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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greensweets · 02/12/2018 14:46

Dh dad is a total nightmare we had to go no contact with him 3 years ago he got addicted to drugs he lives in another part of the country now last time we saw him he had been sectioned mil and fil has split many years before this.

I dont think there's any sort of back story as to why sil didn't come down it's not that unusual to be honest I would say 80% of the time bil visits without her but it's not such a bad thing she can be a little hard work and in mils defence she treats mils house like a hotel I dont think mil has every done anything to sil though if that's what you're asking.

OP posts:

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 02/12/2018 14:59

A massive well done to your DH on putting his foot down and protecting your DD and making the decision to go NC. I do thoroughly recommend that you both read the Toxic Parents and Toxic in-laws books, by Susan Forward.

I don’t like to have to bring this up, but I would contact your dd’s nursery and tell them that under NO circumstances is your MIL allowed to take your DD from nursery. It sounds like she may know the staff and/ or have picked your DD up before, so make sure that she is not allowed access to remove your dd and ask that they call you if she does. It would help to warn them about how volatile and abusive she has been as they may need to call the police if she kicks off.

Does your MIL have a key to your house? If she does I would also consider changing the locks. You shouldn’t have to send your baby to your DF’s to keep her safe.

I am sorry that you are going through this! Dont be surprised if you start to hear from concerned friends of hers, otherwise known as flying monkeys. Thankfully your BIL and your DH’s Aunt sounds very switched on.

We had to block our in-laws on everything, bar from my husbands email address. We could still be contacted if there was an emergency but we could choose not to answer emails or even read them until we were ready..

BumsexAtTheBingo · 02/12/2018 15:08

I would message her and let her know that if she behaves in a similar way ever again screaming and throwing things in front of your dd that will be the last she will see if any of you.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2018 15:54

Just wondering, Green, but glad that SiL and MiL appear to get along. I suppose 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and living a ways away probably helps if you have a 'high maintenance' relative.

Just keep standing your ground with her, there's really not much else you can do. And sorry about DH's dad. Drugs are a real bastard.

FaveNumberIs2 · 02/12/2018 17:20

Go non contact until she stops telling you what to do. What a fucking bitch. This is YOUR child and YOUR responsibility. She needs to play by YOUR rules or not at all.

Celtic1hair · 02/12/2018 18:35

It sounds as though she is having some sort of breakdown, but all you can do is deal with the issues as they present themselves. Also you and your family sound amazing, so kind and supportive, it's actually really lovely to hear!

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2018 18:54

Just wondering, Green, but glad that SiL and MiL appear to get along. I suppose 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and living a ways away probably helps if you have a 'high maintenance' relative.

This is very true. My MIL is high maintenance, but it's made much easier by the fact that she lives a 3 hour drive away from us and she only stays with us two or three times a year, for 3/4 days, or else we see her when we visit my SIL and BIL and their family.

She wants to talk on the phone a lot, but it's my DH who deals with that. It makes my life a lot easier.

ChodeofChodeHall · 02/12/2018 18:56

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I think you and your DH have dealt with things admirably, and your dad and BIL sound great! Stay strong and keep buggering on

Snowwontbelong · 02/12/2018 20:47

Sounds like mil's friends have pushed her to this stage by - in her eyes - filling her head with stories of unsupervised access!
We are also nc with my ils, for the opposite reasons to yours op, but life is truly blissful without them in it.
Do not feel guilty at all mind!
She is batshit at its best.

Original poster

Greensweets · 02/12/2018 21:19

Bil is fantastic he's just very much a people pleaser and always wants to keep everyone happy I think he is slowly learning you can't always do that in life.

Yeah sil is fine im happy with the amount I see her as we are two very different people but seeing less of her means when we do meet we have loads to talk about and rub along really nicely. I just dont think thry 100% get it yet as neither of them have children (personal choice) they are supportive though so really we couldn't ask for better. It's been pretty quiet on mil front today thank goodness and dd is back in her own bed where she belongs.

Dh and I have decided that even if mil makes any contact we are going to take a few days to cool off before we even think about responding and dh said if we are to sort things some very firm ground rules and boundries are to be put in place which I think is totally fair. It is his mother so I'm happy to follow his lead on this.

Thank you to the poster who commented about fil yes drugs are a bastard he has missed out entirely on dd but he is too much of a danger to have around last time he called dh he was on another planet we heard a woman in the background when dh asked who the woman was he responded by saying she was a prostitute he could then be heard quite clearly snorting a line of cocaine dh slammed the phone down and asked spoken to him since.

