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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and dds nursery photos

254 replies

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 14:44

Hi everyone have NC for this as my other posts are quite outing.

Yesterday after nursery pick up I received my dds 1st nursery photos. Back when we were choosing through the packages dh and i decided to order a trio frame with each photo in for ourselves and then we chose 1 of the photos and had 4 copies done for my parents, mil and dbil and his wife.

Yesterday I invited mil around for a cup of tea and a catch up and so that I could give her the photo as a surprise she didn't know we had ordered any photos for anyone as money has been a little tighter over the last few months. Mil was happy with her photo but then she spotted my trio frame with all 3 of the different photos in she immediately kicked off and went into full tantrum mode and said she wanted the trio frame and dh and i should keep the single I explained that everyone else had been given the same and that as her parents sometimes it's nice for us to have photos for ourselves that others don't have. Mil still unhappy with this said it's not fair as we are with dd all the time so she should get the frame with the other photos in she then tried picking the frame up and heading for the door after throwing the single photo dh took the frame off her and said no and that he had paid for the trio frame as one of my Christmas presents and that she should count herself lucky we bought a photo for anyone else.

Mil started screaming in our faces and saying none of it was fair oh and that my dad had collected dd from nursery the week before because I had a hospital appointment and that she should of been asked I said I didnt ask her to because she was at work and also she doesn't drive.

I make sure I see mil atleast once a week with dd I dont know where all this jealousy has come from she's now demanded 1 on 1 contact with dd once a week and said I am not allowed to be present all because my dad collected her 1 day and dropped her straight to me dd was in my dad's care for roughly half an hour.

All this over a flaming photo I feel like just giving her the frame to shut her up but then going very low contact.

We ask both my parents and mil to babysit equally and she actually sees more of dd then my parents so I dont understand what this is all about.

Any advice? She's always been quite possessive over dd but I've always let it go over my head.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 30/11/2018 17:47

She’s going about it the right way if she want to be blocked from doing “ nanny time”.
I’d make it clear that unless she can she consistently that she is in control of her reactions then she wouldn’t be seeing any of dd, and even then I wouldn’t let her be on her own with her. The choice is hers , to behave or not. If she can’t then she’s too mentally deranged to do childcare.
Be very very specific about how you need her to be op.

AdaColeman · 30/11/2018 17:51

MIL is being ridiculous.

If it were me, I'd be severely cutting back on the time she spends with DD and me.
Life is too short for all this drama and angst.

Original poster

Greensweets · 30/11/2018 17:52

Dh is really cross with her he told her the obsession with dd needs to stop as it's starting to make him uncomfortable we have always been careful to make sure the dgps have an equal relationship and we put in equal time. I'm going to let the dust settle for a few days and then make contact and see if I can offer her some support dh has said this behaviour isnt unlike her but she does a good job of making what she is really like usually. I just need to remeber there's a difference between being supportive and giving in and right now I do not feel happy to allow mil on her own with dd

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 30/11/2018 17:53

Grandparents don't have duties. They get to spend the best of times with their GC - if they don't piss the parents off.

Brexshit · 30/11/2018 18:01

Jesus, as pp have said, she sounds bloody deranged. Bloody right she won't be looking after dd alone.

Tinkerbell89 · 30/11/2018 18:05

I would most certainly not leave my DD in her care unsupervised with the way she has behaved and I would also lessen contact until she apologises and proves she won't behave in that manner again. May also be worth hubby being around on the next visits to monitor her behaviour towards you. She feels entitled to your DD and is not. It's a privilege to be involved. It was very kind of you to think of giving her a photo abd she should have just been pleased and said thank you for thinking of me. You need to get a handle on this fast and stand your ground. Do not let her take DD without you, who knows what she'll say or do if she's unhappy. Good luck

acatcalledjohn · 30/11/2018 18:11

Dh has arrived home from work apprently she's been on the phone most of the day in tears saying she's sure I will stop her seeing dd

The response to that should be "yes, you will be stopped from seeing DD if you behave like that ever again".

The words nip and bud spring to mind.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/11/2018 18:32

Please do not contact her in a few days..by doing that you are almost saying well do as you like MIL we will forgive you,Stop chasing her please OP you are sending out all the wrong messages.You are making this so much harder for yourself in the long run if you do....Let her get in touch with you...you are the one who needs apologising to not her.

MamaLovesMango · 30/11/2018 18:39

What’s to be supportive off though? She’s behaved appallingly. She doesn’t get your support.

scaredandindebt · 30/11/2018 18:43

Three words from me OP

Fuck. Off. MIL

bringbackthestripes · 30/11/2018 18:56

“Dh has arrived home from work apprently she's been on the phone most of the day in tears saying she's sure I will stop her seeing dd

The response to that should be "yes, you will be stopped from seeing DD if you behave like that ever again".”

