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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/12/2018 06:59

Bonkers. Glad BIL and aunt aren’t buying into it. I agree with warning nursery. I’d also consider giving your dad a letter with written permission (and excluding MIL) just in case she causes a fuss in public.

Groovee · 02/12/2018 07:07

Jeez, I didn't think it could get worse. I did wonder when you said she called at 7.30 to say she wanted to see your Dd, if she had been drinking. It's the way she just thinks she can have Dd and tries to take her away because she wants her. No pre made plans just expects.

I would let nursery know. I also wonder if BIL is feeling the strain of having a drink mother.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/12/2018 07:24

Sounds a lot like my MIL (although she wasn’t that bad).

After grandchildren her eccentric behaviour took a turn for the worse. I think it raised a lot of issues of adequacy, bringing back memories of her own parenting and her guilt around that, and she is already an obsessive type re friends and family. The levels of crazy went through the roof.

The crucial thing is to protect your children and support your husband, while maintaining a calmness that may allow reconciliation when she gets better (help with mental health or her behaviour improves).

S0upertrooper · 02/12/2018 07:27

This is very sad OP, GPs should be supportive and loving not possessive and jealous. No doubt this woman has psychological issues and you need to protect yourselves from her.

Thank goodness for your DD and sounds like you and your DH are a tight team. My MIL became obsessed with our DS, not to this extent, and is a very insecure and jealous woman. She also resented the time her friends spent with their DGC. I can empathise with what you are going through and you don't deserve this.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 07:33

Please don't be complacent about the nursery.

She might concoct some 'emergency' and insist on taking DD as neither you nor DH were available. Maybe some car accident/heart attack involving your dad, which would put him out of the picture too. She might hint at some sort of court order.

I agree you need to give them a photo of MIL so they will know her, and all the staff need to be prepared to refuse to hand DD over to her no matter what she says to them, and no matter what threats she may make.

Marble2017 · 02/12/2018 07:45

I don't think she is unwell !! I think she's just a very very jealous.

wondering1101 · 02/12/2018 07:54

Is she menopausal? Not really an excuse for such behaviour but it can mess some women up

Ha ha I am 49 and peri menopausal - it makes you hot and tired, not bonkers.

I can’t understand the level of “obsession” some grandparents have - my dc are pre teens and teenagers so a long way off having their own, but I can’t imagine so desperately wanting them to have children or when they do, particularly wanting to be with those children on my own. Parenting is and has been a hard slog, and no way will I be up for anything other than an easy time when my dc have grown up and possibly have their own .

I do wonder how I would feel if any of the gc look a lot like my dc - it must bring back a lot of memories. Basically I think it is about nurturing your own life, and striving for a good relationship with your own dc and with family in general. Good relationships with gc would follow on from that?

My mum had a friend who was with her gc on her own a lot for days at a time, so when my ds was born she expected the same and was a bit annoyed. This felt uncomfortable and she was a little jealous I could tell by some of what she said and her attitude at times. Why though? Why would you be jealous of your own children?

billybagpuss · 02/12/2018 08:22

I’m menopausal I sure as hell wouldn’t behave like that!!!

All the best OP I hope you are able to have a lovely day today.

JorahsMistress · 02/12/2018 08:34

Hope you have a more peaceful day op

It's great that dh has told her whats what, so many dh's don't, if she's upset about not seeing your dc, then tough, she's brought this on herself

Going NC is definitely right in this case, not a great influence to have around your dc x

BackforGood · 02/12/2018 08:48

I hope you have a more peaceful day.
It is good that dh's brother and Aunty are all seeing that her behaviour is completely beyond any bounds of rationality and still communicating with you and dh. Also that dh was the one who stated she was not to contact you all again, and it didn't have to come from you.
I hope your MiL's sister, other son, and anyone else close to her are able to persuade her to seek some help.

Bluehues · 02/12/2018 08:53

Don’t shoot! No offence meant by my comment about the menopause but I watched a documentary on it recently which looked how it can affect state of mind for some women and if that is the case, I’m sure it’s not helpful for other women to boast about how they were going through it. I was fine and sane in pregnancy but others weren’t for example, everyone is different.

wondering1101 · 02/12/2018 09:03

I wasn’t boasting.

This MIL clearly has a (big) personality defect, rather than being a “crazy” woman affected by her hormones.

Roaring · 02/12/2018 09:07

Your mil sounds very unwell. Good to hear your DH is taking a firm stance.
Is BIL hinting that she's an alcoholic? Please do let nursery know and make sure your dad is aware. She may start following you/him.
This behaviour must be scary for your daughter. Has she reacted in any way?

