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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s rude to tell someone going into a bathroom you’re about to have a shower

188 replies

catlovingdoctor · 30/11/2018 16:34

Got home after work and went to use the bathroom. Relative says from downstairs “I’m gonna have a shower now”. AIBU to think it’s a bit impolite/ almost trying to be controlling?

OP posts:
Bonez · 30/11/2018 19:40

What a bizarre reason to start a thread Confused what is your problem? You say yourself they said it casually and yet you think they're entitled? As others have said, they were probably letting you know in case you decided to have a bath/shower yourself so that you wouldn't take too long. Having a shower before half 4 in the afternoon for an evening out is way too early to start getting ready.

SoyDora · 30/11/2018 19:48

Ok... so what’s the real issue here?
Yes it’s mildly annoying that he/she said it as you were going to the bathroom when they could have showered earlier. But that’s all... mild annoyances are generally part and parcel of sharing a house with other adults.
I assume you don’t get on with the step parent and have other issues?

BeenThereDone · 30/11/2018 20:21

Having an off day? You don't ike this person?
This is such a non issue, maybe they thought you were jumping into the shower ahead of them and they were letting you know. In our house if all three need to have showers one after the other they had better be short ones cos there is never enough hot water for 2/3 long showers

catlovingdoctor · 30/11/2018 23:31

I’ve always used toilet cleaner and opened a window when I go for a number two, so I don’t think it was a way of him saying to not leave a smell.
I don’t think he has the right to tell me to “not be long”, in any way shape or form, in the bathroom in a house I’ve lived in for 20 years before he turned up.

OP posts:
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 01/12/2018 07:32

Maybe ‘they’ were saying I’m about to go for a shower in case you were going for a bath/shower/something more than a toilet break.

Whether you like it or not it’s ‘their’ house to. So just as you would say to ‘them’ if ‘they’ planned to use the bathroom just as you planned to.

Total non issue. Clearly you just don’t like having to share....

SoyDora · 01/12/2018 08:01

He lives there too now. It’s his home. Do you think he constantly has to come bottom of the pile in his own home just because he’s lived there for the least time?
Look, it’s obvious you don’t like him and resent him being there. There may be reasons for that but you seem to be unwilling to answer any questions. On the face of it this is a non issue; a minor annoyance.

Anasnake · 01/12/2018 08:05

Grow up, you sound ridiculous

Bouchie · 01/12/2018 08:09

Has he only just moved in? Is he a test in general? In all honesty it might be time for you to go and live alone. I would have hated living with my parents by the age of 20.

JeffJarrett · 01/12/2018 08:14

I agree, they had all day to shower and should have gone earlier or be happy to wait.

Ok the other hand, when I lived at home my mum would always have a big smelly shit every time I would run a bath (she'd just lock herself in whilst it was running!).Envy

And it wasn't me having a bath when her bowels were due, different times of day. It was almost like a trigger for her. (Moved out ASAP!!)

GaryBaldbiscuit · 01/12/2018 08:19

i always tell my dh not to go for a number 2 if i need a wee, but then we get on
you dont get on with step parent by the sound of things.
they want a shower because they are going out, fair enough.
it happens.

Bunnybigears · 01/12/2018 08:20

I dont get the problem. If someone said this to me I would either say 'ok i will only ne a few minutes' if thats was the case or 'ok let me know when you are out' if I was wanting a soak in the bath etc. I assume you just dont like this person.

pinkhorse · 01/12/2018 08:25

You keep mentioning that you've been there 20 years before he turned up. It sounds like you don't want this person here at all,it has nothing to do with the bathroom issue. He/she lives there now so you all need to learn to get along. It's irrelevant how long anyone has lived there, at this current point in time the house is home to all of you so you all have as much right as each other.
This person may carry on living there for the next 20/30 years so may end up living there longer than you.

MissEliza · 01/12/2018 08:30

Yes he was saying don't be long, which is understandable if he's preparing to go out. You keep saying you've been there longer but it's also his home now. You do sound like you resent him being there. Is he good to your dm and makes her happy? If so, why do you have this attitude?

