to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

[Zooples]

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

Does he want you to by his mum birthday presents and cards too?!

*buy

YANBU. I do the same thing. One WhatsApp group is absolutely not a solution because people respond to photos and the dynamics are different. I have a private fb group as we live overseas with a range of good friends and family on it, including all the in laws. When dh suggests it’s been a while since I added photos I say it’s been even longer since he has. We both have family WhatsApp groups. There is no way I would combine these. I send photos to mine and my siblings comment on whether my baby looks more like it has piggy or goat genes in the mix, my mil would be genuinely horrified. Every now and then I send one to dhs family WhatsApp. Mostly dh does. Just like the ops husband he gets all the ones I send. And if he didn’t I would point out he could always take one himself ( which i do point out). My in laws are not offended. Dh would never call me out on this unless he’d broken both hands.

I was also going to suggest lifecake

Basically husband is saying when you’re sending pics to your mum forward them on to my mum too she’d love to see them as the other grandparent. The op is already taking the pics & sending them .

So why can't her dh? He's already got the same bloody photos!

Yeah, its silly that you wont do it.

But its NOT silly that he wont do it because it’s not on his radar. Except when it is, because he nags you about it. It’s on his radar then. Just not enough on his radar to forward the photos to his family. He doesnt care about his parents enough to press that heavy, heavy button on his phone.

And his large inportant manly brain is much too busy for such trivial things as pressing phone buttons. i bet he never even uses the internet or a smart phone, does he ?

OP - you need to understand that life is full of hundreds of small jobs that are nothing when women do them. But they are HUGE BIG DEAL when men do them , because men don’t see the mess/ understand / notice / their brains aren’t wired like that.

So you are petty / difficult not to do them. They are just womens work - unimportant until they are not done, when it becomes an issue.

Welcome to the world of wifework.

Can you set up a flickr or similar online account. Set to private so can only be viewed by the people you invite. Stick the pics on there so it doesn’t matter if you lose your phone, invite your family friends. Give him the details so he can invite anyone he thinks would be interested

@HeathRobinson

Yeah he has them because she sent them to him too... so just send them on.

I agree with other posters questions , is this another small thing that you do for him?

If you’re responsible for all activities and keeping in touch with inlaws then I understand it’s part of a much more complex picture .
However given the information... she takes the pics , he doesn’t.
She enjoys sending pics to her family why would she not enjoy sending the other grandparents the same pictures whilst she’s doing it.

There had been no other information other than he wants her to send the same pics that she’s sending her family to his family.

You absolutely don't have to but if you are sending them to your family it seems a bit petty to not send them to his. You are all family after all.

My OH is a really good dad, does loads around the house but would never think to give his parents photos or print any photos off and update the ones around the house so I just do it. He does lots of other things I don't do though. It wouldn't bother me unless he didn't pull his weight in other ways.

I WhatsApp photos to DH. If he thinks his family would like the photo he sends it on with a caption and then they all have a little exchange of messages about it.

Same happens in reverse when he sends photos to me.

Your DH is being a cock and he knows it.

Now he has been a cock about it you are going to have to leave all his family comms to him and him only for a good few weeks.

He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal

If it's not a big deal, why doesn't he do it?

If he's generally fine about doing his fair share and this is not some symbolic thing, I'd find a tech solution to it and that's that - a GP WhatsApp channel, Telegram, Cakewhatever, Flickr...

FWIW I'm in the same situation and update my inlaws along with commentary in broken sodding Russian. Minor inconvenience, and I can't imagine digging my heels in about it if everything else was well.

She treats me exactly as she does her own mum and I will always be thankful DS met such an amazing woman

And does your son treat his mother in law like he treats you? Does he buy her thoughtful gifts?

