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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 30/11/2018 15:17

Come on this is clearly someone who is unwell in some way. Normal adults just don’t behave like this so there is clearly something more to this which OP may be unaware of, hence why her DH needs to take control here and if possible encourage the MIL to seek some professional help.

Talk of telling her this and that is clearly not going to have any impact here as she clearly doesn’t even realise how she is behaving.

MamaLovesMango · 30/11/2018 15:21

Normal adults just don’t behave like this

I agree, ‘normal’ adults don’t but I’ve lost count of how many people I know of and hear about, that behave like this and aren’t unwell. Sure, she could be unwell but I’d wager it’s the less likely scenario. Either way, OPs DH should be raising any concerns as to her health. In the meantime, she still needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable.

GhostSauce · 30/11/2018 15:21

I certainly would not be rewarding a fully grown woman's tantrum with alone time with DD. Especially not having seen her being angry and possessive over a child that is not her own.

Quite worrying behaviour really.

Oysterbabe · 30/11/2018 15:22

With that many photos surely it would have been cheaper to get them all digitally and print them yourself?

Eilaianne · 30/11/2018 15:29

She sounds unstable and if this is out of character, maybe your DH could have a calmer word with her to see if she's feeling ok in general?

until then, back away from the woman and certainly don't arrange 1-2-1 private "custody"-style time with your DD and her...

she's not your DD's parent here!

heck she's not even behaving normally or like an adult.

when she questions why she's seeing LESS of your DD you might want to gently remind her that your daughter is not a doll that gets passed around equally like toy.. she's a real person, and you're her mum, and she can fuck off if she thinks having a tantrum will get her anywhere, do NOT indulge her on this.

ListenToTheWords · 30/11/2018 15:30

I think it may be time for you to withdraw a little and reset some clear boundaries. She doesn't DEMAND anything. The epic tantrum would only make me want to see her less as her possessiveness is becoming a problem.

PerfectPeony · 30/11/2018 15:36

I agree she sounds deranged. She obviously wants your daughter to be her child. I would cut contact except for special occasions- children pick up on stuff like this and it sounds unhealthy.

Holstenlane · 30/11/2018 15:36

I would send a message saying "after seeing your behaviour over a photograph, I'm concerned that you're not quite well so we won't be leaving daughter with you unsupervised. If you'd like to chat more and explain why you behaved that way, then we'd be happy to listen as we'd like to get to the bottom of this so that contact can continue as normal".

NoraEphronsneck · 30/11/2018 15:37

Sounds like my ex-MIL. She wanted to take my DD to Disneyland Florida for a fortnight without us when she was 2. The air was blue when I said no!

Just keep saying no to any and all demands that you're not comfortable with and prepare for the fallout.

The more you stand your ground, the more she will learn that you cannot be bullied. She has had her time with her DC. This is your and DH's child and you will say what happens, when.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/11/2018 15:41

That is awful. She was out of control and not someone I would leave alone with my child. I have a grandchild, I have no right to 1:1 with them.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/11/2018 15:45

Wow how horrible and what an ungrateful rude reaction to the kind act you did of getting her a photo as a present.

Even if she did have a point, if you were spending much more time with your family for example, it's still inexcusable - you don't get what you want by shouting and throwing things. Please don't give in as it's just teaching her to throw a strop to get her own way

I would get your husband to explain that you're happy for a relationship with your daughter as long as she apologises for throwing your present back in your face, and acts like an adult and has calm discussions next time there is an issue and if she throws a tantrum again you will be keeping your daughter apart from her as she is at an age where she copies adults and you wouldn't put up with that behaviour from her

CantWaitToRetire · 30/11/2018 15:46

Wow, what a character! Your MIL needs to learn that this is not her child and she has absolutely no right to make any demands about access or 1-2-1 time. I'm glad your DH was there to take the frame off her when she tried to take it. What a nerve the woman has! Really OP your DH should be taking this up with his DM and making his own demand for a full apology.

You say your MIL is allowed to babysit your child. Does she have her alone? I'd seriously reconsider leaving her with your child if she demonstrates such extremes of behaviour.

Andro · 30/11/2018 15:47

Has she been put on any new medication? I ask because the only time my MiL went anything like you're describing, she'd been given steroids and reacted very badly.

With no logical explanation for her behaviour, keep your (and DD's) distance.

MrMakersFartyParty · 30/11/2018 15:47

Have you said she can't order the trio herself? I noticed that you said you like to have some photos that others don't have...

Ariesgirl1988 · 30/11/2018 15:49

Seriously demanding one on one with dd and you're not allowed to be present? who does this woman think she is? whatever you do don't cave in and allow this! As for the tantrum over the photo's she has basically shown her true colours the fact that she threw the photo you gave her and tried to take your photo's says it all stick to your guns and go low or no contact until she behaves herself I doubt she will apologise people like that will never apologise because they're never wrong everyone else is wrong! Also let your dh deal with her she's his mum his problem otherwise you will be played as the bad guy. This women needs some boundaries and if you put them down and stick to them she will soon learn to play ball.

Yvbmioasp · 30/11/2018 15:50

Dear God what a dreadful woman. Flowers for you OP. I have nothing useful to say.

midsomermurderess · 30/11/2018 15:53

I think your husband needs to have serious talk with her, explain that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable and try to get to the bottom of it. Failing that, I think you need seriously to think about how much you are prepared to have her in your life.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/11/2018 15:56

Leave her to stew OP ...let her get in touch with you ...wait to see what happens next but in the meantime no appeasing her and her ridiculous behaviour.If she wants to behave like that then let her somewhere else and well away from you and your family...,Teach her a bloody lesson on who is boss and it really isnt her.!

GreenHats · 30/11/2018 15:57

Yep deranged. But not the first grandmother to get confused about her role.

Absolutely set firm boundaries now and back off for a while and do that every time she acts possessive or she will make more and more demands acting like she's your dd' s parent. Your DH is going to need to have a word with her over those boundaries and that asking for you not to be around when she spends time with your dd is rude.*

*i actually do feel it's good for grandparents and grandchildren to have time together without parents to build a relationship but GM demanding that it wouldn't make me very uneasy

RomanyRoots · 30/11/2018 15:57

I would go no contact until you know what's going on. Even if she is ill it's not acceptable behaviour and your dd will soon be aware of it.
I think dh should find out what's going on, it does sound like the photo's were the straw that broke the camels back.
If she appears ill encourage her to see her gp.
Otherwise she's just going to have to live without her gd at all because she can't be trusted.

HeebieJeebies456 · 30/11/2018 15:58

she's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head

That's where you went wrong.....and you're still thinking of just giving her the trio just to shut her up - some people just never learn

ElideLochan · 30/11/2018 15:58

that is not right - i too would be nc unless she showed she was sorry and stopped acting like that

and definitely no no no to alone time until DD is old enough to tell you what MIL does

bringbackthestripes · 30/11/2018 15:59

What has your DH said to her about her appalling behaviour?
It was seriously not normal to behave like that over a photo. Most family members would be thrilled to receive ONE professional photo.
I wouldn’t be letting her anywhere near my DC unsupervised after behaving like that! Shocking.

Snowwontbelong · 30/11/2018 16:01

Leave her to her tantrums. If she doesn't apologise she will miss out seeing you all over Christmas if it was me.

UnknownStuntman · 30/11/2018 16:05

Three do's.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with her?
Do as you're fucking told.