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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 30/11/2018 23:42

You need to take your DHs lead. If he doesn’t want to go, don’t go. Can’t DBIL come to your house to see DD?

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 30/11/2018 23:54

If your MIL is so keen on the pics she could have just been an adult and asked if she could order the other two from the nursery too. Instead she threw a tantrum and tried to steal yours. Batshit, she is.

robindeer · 01/12/2018 00:02

You're not punishing your BIL by not going to the dinner on Sunday. If he's that bothered I'm sure he'll make plans to see you. I wouldn't even contemplate sending your DD along, why on earth would you?!

Your MIL has behaved appallingly and I would genuinely never leave your child unsupervised around her. Don't encourage her behaviour in any way, let her realise her mistake in her own time and for goodness sake don't chase her or contact her at all.

Let your DH decide when he would like to attempt rebuilding his relationship with his mother. This is not for you to take on.

Original poster
Greensweets · 01/12/2018 00:23

Bil is more then welcome to come here and visit dd the only reason I think he won't is because mil gets quite upset if he makes other plans to do things seperate from her when he visits as his visits are usually so short to be fair though if he wants to see us and dd so desperately then he will have to stand up to mil and take an hour or 2 out of his time and come to us. I certainly won't be going against dh in anyway or trying to force him into something he doesn't want. He phone has rang pretty much all night he hasn't said mil is calling but I can tell by the way he keeps looking at his phone and ignoring the calls that it's her he is on call until 2am so after this the phone will be off so she won't be able to pester us all night long he does need to keep his phone on until then though.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 00:32

Even if her behaviour has an underlying reason, it's still not acceptable, and not safe for a toddler to be exposed to.

This is really true, and it's why we don't have contact with my seriously mentally ill brother; he used to shout at my DDs and I saw my DD1 (then 6) shying away from him, so it made the decision a simple one in the end.

The reason why your MIL is behaving the way she is doesn't actually change the fact that you need to protect your DD from being around her.

ZenNudist · 01/12/2018 00:35

First signs if dementia? Brain tumour? Not normal.

Vampiratequeen · 01/12/2018 00:36

It sounds to me like she was desperate for a DD and she sees your DD as the little girl that has been missing from her life and resents that she is yours not hers.
You need to get through to her that you are happy for her to see DD and ha e a bond with her, but she is yours and your DH DD, not your MIL and as wonderful as it is that she wants to be an active part of her life, loves her and wants to make memories with her, that you want to make memories with her too. If she doesn't respect your boundaries and the fact she is your DD then you will go NC in future. I would also add that you don't want that to happen and it is a worst case scenario but it will happen if she doesn't stop behaving the way she is. It should come from your DH and he should make a point of saying that the way he is feeling right now he would go NC from now, but you have both decided to give her another chance because it is important to her and your DD to keep that bond.

moredoll · 01/12/2018 00:55

Your DH knows her best so it's wise to follow his lead. She needs time to calm down and if she doesn't I'd think she is unwell..Maybe if you could see your DBIL before he sees her you could explain the situation. Perhaps he could make her see sense.

fibonaccisequins · 01/12/2018 07:38

Don't give her the photo
Certainly don't give her dd alone
This isn't normal behaviour

Bunnymumma · 01/12/2018 07:42

I absolutely agree with everyone here. Do not give in and stick to low contact until she has apologised AND explained her behaviour.

This sounds very extreme and worrying but thank goodness your DH was there to see it all and is fully backing you up.

Marley45 · 01/12/2018 07:43

Christ she’s nuts.
I’d be going v v low contact and she could swivel for any more gifts!

MetalMidget · 01/12/2018 07:46

She sounds very unhinged, you definitely shouldn't leave you daughter alone with her. She's extremely volatile, and I'd bet good money that she'd try to manipulate your daughter by being poisonous against you and your dad.

HoppingPavlova · 01/12/2018 07:52

Dh has arrived home from work apprently she's been on the phone most of the day in tears saying she's sure I will stop her seeing dd and that she wants to do her "nanny duties"

She’s batshit crazy.

Tell her she is absolutely correct. Given her behaviour it is not appropriate she has contact with your DD and especially unsupervised contact. I would not risk a person who exhibits such behaviour being around my child unsupervised. If the behaviour continued then they wouldn’t be around my child at all supervised or not. It’s really not normal behaviour.

Justletmego · 01/12/2018 07:56

Unbelievable behaviour, it needs promptly responding to so she can see the boundaries which she is clearly missing!

CaveMum · 01/12/2018 08:41

Your MIL has no “right” to see your DD and your DD has the right not to be forced to spend time with someone toxic. Everyone has a picture perfect idea of a happy family with doting grandparents, but facts are some people are not fit to be grandparents (or parents for that matter).

