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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:
Mummymumface · 02/12/2018 01:33

Wow - firstly, I’m so sorry OP, what an awful situation. I think you need to follow your DH’s lead here. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. I’m hoping that something as extreme as going NC or having the police called on her might give her the shock she needs to properly evaluate her behaviour. This is beyond acceptable. I would also be suggesting she seeks counselling - whether psychologist or counsellor - to explore where this behaviour is coming from, but that will only happen once she has accepted she is behaving badly. I’m so pleased that your DH and DSIL seem to be backing you up here. That is something to take away from this at least.
Best of luck OP - I really feel for you

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/12/2018 01:47

Blimey, the woman is clearly unhinged and needs some help!

VimFuego101 · 02/12/2018 01:54

Jesus, she sounds deranged. Glad you and your DH are presenting a united front on this. Do you think MIL's sister could persuade her to see a doctor?

Original poster
Greensweets · 02/12/2018 02:17

I dont know really I guess she might be able to convince her but her sister hasn't even said she is surprised by this Confused

OP posts:
Imustgetup12 · 02/12/2018 02:22

She's either very immature, bit short on brain cells or not right in the head! On no account leave your daughter alone with her.

WellThisIsShit · 02/12/2018 02:24

Good Lord she just couldn’t leave it alone could she?!

I’d find it hard to believe if I hadn’t seen the way my own mother went rabidly jealous after I had DS. She went really beyond the bounds of normal behaviour and either couldn’t rein in her own behaviour or just chose not to. Such enormous entitlement, and the nasty savaging anyone else got. Ugh. It was, well, unseemly, shocking and actually slightly unnerving.

There is something quite disturbing about a grown adult who simply won’t check their own behaviour. It didn’t feel loving or positive, it felt selfish and, greedy, almost gluttonous.

Keep supporting your dp. He must be feeling upset about it all.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 02:27

So now you know you are dealing with a woman who has completely lost the plot.

You must back up DH to the hilt from now on over this.
He has been incredibly fantastic.

If he says no contact from now on, then you have to get in step, with no trying to pour oil on troubled waters, no trying to support MIL.

BIL can come and see DD if he wants to, on his own. So can MIL's sister (DH's aunt) if she is willing to do so and not play the part of MIL's messenger/scout/advocate.

It may even come to a non-molestation order, by the sound of things.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 02:31

You need to contact DD's nursery.

Tell them under no circumstances is DD to be released to anyone but you, your DH and your dad (and his DP). Provide photos of your dad's DP if she is on the list.

If MIL has been on a list of authorised picker-uppers, she needs to be struck from it.

Tell them there is no way on earth that you would ever authorise MIL to pick up DD and they are not to allow this no matter what story she spins, should she show up and ask for DD.
Ask them to contact you and/or DH if she ever turns up there.

Original poster
Greensweets · 02/12/2018 02:39

Dh is very much at the angry stage I know that in time that will turn into sadness and I will be there for him when it does. I would never to against dh in anyway at all with regards to the wishes surrounding his mother. I've read some real horror stories regarding toxic in laws and I know she's had her flaws but I really didn't think I would ever be in this situation myself.

Luckily mil has never been on the list for nursery and they are very strict there with pick up procedures so much so the first time dh went to collect her without me he had a lot of trouble but I will definately be mentioning what has taken place to them.

Bil has texted dh he said mil had been drinking today I dont know i think he is making excuses. He is coming over in the morning on his own to see us.

OP posts:
DwayneDibbly · 02/12/2018 02:40

My God, that sounds nightmarish! She must've been quite unhinged if your DH felt the need to remove your DD from the situation. No advice at all but sympathies to you; I don't know what the fuck I'd do in the same situation.

Greensleeves · 02/12/2018 02:50

OP we went though something very similar when ours were little. I won't go into detail, but we ended up having to get the police involved. Stick to the non-contact - no exceptions, no explanations. Starve this situation of oxygen now, or it will escalate. And you MUST tell the nursery. Give them a picture of her to keep in the office, so that everyone knows she is not to take dd.

delboysskinandblister · 02/12/2018 02:56

Speaks volumes that her phone call was once again about her wants and needs and not immediately apologising to you.

I wouldn't contact her at all. Ever.

Would she have tolerated someone behaving like that around her son?

The4thSandersonSister · 02/12/2018 04:29

She's unhinged. Do not let any family members act like a Flying Monkeys trying to guilt you into resuming contact. She is a proven danger to your DD by her behaviour.

KonaMum · 02/12/2018 05:11

If she can’t control her emotions over a photograph, how can you reasonably trust her to be level-headed when in charge of an unpredictable, irrational two year old? There is no way she’d be doing childcare unsupervised if she was my MIL.

augustboymummy17 · 02/12/2018 05:18

Do not give her unsupervised contact! She sounds unstable xxx

ohfourfoxache · 02/12/2018 05:27

Please please tell the nursery. She may not be on the collection list but given today’s behaviour I wouldn’t put anything past her.

She sounds completely unhinged and tbh I think NC is genuinely the only way forward. I don’t say this lightly, but even for your dd to have had to witness today’s behaviour isn’t exactly great Sad

Sleephead1 · 02/12/2018 06:08

this sounds so scary I mean the photo thing was bad enough but to try and charge into your house and take her against your husbands will is horrific. I would not give any access and inform everyone i would be so scared she is going to try and take her. She sounds very unstable

Dhalandchips · 02/12/2018 06:10

Perversely makes me glad my mil was too drunk to notice she had GC and died not long after he arived! Good luck OP X

MidniteScribbler · 02/12/2018 06:10

For some reason I keep thinking of situations where grandparents have gone to court for access. From memory, the ones that have been successful are those that have demonstrated regular ongoing contact. She sounds so unhinged that I would refuse all contact so that no precedent is set, and also write statements and keep them on file about all of the incidents that have happened over the last few days, just in case. She could go as far as trying to get access through the courts.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2018 06:15

I agree with math and ohfox. The nursery needs to know about this situation. I would also be concerned she starts stalking behaviour so watch your back and maybe get some advice on how to tackle her. She visited your home when she knew you weren’t present. She knew your dh was poorly. Basically she used this situation to try to abduct your child. Flowers

SherbertLemon2011 · 02/12/2018 06:15

Please be aware that bil will be under pressure from mil/fil to smooth things over.

I suggest that if he starts in this vein that you say something like it is between DH and mil and you won't be talking about it and that he is there to spend some lovely time with dad and you two and you don't want it ruined by talking about sad things.

It speaks volumes that your DH took DD to you dad's and that she feels she is safe there.

P.s. mil sounds obsessed and as pp have said unhinged. Even if she was drunk that is absolutely no excuse and makes it worse that DD would be in big danger.

P.p.s you and DH are a team. That is worth everything. your little family (with you and dd) and keeping her safe and happy is the most important thing most . Don't be guilt tripped into anything

Weenurse · 02/12/2018 06:19

This is horrible for you and DH.
Good luck

Bluehues · 02/12/2018 06:21

Is she menopausal? Not really an excuse for such behaviour but it can mess some women up

IggyAce · 02/12/2018 06:35

Definitely NC sounds like she is unhinged.

NicePieceOfPlaid · 02/12/2018 06:58

This woman needs help. Her behaviour is well beyond that of a obsessive grandmother.

Can BiL persuade her to see her GP?

Stay well away from her for now.