Feb2018mumma · 01/12/2018 08:32

I think it is probably unreasonable to call it your house? It's not who was there first? I would assume it's your mum's house and she chose to invite her husband to live with her! Be happy for her and say to stepdad, 'let me know when you're done becuase I'm next!'. I have a step mum and step dad so it's not that I don't know what it's like to have step parents I just don't get the need to say you were there first like it's a competition?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/12/2018 08:36

So what other reasons do you have for disliking your sf?

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/12/2018 08:37

In our house, we warn people we're going to have a shower/bath in case anyone needs the loo. Especially as we have 2 DC who only seem to feel the urge to go at the last minute.

Sarahandduck18 · 01/12/2018 08:37

You don’t like each other.

Maybe do a general thread about your relationship on the relationship board.

I think the consensus you will get though is move out.

You are 25+ so really no reason why you can’t.

It may have been your childhood home but now is the time to think about your own adult home.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2018 08:40

This sounds like a complete non issue to me.

PrincessDando · 01/12/2018 08:45

I like your style Tawdry that's exactly what I'd do too, no need to pander to the manipulators and controllers!

ShrinkWrap · 01/12/2018 08:48

Has anyone called poo troll yet?

Innocentconglomeration · 01/12/2018 08:54

Maybe they thought you were going for a shower so don’t use all the hot water they want one too?

Whatever though, This is such a non event I don’t get it at all.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 01/12/2018 08:55

In my family we say that as please don't be long, part of me always reacts as a I'll be as long as I like but the logical part of me knows this is silly and we only have one bathroom so you need to consider others in the house.

I don't know how I'd feel should my mum get a new partner and move them in. I'm in my early 20's and live at home when on holiday from uni. My dad died when I was a preteen and I know I'd not like someone else living there in his place with my mum in my house. The only home I've ever know. Yes it would be my mums decision and I don't want to deprive her that happiness but I'd feel annoyed and displaced a lot of the time, because the family dynamic would change and I only know the dynamic we have now.

In the past as a teenager she refrained from all relationships because I told her if she started dating anyone or brought them back to the house at all I'd move out and in with one of my sisters or I'd make her life so difficult she would throw me out, or I'd go into school and refuse to go home forcing them to call SS. That if I had kids she'd only ever see them away from them and the house and not be allowed to mention him to them as he wouldn't be family and that she'd never have a picture of them as he has no right to see them ever.

As an adult I realise what a hideous and vile thing to do, say threaten and person I was back then (I'd of been 12-15 and it was around that time I'd had a mental breakdown but that is no excuse) but my mum doesn't hold it against me because I was scared and hurting and the very mention of her dating was enough for me to have a panic attack. She understands somewhat though as even in her 60's she says she has no idea how she'd feel if her father ever remarried after her mothers death. So it's difficult whatever your age.

As an adult I can see anyone would be lucky to have her and no one will ever be good enough for her, and while I'd not like it. I would be supportive to any relationship she chooses to have, but that won't make it easy.

You have every right to feel the way you do and 'stake your claim' because you were there first. But you need to deal with this honestly and calmly, talk to your mum 1-1 and try getting to know your stepdad. If there are things you feel strongly about like family traditions, teach him about them so he fits into what you have instead of feeling like he's an interloper consider him as a family member in training and introduce him to the way you guys do things, with an open mind because somethings in your family will change too. That just the way it is and it sucks, but your mum is happy and that's what matters. You both love her so you already have common ground.

justfloatingpast · 01/12/2018 09:07

Good post.

Blueblueyellow · 01/12/2018 09:09

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound Lovely post and fantastic advice

CherryPavlova · 01/12/2018 09:13

I think it’s something over nothing. If that’s the biggest ‘control’ there’s not much to worry about.

If we’re both needing to work away for the day, my husband will run the dog and then invariably ask me who’s going first in the bathroom. It’s odd because there are other bathrooms but he has his favourite and sulks momentarily if I’ve taken it over. It’s not something to hold a grudge about.