Forcing a relationship that is unbalanced will have long term consequences - do you want your daughter to grow up seeing her parents constantly kowtow to granny’s demands?

One of your jobs as parents is to teach her what good relationships look like, you don’t want her to grow up thinking that if anyone stamps their feet and sulks they should be given everything they want. You’ll either end up with her modelling your MILs behaviour or, worse still, conducting her own relationships with friends/partners in the same fashion.

Take the lead from your DH, no going out with MIL this weekend without a full apology. Make it clear to BIL that he is more than welcome to visit/meet up alone. If he can’t stand up to Mommy Dearest, that’s his own problem and he will actively be choosing to put her feelings first.

Fluffyears · 01/12/2018 10:57

Do not see her this weekend. Let her see the result of her behaviour. If you give in she’ll keep doing this shit. Do not contact her let your DH do that. Cancel this weekend and say unless you get an apology she will not see DF st Christmas either and this 121 pish? Not happening! You are the onenin charge and the sooner she realises this the better.

Fluffyears · 01/12/2018 10:57

Not see DD at Christmas.

timeisnotaline · 01/12/2018 11:05

Don’t contact her, follow your dhs lead. I can’t imagine letting either grandparents have alone time with my children if they kicked off like that.

coconutpie · 01/12/2018 11:06

Do not call her. Do not take her out this weekend or see her. Definitely do not give her the photos. Under no circumstances should you ever allow unsupervised contact with your DD and MIL. After that outburst, I'd have told her to fuck off. Based on everything else you've said, why even keep up contact at all? Just because she's a grandparent? Even your DH (her own son) has said he doesn't want to see her. She has no rights to be in your DD's life and sounds like she'd be better off not being around MIL at all.

helpingvsdoinghomework · 01/12/2018 11:06

Give her the contact details of the photographer and she can order her own

Suresurelah · 01/12/2018 11:51

I wouldn’t contact her. She should be contacting you to apologise.

ExFury · 01/12/2018 12:15

OP have a look at the comment you posted about your BIL.

When he visits he’s not allowed to do anything without MIL as she gets upset. She justifies this by using the fact his visits are short.

Your BIL might not get to visit the niece he’s desperate to see because your instinct is telling you he won’t go against his mum...

BIL won’t go against her. You are thinking of offering her support. Do you want your DD to feel as beholden to her as you all do?

Listen to your DH. It’ll not be easy for him to be standing up to his mother and he deserves your support.

Glosgran · 01/12/2018 12:40

As a grandmother, it sounds like very controlling behaviour to me and it sounds as if you have been very patient and gracious with your MIL up to now. Pleased to hear that your husband was there for you and that he took charge of the situation and didn't allow her to have your framed photos. I suggest a 'cooling off' period where you don't contact her until she realises how unacceptable her behaviour has been and apologises to you and your husband. I wouldn't want this woman looking after my child without being present. Are there any health or psychological issues that may be causing this behaviour? I suggest that your husband may need to be firm and set some boundaries for her, including her only visiting when he is around for the time being until she has regained your trust. I would never dream of doing anything like that with either my daughter & son in law or my son and daughter in law. I think you've been very restrained and gracious towards her.

TemptressofWaikiki · 01/12/2018 12:58

With all the further updates, it seems pretty obvious that MIL hasn’t some sort of sudden onset of worthening behaviour or dementia but is an extremely controlling, narcissistic person who shouts and bullies those around her to get her own way. You may have had a great relationship before but this was before you had your DD and you had not challenged her domineering behaviour. You are extremely lucky that your DH actually is taking a stand and putting you and his family first. We all to often hear the mantra “You have a DH problem” when the son frustratingly refuses to support his wife against an overbearing, controlling mother. Mil needs to learn a short and sharp lesson that you will not tolerate any more of that kind of behaviour. I would step back totally and not see her or facilitate contact with your DD until she acknowledges her bad behaviour and apologises. Let her demonstrate that she actually genuinely loves her DGD, enough to be respectful to her parents. She needs to learn that if she becomes abusive or oversteps boundaries, she will not see DD. She especially has to understand that she has no right to make any sort of demands but should be grateful that you involve her. Don’t humour or allow her to continue this kind of behaviour. It might be unpleasant but you really got to tackle and nip it in the bud once and all before she becomes even worse!

llangennith · 01/12/2018 13:19

MIL has crossed a line and I don't think you should make contact with her for a while. You don't need to see how she is, or try to make things work so that she can get her own way. You've done all that and it hasn't worked. It's just made her feel more entitled.

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