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 02/12/2018 10:30

My MIL got the hump last night because I took DS from her as he was crying.
There’s also massive rivalry on her part with the other GPs, everything has to be equal.
Does your MIL only have sons?
I think that’s the issue with us. She only has sons so will never be the first port of call as my mum and my SILs’ mums would be

FannyFifer · 02/12/2018 10:59

Agree with everyone else, this is utter madness & I would absolutely make sure she is never alone with dd again.

roseb · 02/12/2018 11:10

sounds like my mil. she tried to take ds away from us when he was 3 days old! She had hired a nanny (she worked 12 hours a day) and had bought a cot and everything without telling us. Her reasoning was that as first time parents we had no experience, therefore would be incompetent but as a grandmother she already new it all. DH had to throw her out to protect me and ds as she started hitting me!
stick to your guns and make sure to contact the nursery. you may also want to let the neighbours know if you are close in case mil starts something in the street or the neighbourhood.

Original poster

Greensweets · 02/12/2018 11:17

Mil rarely drinks to my knowledge and I have never been to see her or had her arrive here and I thought she had been drinking. She once had a big Barney with her dp (It was actually his fault on this occasion) and she sat and had a couple glasses of wine while I had gone down to console her that was back in the good old days though when she acted normally and before the jealousy crept in so it's possible she was upset and decided to have a drink but I didn't actually see her yesterday so I can't comment dh never mentioned mil being drunk or smelling of alcohol.

We had a nice time with bil he has done back to mils now I think he thought about making excuses but dh told him before he even started he didn't want to hear anything about mil and that bil doesn't know or see the half of it bil was fine with this he just enjoyed his time with dd and we all had a good chat while he told us what he and his wife had been up to all he did say is has insisted mil goes to him for Christmas so it gets her out of our hair and we can enjoy Christmas rather then being nervous.

Dh seems in better spirits having seen his db he said he wants to go to a soft Play centre still but one that's out of town.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 02/12/2018 11:29

Your BiL sounds lovely

twoshedsjackson · 02/12/2018 11:36

Well done, DBiL; it sounds as if her side of the family have got it sussed, and the lack of flying monkeys will help to resolve this unhappy situation sooner, if that is possible.
Your own DF sounds like a star as well; how telling that she doesn't even know where he lives (blessing in disguise, though)
I agree with PP's that this is beyond normal jealousy, and she needs help, but that is not a justification for putting you child in dangers.
My own DM lost the plot somewhat in the last few years of her life, but this is off the scale, and you must be feeling deeply unsettled.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2018 13:12

Just out of curiosity, is there a reason backstory that BiL's wife didn't come with him to visit MiL?

Ngaio2 · 02/12/2018 13:13

Have a great and peaceful Christmas OP, creating your own family traditions with you DD. Just think of it, no tension!

Sasstal67 · 02/12/2018 13:25

I'm glad to hear your dh is standing up to your mil. There are far too many controlling, obsessively jealous older women ruining families these days. I've seen my own son trying to deal with such a mil. She got so possessive, we were completely cut out of our son's life for several years until the end of the relationship, because she insisted on being the only mother/grandmother in their lives. The Apple didn't fall far from the tree so I was relieved when they split up and our son came back into our lives. The grandson (who she was caught telling to call her mummy, yep she's that weird) turned out to be the result of one of several affairs her daughter had, so my son has no rights to see him either, after raising him for three and a half years. Cherish a partner who isn't tied to the apron strings of a jealous mother.

CrabbityRabbit · 02/12/2018 13:40

Sounds like the rest of the family are normal and helpfup which is a relief. Do you not have any contact with FIL? I can see her being very jealous over this as well if they are divorced.

roseb How awful! Poor nanny who presumably was fired when she wasn't needed. Did you go NC after that? I think I would have done.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2018 13:40

I don't think she is unwell !! I think she's just a very very jealous.

^^This

I doubt she has dementia. I doubt she has mental health problems. It's definitely not menopause.

Not everyone who is badly behaved has 'issues'
Sometimes they're just badly behaved.

Does DH still have his dad?

Mummyh2016 · 02/12/2018 14:40

What the hell has possessed her to act like this!!
Just echoing everyone else really, please tell nursery what has happened and reiterate she is not allowed to take DD.
Also I’m so pleased you and your DH are on the same team, there are so many threads like this where the DH won’t stand up to his DM, I feared this would be the same at first.

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