I send photos to my mum because I talk to her relatively frequently and send pictures of the activities that we've spoken about as part of an ongoing messenger conversation. I don't have the same ongoing chat with my in-laws, much as I love them, so don't tend to send them photos as much. It's not simply a question of pressing anther button, it's a whole line of communication that we don't normally engage in and while I don't necessarily object to keeping in touch with them like that, but if my husband was being shitty about me not doing it, then I would object on the same grounds as the OP because it can't simultaneously be too easy for me not to do it and too hard for him to do.

He does yes Angel, he does a lot for his PILs in ways of helping with jobs around the house and garden, running his MIL to places when his FIL hasn't been well, if he buys me flowers he will his MIL some too.

I’d tell him for every nice photo of me & baby that he takes , I’ll happily send two nice photos to his parents.

if my husband was being shitty about me not doing it, then I would object on the same grounds as the OP because it can't simultaneously be too easy for me not to do it and too hard for him to do

I agree with this.

"There had been no other information other than he wants her to send the same pics that she’s sending her family to his family."

If you rtft or at least all op's posts you'll see there IS more info.

@Graphista

No other information that warrants a refusal to send pictures.
OP has been asked what hubby is like in other areas , if this is another bug bear, part of a bigger more complex picture .
OP hasn’t responded , I’m going on what has been said so far by OP . I’m not presuming that husband is being a lazy arse when OP hasn’t said that. That’s just as wrong as presuming the husband thinks it’s wife’s work.
Is husband cross and annoyed because he thinks like half of us that she’s being petty or because he thinks it should be her responsibility only?

Op has also explained why it's not simply a case of putting the photos all in one whatapp group or similar though many posters seem to have missed or ignored that, that it's not/unlikely to be purely sending the photos, that it will also involve dealing with follow up conversations.

Also the dh being in a huff/angry/cross is unacceptable whatever his supposed reasons. If you're wanting someone to do you/your family a favour you don't get snotty with them if they're not keen! At the very least you hear them out on their reasons.

@Graphista
**Also the dh being in a huff/angry/cross is unacceptable whatever his supposed reasons

But the OP is feeling these same emotions ... is she entitled to & he’s not? Surely that’s double standards?

It is as simple as selecting pictures, and tapping one extra button to send them to the inlaws. You don’t need to have lengthy correspondence, that tone is totally decided by the OP & she’s already said she gets on well with them.

Sorry I’m not one bit convinced this isn’t total pettiness on the op .

Team OP! It seems to me the issue is more about your husband demanding and sulking, than the actual pictures. He could have forwarded the pics on in less messages than those debating with you about doing it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having different levels of communication with your respect families. When my husband went back to work after our first baby, I sent him so many pictures. No one ,but no one - not the fondest granny in the world - would have wanted all those!

Next most I texted to my mum, as I spoke to her more. I get on well with my mother-in-law, and we text periodically and I will send her the odd photo. But she isn't my mum! I can't invent 30 formative years of relationship with her, in the interest of absolute fairness now I've product a grandchild. If she has a problem with the lack of contact or photos , I'd presume she'd take it up with her son - who does have that relationship!

OP is upset that her husband has started an argument over this.

OP does send the occasional picture but doesn’t feel like she should be sending constant updates that’s for her dh to do if he feels it’s nevess.

And tapping send on WhatsApp of everyone future she sends to her family with no commentary to her in-laws would be odd actually. Normally when I send pictures to family there’s commentary and or we end up joking and talking about baby.

The dh can full well do it if it’s such a big deal to him. It’s not op’s duty it’s his they’re his family. And importantly he would not reciprocate when in the same situation which they were in when they lived in the dh’s country. So why is it OP’s responsibility now that the tables have turned?

I think your being a bit mean spirited and petty.

I got fed up with putting pictures of DD on multiple WhatsApp groups and just made 1 big one for photo sharing. If someone doesn't like someone else responding then they can either suck it up or leave tbh. Saves me a lot of time and bother. As it happens they are all just really happy to be seeing so many photos of DD they dont mind the responses.