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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 13:41

Dh has arrived home from work apprently she's been on the phone most of the day in tears saying she's sure I will stop her seeing dd

Presuming your DH agrees with you, he needs to stop telling you things like this.
Can’t he just tell her that it’s her behaviour that is the deciding factor and he and you are 100% united.

user1andonly · 01/12/2018 13:49

I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up

Do not do this!

She behaves like this because she is used to getting her own way by throwing a tantrum, just like the two year old in the supermarket who lies on the floor and screams for sweets. If you give in, it might shut her up this time but she'll scream even longer next time.

Her behaviour might get worse for a while as she's so used to people giving in to her tantrums but stand your ground. Good that you and DH are on the same page.

And are totally nbu to keep the frame.

greeneyedlulu · 01/12/2018 15:18

Do not make first contact with her as she will see this as weakness and continue with this sort of behaviour!

No one needs this sort of grief in their life so I would definitely limit contact after an apology and would no way leave your dd in her care alone.
In fact id be happy not to see her again

keffie12 · 01/12/2018 18:10

Good God! I despair of some of the Ì.Ls and parents of who are the Grandparents at times. I also despair on Gransnet on some of the stuff I read from grandparents and their sense of entitlement and crazy ways over their grandchildren.

I am mom to 4 adult children with 3 grandsons and a granddaughter on the way.

My ex deceased Mil was hell. She looks like a pussy cat in comparison to this and some stories I read. Ì have done everything to ensure I am totally the opposite of her. In fact I am so laid back our eldest says he sometimes wonder if his wife is the daughter as I stick up for her. I never offer advice unless it is asked for and ensure I follow everything checking out stuff with them regularly. I am probably too much the other way but I know the hell my ex deceased Mil caused us.

No way does she get access to your daughter at anytime without you AND your husband there. You need your husband there in future. She is clearly unstable and I wouldn't want you alone with her.

You don't give her the picture. It is your money and your choice. Quite frankly I wouldn't have any contact until she sincerely apologises.

Even then I would still ensure its supervised contact with your husband. God knows what she could do with your little gal if she played up

tiredybear · 01/12/2018 18:22

oh wow. batshit crazy.
the fact your DH says she has form for this rules out medical worries, she'd just a selfish, entitled, control freak.

Allthewaves · 01/12/2018 18:29

Crikey some mil go a bit loopy. My own went a bit ott - she had a complete panic about left out dc life even though my parents live abroad. Dh had a quiet word and told her to back off a bit. She was a bit disgruntled but it settled down.

Photo wise I take photos of the proofs and msg them to grandparents and ask what package they would like to buy and I need money by x date - saves arguments

MCC85 · 01/12/2018 18:32

Your and DH's child, not hers......end of.
Nothing else should be considered, and if she's losing her head over you having extra pictures of YOUR child, I would be considering whether she is stable enough to be near your dd (now if it's medical obviously that is different, but it sounds like she's manipulative and obsessed with your baby).

tinytreefrog · 01/12/2018 18:41

Wow! Hard to believe an adult could actually act like that!!

I would be telling her that she would not be seeing dd until she apologised and started acting like a grown up! crazy!

MummyofTw0 · 01/12/2018 18:55

Oh my days. She sounds unhinged

janice511 · 01/12/2018 18:59

As some of the others say this could be the startvof dementia. She sounds childish and disinhibited.

billybagpuss · 01/12/2018 19:05

Wow, how bizarre, I hope tomorrow goes ok OP have you decided what to do?

ToftyAC · 01/12/2018 19:11

She’s off her bloody tits live! What on Earth?? Nip this in the bud now and tell her to get a grip.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/12/2018 19:16

I think your DH does need to speak to her and tell her she acted badly and she needs to stop the nonsense ... you are the parents and are entitled to whatever photos are taken and however many you want - she isn't actually entitled to any, but you kindly got her one and she needs to apologise to you for her outburst - don't you dare give her yours to shut her up because you are encouraging this behaviour if you do

Ilovelblue · 01/12/2018 19:25

I've not read this entire thread but why on earth can't your MIL have taken some photos of her own when you've gone to visit her with your DD? That way she'd have had some photos of her own that nobody else would have?

BewareOfDragons · 01/12/2018 19:42

I wouldn't reward her behaviour either. It's completely unacceptable and it sounds like it's actually been going on for quite some time.

I wouldn't cave in to her demands for your pictures, one on one time, or go to dinner with her this weekend. You need space, and she needs to learn that you will not be screamed at and treated so appallingly because she can't have your Dd when she wants her.