Agree with acatcalledjohn he should have said this ^

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/11/2018 18:57

By any chance is your DH her only child, or were all her own children boys? This really screams of a woman who desperately wanted a daughter and either didn't have one, or didn't have one with the personality and desires of being her mini me little princess that she wanted, and your daughter has become a surrogate daughter.

Because she "made" your DH, and he "made" DD, she may be irrationally clinging to the fact DD couldn't have existed without her so is in some way hers.

Either way it's disturbing and no bloody way would 1 on 1 be happening as who knows what she may do against your wishes when shes trying to play "Mummy". For all you know she may try to teach your DD to call her mummy, it sure wouldn't be a normal healthy grndparent relationship.

PanamaPattie · 30/11/2018 18:58

There is nothing to support. If you contact her first, she will think she has been forgiven. Leave her alone. Get DH to deal with her.

BareBelliedSneetch · 30/11/2018 19:12

I don’t agree with the whole idea of treating grandparents equally.

Our children are ours. Not the grandparents.

My relationship with my parents is totally separate from DHs relationship with his. The time they spend with us/the children is mostly dependant in the strengths and nature of th as individual relationships. The time spent with the children without us present depends on the GPs own individual abilities/locations/availability and their relationship with the children - none of these are equal, so they don’t get equal time.

The children are not toys or possessions to be divided equally.

UnleashTheBulsara · 30/11/2018 19:14

Your DH should have told her "No I will stop you seeing DD if you behave like that!" Why should you be the Bad Cop in this? Definitely for your DH to outline to her how she is expected to behave in order for contact to be maintained, and behaving like a two year old toddler isn't it. She tried to just take the trio photo frame because she wanted it? Screaming, shouting that it isn't fair, throwing things, making unreasonable demands... not the actions of a rational adult.

Whether this is simply because she's used to getting what she wants, or whether she is having mental problems, she's going to be tricky to manage and I don't know how you would do it. Personally, I would want to pull away as I just wouldn't want to have to deal with that

36degrees · 30/11/2018 19:22

My MIL was a bit like this and we now know it was because she was in the early stages of vascular dementia. I never really knew her before she started behaving like this, so I just thought she was hell on wheels but she was actually really unwell. If a quiet word from DH asking after her health gets swept under the carpet, or brushed off, or another mouthful of abuse from MIL, I would be seeking low and definitely supervised contact only. Even if her behaviour has an underlying reason, it's still not acceptable, and not safe for a toddler to be exposed to.

Ariesgirl1988 · 30/11/2018 19:29

OP whatever you do don't ring her in a few days or even weeks! if she wants to see her gd then the ball is in her court to make this right and I definitely wouldn't allow your child one on one with her. As for your dh as a pp said he should have replied "no but I WILL stop you seeing her if you don't behave". As another poster also said does she have any daughters of her own or is she a mother of boys? there seems to be a pattern of MIL hating on their DIL because of their beloved "boys" Rolling My Eyes

LorraineBainesMcFly · 30/11/2018 19:30

I personally wouldn’t be contacting her - definitely not to be offering support (not even sure for what)- I would be sitting back waiting for my apology before she was ever invited back in my house (nevermind babysit) again.
She sounds like a bit of a manipulative narcissist. So good that DH and you on same page and he has the measure of her.

HauntedPencil · 30/11/2018 19:40

Well this isn't so much about the photos as that MIL sounds completely batshit.

On point though, I order the CD now with all the images on

grannybiker · 30/11/2018 20:07

What a horrid experience.
Serious question- can you be 100% that this and her previous demanding behaviour you've hinted at isn't the early stages of dementia? Sadly I've witnessed such bizarre behaviour gradually deteriorating until there can be no doubt. Even something like a UTI can cause some REALLY weird behaviour.

Fluffyears · 30/11/2018 20:25

She needs to realise the 121 stuff will
Not be happebing. This is YOUR child, you say where, when and with who she siebds time. You can certainly decide she doesn’t get any contact and she does not get to say who is there. This is your daughter and she gets ‘invited’ to see her and doesn’t make the rules.

Singlenotsingle · 30/11/2018 20:32

I'd be a bit worried dementia is setting in. How old is she?

MulticolourMophead · 30/11/2018 20:34

Please do not contact her in a few days..by doing that you are almost saying well do as you like MIL we will forgive you,Stop chasing her please OP you are sending out all the wrong messages.

I agree. OP, don't contact MIL, let her come to you. Otherwise, she may see any approach as you forgiving/apologising to her.

MidniteScribbler · 30/11/2018 21:00

Do not contact her, and never let her have your DD on her own. In fact, I would be making sure that any contact was done outside of your home so she can't take anything. Natural consequences for her behaviour.

CaveMum · 30/11/2018 21:15

Agree with other posters that you should not contact her. She needs to come to you begging for forgiveness. If you call her and “offer support” she will take it as carte blanche do do/demand whatever the heck she likes.

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