Mil and dds nursery photos

[Greensweets]

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

Definitely don't contact her.
If she has form she's not taking dementia.
My MIL is the same. When DD was 2, I came in from the kitchen to find her bundling DD into the car, no baby seat.
We found out later she had wanted to try to get her to Ireland , we're in NI.
We were NC for 2 years then she was allowed to come up to the house occasionally.
Were all NC now, the DDs are 17 and 20 have have no notion of ever seeing her again.

Wow, toxic much

Absolutely low contact & do not leave her alone with your child. She is poisonous & can't be trusted

& do not give her the frame!!

Give in once & you've set a precedent for her to become more & more demanding. Treat her as you would a toddler, stand your ground & be the adult, teach her bad behaviour does not get results.

If this is new behaviour though, then it might be worth finding out if she has any other symptoms. It could be medical, thyroid problems, diabetes, B12 deficiency & much more can cause anxiety & angry outbursts etc

Good luck

Not normal behaviour whatsoever. I'd be concerned about her mental state if she thinks this is an ok way to behave.

I will tell you what I was told by my disability social worker and my dh was told by his psychologist when my MIL displayed similarly awful behaviour! Allowing your tiny daughter contact with your MIL is a
SAFEGUARDING RISK! We were told that if I hadn’t already decided to stop contact with MIL, they would be forced to refer us to the child protection team.

Your MIL is not stable and has shown outrageous behaviour towards you and your dh, as well as a very concerning possessiveness of your dd! Read what Cocolepew has written, I would NOT be leaving your DD in your MIL’s care alone, she is a flight risk!

Have a read of the books ‘Toxic Parents’ and ‘Toxic Inlaws’ both are written by Susan Forward. I would also look up information on narcissistic Mothers.

You are very lucky to have a dh who is prepared to stand up to his dm! So many men are manipulated and controlled and submit to any of their Mothers awful behaviour after years of conditioning!

Been in a similar situation. Glad your DH stood up to her, it’s what mine (finally) had to do to get it to stop. But i recommmend no olive branches (as taken as a sign that you acknowledge you are wrong, we did with the first few outbursts). We held out for an apology after the last huge outburst a few years ago (took 6 days of her stewing and it wasn’t the best one but it’s more than she’s ever done in her family). I won’t forget what she said about me (ffs I’m the only one to arrange any visits etc, but I’m the bad guy apparently as I won’t let her do things that aren’t good for/upset my kids) but I pretend to for the sake of my husband and kids, and she now at least behaves herself and is civil.

Wow this wonan sounds extreme. Does she normally act like this?

This sounds like someone who is underappreciated, does a lot for you, and is not thanked on a regular or even semi-regular basis for her help, have a complete and utter breakdown. You absolutely need to talk to her, get to the bottom of things — this is clearly more about you and your dh and less about the photoframe.

How do you come to that conclusion from the op Cherries?

From all her posts

@Cherries101 Have I missed something? Which bit of the OP's posts have led to that conclusion?

Bloody hell, definitely no unsupervised contact!

WTF IS WRONG WITH SO MANY MILS. Shouting because anger.

&cherries101 are you the MIL?

OP I’m in agreement with most of the posters. Do not contact Mil in a conciliatory way. She will interpret this as your feeling guilty because she was justified in her behaviour.
How on earth will she realise her behaviour is unacceptable if you do not make it’ll her. She weapon the phone as part of her strategy to get her own way.. She hoped DH would feel sorry for her and persuade you to accede to her wishes

You're goingnto call her and offer her support. If you do this you are just re-affirming that you are dreadful and she is the wronged party.
Get DH onside, he tells her she will not be having contact with any of you again until she has apologised and sought help for her anger issues.
She sounds very toxic, do not let her come between you and DH and do not back down or show her pity. She was completely and totally in the wrong and she needs to take steps to rectify that if she wishes.

OP stop enabling this bad behaviour. The onus is on her to apologise and literally bend over backwards to make amends. Stop pandering to her because you let this build up to such a degree.

What the fuck have I just read?!

Crazy lady . No way would she see my dd unsupervised

Cherries101 How do you find previous posts?

You'll "get in touch and offer support"

Jesus wept.

OP, mil has behaved terribly and if you get in touch she will continue to do so. Wait for her to make contact and apologise. I would still not leave her unattended with DD even then but it's at least a start of letting her know you won't be spoken to like that in your own home ffs.

I have never written anout my mil before on mumsnet and have namechanged for this thread.

Dh isnt an only child but mil has only had boys so could be when I first met dh me and my mil were really close she always said I was the daughter she never had and I didn't mind this as my mum passed away and I've never regarded anyone else as a mumlike figure until i met mil.

I think a big problem here is mil has lots of friends who provide almost daily childcare to their dgc mil thought it would be the same for her but we just don't need that level of child care she once said that some of her colleagues at work mocked her for having less contact with dd then they do with their dgc I dont believe for a second this happened I think it was mils way of trying to manipulate us into letting her have dd more which didn't happen since dd started nursery we found we need less childcare from anywhere else but have always made sure to see each set of dgps atleast once a week and we are always careful to include them in any special plans or occasions it does feel a little to me that she isn't happy with being and getting the same as my dad and his dp she wants more perhaps to make her feel like the dominate gp. She has always been clear that she is jealous of the close relationship I have with my dad but my relationship with him doesn't take anything away from her nor does my dds relationship with her grandad in anyway take away the bond she and mil share.

I just hate any sort of conflict but I'm also not a total push over especially when it comes to dd but even though dh is angry I'm just trying to remeber she is his mother and we did once share a very close relationship I want to be firm but remain respectful as there's no need for me to stoop to her level.

With regards to the photos dh wasn't trying to be difficult we couldn't afford to buy everyone every photo but also said there is no need and sometimes we can have things of our Dd that others don't have and we don't have to share every single picture which is why he chose 1 for all of them and then as a surprise paid for me to have all 3 in a special frame. We arent the sort of parents that want to keep dd all to ourselves but we already share so much of her to keep every one happy mil has always made a point of being part of dds first everything so sometimes if dh and i make any special memories with dd on our own we do try and keep a couple of those things private and just for us. Its hard to explain on here but when I explained the same thing to some of my family irl they totally understood and said the problem is these days every single thing is shared and public for the world to see sometimes it's nice to have some stuff that isn't splashed everywhere.

We are supposed to see mil on Sunday as we were taking her out for dinner and dbil will be here and then to a soft play centre with dd but now I dont know what to do dh is refusing to go but I feel that would be punishing dbil he rarely gets to see dd or his mum unfortunately dd will not be left in dbils care as to her he is practically a stranger so either me or dh need to be there.

Such behaviour certainly wouldn't lead to one on one time with her dgd in my view