Invite your BIL around. Tell him he's a grown up and he doesn't have to cave in to her controlling behaviour either.

You need to support your DH in this. He's right. It's his mother, and he wants some breathing space, so pass on the dinner.

Strawberry2017 · 01/12/2018 19:49

Distance is clearly needed. She is bat shit crazy!

a1poshpaws · 01/12/2018 19:52

She sounds psychiatrically ill, and might be a danger to your daughter if left 1 on 1 with her.

ohfourfoxache · 01/12/2018 19:55

I really don’t think you should contact her. Leave it to dh.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2018 20:16

Honestly, she sounds unwell. I think you should stay out of it, but that your DH should speak to his dad and ask him if all is well with her.

8misskitty8 · 01/12/2018 20:31

I wouldn’t contact mil, or give her the photo. That would be giving her what she wants.

I would be letting the nursery know that she is not to pick your Dd up from there. If she is determined to get Dd on her own and is behaving like this then she might try to collect her.

flowerfairy6004 · 01/12/2018 21:23

You’re describing my ex husband’s mother to a tee. I breastfed my son so she wouldn’t take my son away from me, she was constantly asking to take him out on her own despite him being less than a month old. I wasn’t in the least possessive and would make a point of giving him to her to cuddle with when she visited but she used to scare me a bit at how possessive she used to be around him. She could be perfectly lovely but sometimes she could act like a spoilt child. I went to see a counsellor after my ex husband and I split up as I found out he’d been having an affair and taking our 3 year old with him for 9 months and telling him not to tell me. She suggested he was a narcissist and when we talked about his family in particular his mum and her behaviour she suggested that she was also a narcissist. Narcissists rarely can see outside of their own needs and wants and are experts at manipulating others to question their own reasonable behaviour. Maintain your boundaries - if you let her manipulate you she’ll do it forever. Be kind but firm. Good luck x

Nevergiveup1980 · 01/12/2018 22:03

Never let her look after your daughter alone... ever!
Strange behaviour

TheCherries · 01/12/2018 22:38

Your mil is a manipulator and you pandering to her and equalising everything within an inch of your life and enabling her to be there for all the ‘firsts’ is feeding her obsessions and control.

You need for your sanity and for healthy mental health of you all to go low co tact with her and stop justifying your relationship with your father, your daughter, your life!

Live your life and keep her at arms length.

Please stop making excuses for her. You are feeding her manipulating control over everything.

I know I had to go virtually NC with my mother for nearly a decade (one or two brief contacts each year). It is not until you have put them at arms length you realise what control they have over you and how you are a puppet in a string to their manipulation.

Original poster
Greensweets · 02/12/2018 01:06

Hi all sorry I haven't checked in all day its been a horrible day!

We definately will not be attending any meal!

I went out this afternoon with some friends this has been arranged for sometime we went for Christmas shopping and to see a show in a near by town. Dh had dd for the day and mil knew of these plans. She turned up about an hour after I left and dh said she came waltzing in like nothing had even happened dh has had a bit of cold (nothing major) mil kept telling him he wasn't well enough to look after dd and he should go back to bed and she would take dd back to her house to sleep dh told her no and said she wasn't taking dd anywhere mil went to the washing basket where there were clean folded clothes and started trying to collect some of dds things together so she could take her dh said he had to pretty much scream at her to stop and then call bil who had arrived at mils while she was gone to come and take her away mil started bawling her eyes out and kept trying to pick dd up who was eating her lunch at the time and saying all her other friends get to take their dgc dh said told her she will never have unsupervised time with her again and that's the end of it. Dh said he didn't feel right after mil left so he took dd to my dad's house and asked if she could spend the night there my dad's got her now. Mil called at around half 7 and said seeing as she isnt allowed to have Dd on her own she was coming over to spend time with her grandchild dh told her she wasn't here and that she was spending the night with her grandad as mil made him feel so uncomfortable so mil went absolutely ballistic called my dad a bastard the lot luckily mil doesnt know my dad's address as she has never been there and has never had any interest in him. Dh said enough is enough he wants to go NC I've had mils sister on the phone for over 2 hours explaining what's gone on she is at mils now having a stern word with her but she did say that mil was incredibly jealous of my dad almost consumed entirely by it and that almost every time they speak mil mainly slags my dad off or anyone else who spends time with dd who isn't part if her family according to mils sister she has even complained about nursery staff. I feel so uneasy tonight as dd isn't here and I keep thinking mil will show up dh has made it clear if she turns up he is calling the police as he feels harassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensweets · 02/12/2018 01:07

Sorry for the no paragraphs I'm on my phone im exhausted and anxious.

OP posts:
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