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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

186 replies

Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:35

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:29

Then sort out your problems with your dh instead of punishing other family members

Exactly.

79andnotout · 30/11/2018 13:30

YANBU. I hate the way the wives are expected to manage all communication. I get the blame for OH being crap at communicating with his family and it does my head in. My family is about ten times the size of his, I have enough on my plate.

HeathRobinson · 30/11/2018 13:30

Wifework, innit? No way should it fall to you.

Is he lazy or just doesn't like his parents that much?

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 30/11/2018 13:31

YANBU. If you have shared them with him, it’s just as easy for him to send them as it is him. I would also resent the suggestion that this is ‘wife work’ somehow. He is perfectly capable of keeping in touch with his own family. It won’t be a one off, it sets a precedent that you are responsible for updating his family and dealing with the inevitable replies. It’s not a great hassle, but it is hassle nevertheless on an ongoing basis. I also don’t see why you should have to set up a joint WhatsApp group with your family and his, you are entitled to your own family group. I wouldn’t send them personally.

The answer might be different if you stay at home and he goes to work. In that case, the division of chores is arguably a bit different and it wouldn’t kill you include it as part of your domestic responsibilities. I wouldn’t say it’s unreasonable not to though.

HeathRobinson · 30/11/2018 13:33

And also, how dare he be angry at this when he can't even be bothered to take photos of his wife and child together, because he 'forgets'.

That's dickish behaviour right there. How come you're not angry about that?

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 13:34

I guess I resent him being a bit lazy on that side of things

Then sort out your problems with your dh instead of punishing other family members

Yes, I definitely need to do that. Can I ask why you think it is me punishing other family members though? If they're being punished, why is it me who's the bad guy? I'm just not seeing it. I'm not trying to be goady, I honestly need this to be explained.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 30/11/2018 13:35

My DH looks after the communication with his side of the family. No way would I do it. He has complete use of his thumbs. YANBU.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:36

If you're sending your parents photos why can't you send your husbands. Can't you see how petty it is not to?

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 13:36

Thanks dinosaur I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't want to set a precedent. And expectations. And be nagged about it. It's not supposed to be a bloody job, as other pps have said.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 30/11/2018 13:37

I just can't see why you wouldn't. It seems ridiculous to me. Your husband works long hours, you take the vast majority of the photos so I actually agree with him. Just send them. Very petty otherwise.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:37

Do you see it is a job to send your parents the photos?

BitOfANameChange · 30/11/2018 13:38

I have a very large family. Ex didn't. But still expected I'd do the mental load of remembering birthdays, etc.

30 years ago I put my foot down and refused to do the "wifework", and made it clear Ex was to sort out stuff for his family, and also ensured his family knew I wasn't responsible. I wasn't and never was up to me to do all the facilitating for his relationship with his family. I still had a good relationship with them, but he didn't.

OP sending pics might seem a petty thing, but quite often it leads to "mission creep" where you end up taking on more and more of the mental load associated with "wifework". Fuck that, I had enough to sort out with my own family, without the added stress of sorting out cards and gifts for his family as well as my own during my lunch breaks while he sat on his arse.

A580Hojas · 30/11/2018 13:38

Why did he ask you to send them when he actually HAD them as you'd share them with him? You are absolutely right to question his assumption that this is your job now. He's in a huff because he knows he's in the wrong and hasn't got an explanation.

Pebblespony · 30/11/2018 13:38

What's ridiculous is that he has access to the photos and won't send them.

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 13:41

No greatduck I don't see it as a job to send my parents photos. I enjoy it. I do feel like it's a job to then remember to make sure they've all gone to DHs side as well.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/11/2018 13:42

Dear God, just when you thought people couldn't get any more petty and mean spirited.

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 30/11/2018 13:43

I cba to send photos to anyone, if they want to see the kids they can come visit, if they want photos of them, well they have phones, my parents took like 30 photos of me my ENTIRE childhood - this whole billion photos a day is a nice to have but its not necessary.

fredleighton · 30/11/2018 13:43

I don't understand why you would send to one set of grandparents and the other. From the DC's perspective they're her family. Both sides.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:43

How is a job to send his family the same photos that you're already sending to your family. How many buttons do you have to click to send them to your PILs?

I mean come on. Job my arse!

HeathRobinson · 30/11/2018 13:44

Yes, @Bluelady, I agree. It's so petty and mean spirited of Zooples' dh not to take photos of her and not send photos to his parents.

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 30/11/2018 13:45

But yeah, just stick them all in a "photos of the kids" WhatsApp and invite everyone you want to see them, husband, grandparents on both sides, other family maybe - job done.

Pebblespony · 30/11/2018 13:46

And while you're sending photos, just pop a few Christmas cards in the post. Oh, and do all his Christmas Shopping. He works hard, don't you know. Poor baby.

CryingMessFFS · 30/11/2018 13:46

His parents, his problem

CryingMessFFS · 30/11/2018 13:47

What's ridiculous is that he has access to the photos and won't send them.

^^ Yes to this!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:48

Ask a load of people who know you in RL whether you should send your PILs that you like and get on with photos of your dc while you're sending your own parents some too.

The answer will be very different to the ones you get on MN.

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