It is all really sad if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Littlelambpeep · 02/12/2018 21:33

I have read all the posts op and she really isn't well - but that's not for you to worry about.

But you are contacting her too soon if you only leave it a few days. I really would take a firmer approach as if you don't sort this now you will have this your whole life.

Original poster

Greensweets · 02/12/2018 21:49

Sorry little what I meant is if mil contacts us say tomorrow we won't be responding straight away we need time to cool off neither me or dh are hot headed people we both believe the best thing is to be fully calm before revisiting conflicting situations that way our judgement wont be clouded by anger.

OP posts:

Laiste · 02/12/2018 21:58

''She turned up about an hour after I left and dh said she came waltzing in like nothing had even happened''

She hasn't got a key has she?? Change the locks!

Yidette86 · 02/12/2018 22:15

Who the fuck is she to dictate anything to do with your child?

I would have told her to fuck off and to get her head out of her arse.

Flipping over a photo frame and who you choose to babysit... Stupid cow needs a reality check, stand firm because if you give her an inch she'll expect mile.

Original poster

Greensweets · 02/12/2018 22:32

No she doesn't have a key the front door was unlocked that was another argument because we have my dad a key when we first moved in as he was doing some work on our home dh and i are utterly useless when it comes to diy when my dad went to give the spare key back I told him to keep it that way if dh or me lose our key we can meet him to grab the spare and my dad drives so if needed he would happily drive to meet us. Mil went absolutely nuts about this even though she works full time and doesn't drive so wouldn't be avalible to bring a key or meet us with one. I had to lie in the end and say that we had the spare key back because it caused so much trouble.

OP posts:

LongtimeLurker29 · 02/12/2018 23:22

I feel your pain! We ended up ringing the police to report her for harassment. Blatantly trying to use our kids to try and make up for her massive failings as a parent.

Do mention to nursery that you are having difficulties with her just to be sure. And tell her that it is your job to protect and do the right thing for your child, not to make sure life is fair for everyone else.

I spent far too much time worrying that it was fair between people just to stop arguments and do regret that looking back x

roseb · 03/12/2018 12:40

Hi crabbity, yes we went nc after that until she eventually calmed down. DH is an old child so there were some issues before that too but that was the worst. even after she apologised we were really careful. she once told me that she is completely perfect but the world doesn't understand her. Not much you can do with that really!

Poloshot · 03/12/2018 13:18

Wow this is crazy. Hope you get this situation sorted. I'd be very wary about her spending time with your child.

TheLittlestLightOnTheTree · 03/12/2018 13:24

Op you need to start nipping this in the bud now

Let her tantrums unravel in front of you.... say nothing, just watch her. It will un nerve her and leave her to reflect on it

Then quietly say goodbye and leave at that. Zero engagement

But I would slowly then withdraw more and more

SummerStrong · 03/12/2018 13:27

she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all

No fucking way.

She sounds very mentally unwell.

jacks11 · 03/12/2018 13:44

Your MIL sounds deeply unpleasant or mentally unwell. To react like that over a few photographs is bizarre. Nobody who lost control to such an extent over such a small thing would be getting "one on one" contact with my child at any time, never mind once per week. And to demand it, telling me that I could not be present would be met with a very firm "no, not even if hell freezes over".

As for you being with your DD "all the time" what on earth is wrong with her? She's your child, of course you see more often.

I think your DH needs to speak to his mother and explain to her that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, as a consequence unless or until she apologises and modifies her behaviour, contact with her will be minimal and definitely no unsupervised contact with your DD.

I simply don't think you can ignore this, nor given in to her demand- both for your sake and your daughter's. If you give into this, you'll be making a rod for your own back.

Laiste · 03/12/2018 16:36

No she doesn't have a key the front door was unlocked

So you have to physically lock the door when you come in ... yes we had one of those in our last house. I always felt slightly vulnerable but could never quite be bothered to keep locking it while i was in.

D'y know what? In your situation i'd be looking at replacing the lock (or the whole door - whatever) so i had a 'yale lock'. One which is locked whenever it's shut. No one gets in without an actual key.

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/12/2018 17:22

Hope she left you all in peace today

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 20/12/2018 12:33

she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode

Gosh, how odd.

dustarr73 · 20/12/2018 12:42

Have you heard from your mil op.

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