd quit, he NEVER bought it up again. No snide comments, no making me feel bad about lighting up, entirely respectful. That made me respect him even more! If he'd been on my case I may have been stubborn about it....

But yeah. If the guy you're seeing as no intention of quitting and you hate it, you'll always hate it and it will become a point of resentment.

YANBU, as a smoker myself. It’s best to realise these incompatibilities early in a relationship.

I do know how bad smoking/smokers smell (contrary to what non-smokers think), many smokers do, as we have tried to quit or have quit for pregnancies - it doesn’t take long to become sensitive to the smell again.

I think it would be unwise to pressure him to quit, then expect him to stay off them. Many of us who quit for ourselves fall off the wagon months or a year later - by which time you may feel too attached to leave “just because” of smoking.

If he's no intention of stopping, then I wouldn't.

DH smoked when I first knew him, but he stopped shortly after we got together. I think he actually used our relationship as the catalyst he needed to stop.

I couldn't have stayed with him if he had continued smoking, I hate it.

Yanbu for not dating a smoker. It would b u though to date him and then expect him to quit because you don't like it.

No way. It's a massive deal breaker for me.

Not RTFT
I could NEVER date a smoker.
If I started dating him and then he revealed he was a smoker, I would break things up.

Going against the grain here but, nah, if that was his only/biggest flaw it really wouldn't bother me. I've dated both smokers and non smokers in the past. The smokes issue never bothered me.

Or maybe l've just set the bar really low, regarding the men I date.

YANBU I wouldn't date a smoker.

If you hate golf, am-dram or crocheting, say, and you fall in love with somebody who is passionate about it and spends 2 or 3 hours doing it each week (but is sensitive and considerate enough not to talk about it ad infinitum to you when they know you don't share the interest), there's every reason that could well work as the only impact on you is having a small amount of related equipment in the corner of a room and a few hours apart each week.

Smoking isn't like that - although somebody may not be actively smoking permanently (however, if you're on 40 a day, that equates to more than one every waking half-hour), there's no such thing as a part-time smoker. The smell gets permanently into everything and you smell it all the time you're near them (and when you kiss them).

There's the immense financial cost, as PPs have mentioned - if you end up getting together, that's a great deal of money not going constructively towards household/child costs.

Then, probably the biggest consideration of all: there are always exceptions, but smokers commonly die many years earlier than non-smokers - not to mention suffering worse health in the preceding years. Do you want to invest in a potential 'forever' relationship which will likely lead to you being widowed and your children without a parent far sooner than would otherwise have been the case - for an entirely anticipable reason?

No, not a chance. Not only would I find the smell revolting, I'd have no respect for someone who thought it was ok to smoke anyway. Do they have no self-respect?

(Puts fingers in ears and sings tra-la-la loudly - not interested in anyone who wants to defend smokers).

I think maybe I'd feel differently as an older single mum, not wanting more children or to move in or combine finances. There are different considerations.

Smoking isn't good for anyone and it's completely your choice OP! Personally I wouldn't go near anyone that drinks excessive alcohol as that's much worse in my eyes than nicotine. The odd tipple every few months or so with a meal is fine but a bottle of wine each night is something I'll steer clear of. I'm on an e-cig at the min trying to cut down on that but I remember hating the smell of cigs when I was younger as my coat would always reek of it at school because of my DM smoking next to the coat rack. So humiliating