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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

186 replies

Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:35

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

OP posts:
Mari50 · 30/11/2018 12:48

If you were having to get another set printed and post them etc fair enough but it’s just another click of a button, I don’t understand why some people are so rigid.
Wouldn’t bother me in the least but....

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 12:48

No I think this is worth digging your heels in. As you said theres no reciprocity. He doesnt do it for your parents, why on earth should you do it for his?

Why would he? The OP sends them Confused

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/11/2018 12:51

Tbh. I don't see the big issue unless it's part of a wider issue.

I don't buy my in laws gifts or anything and Dp definitely does alot chores etc.

But honestly, if I was sending photos to my family I would send them to his family at the same time.

But as I say my Dp, doesn't consider it my job.

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:52

In your OP the issue is about sending photos

Now you say providing updates

Which is it?

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:52

And I do send them sometimes. It's not like I have cut PIL off! I send ones that I think they'll particularly like, but I resent him passing the whole thing onto me. I can also foresee him asking me about it in future, and nagging me about it which I don't want to hear.

I have a good relationship with PIL and his side, they were my only family in the country we lived in for years. It's not about that. It's about whether he should take some responsibility and not fob it off to me. I'm not on maternity leave, I work and she's a 3yo in preschool, not sure if that counts.

Thanks for all your responses so far

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 12:55

Why don't you just send PILs the photos the same time you're sending your parents?

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/11/2018 12:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable, he had the photos so he can forward them.

MaMaMaMySharona · 30/11/2018 12:55

Even if you don't have Android, there's a function on your phone to allow you to share photos with your contacts (it'll be under 'Shared Albums' in your Photos app).

Definitely not your responsibility, these things always seem to fall to the woman Hmm

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:57

workreturner I think of sending photos as updates of what she's been doing lately. So both.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 12:57

It's just petty imo to refuse to send them. You say you get on well with them so why not just send the bloody photos when you're sending your parents some?

nokidshere · 30/11/2018 12:57

Christ, when did we all become so bloody petty. And insular.

Since when did sharing pics of your gorgeous children become such a chore that you are rowing about it? When did we decide that when we become part of a couple our families must be kept apart?

It takes seconds to send a pic and makes someone happy. It's hardly bloody work is it? Do a grandparents whatsapp and it's all done at the same time.

What a joyless lives some people must live.

nokidshere · 30/11/2018 12:58

And don't make it a thing... it's supposed to be spontaneous fun.

Justanewname · 30/11/2018 12:59

You’re wouldn’t be unreasonable at all if you really don’t want to do it. It’s entirely fair for your each to take responsibility for sharing pictures with your own family.

On the other hand though it might be worth considering if it’s an issue you want to bother arguing over.

I have always since my daughter was born sent regular pictures to my in laws. My wife was never going to do it, it’s hard enough getting her to remember to take some pictures now and then. It’s just not something she thinks to do as much as I do.

I feel that this has really helped me develop more of a relationship with my in laws and feel we are much closer as a result. We end up chatting via text about the baby and we use the same group message to make arrangements when they are coming to visit. They feel much more like my family as well as my wife’s now we have a child and this conversation based around sharing pictures has had a real impact on that for me.

So it depends really. Could sharing pictures have a good effect on your relationship with your in laws, or would you rather keep your distance? Would you feel less annoyed about it if your husband put more effort into taking some pictures himself, especially to make sure there are some lovely pictures of you with your child?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/11/2018 13:00

I see exactly where you're coming from. YANBU.

it's the principle of assuming everything falls to you. How hard is it for him to forward the photos you send to him on? Lazy git. And grumpy git by the sounds of it.

Gigglebert · 30/11/2018 13:03

We use 23snaps for this, all family members were invited when DD was born, both kids have photo albums on it. People who are interested look and those who aren't don't. I don't send photos separately to people but I share photos almost every day. It's there for my husband and I primarily.

broughts · 30/11/2018 13:03

Download Lifecake. It’s free and you can upload photos and and just invite whoever you want to see them. It’s great!

Rednaxela · 30/11/2018 13:04

I have a good relationship with PIL and his side, they were my only family in the country we lived in for years.

Nice drip feed!

I was all YANBU until that update. I was assuming that you weren't close to PIL!

So are you going to explain why a single WA group wouldn't resolve this entire situation?!

Or, as I was going to say before the revelation, sit down with DH and his phone, go into Whatsapp and demo the forward button for him?!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 13:04

If he's having a go and nagging about it that's really not on. Apart from anything else it would take him as long to forward them on WhatsApp as it does to ask you - so while you're getting a hard time on this thread about making a petty point of principle etc it's actually him who's going out of his way to insist that this is your job.

ShadowHuntress · 30/11/2018 13:05

My dh’s parents live abroad. I have a WhatsApp group with my family that I send pics of the kids on. He forwards them all to his side as he is on a WhatsApp chat with them. I’m also on a grandparents chat with my parents and his parents where I also post pics of the kids. It takes about 20 secs to forward photos on.

fredleighton · 30/11/2018 13:06

I agree with Nokidshere.

littlecabbage · 30/11/2018 13:11

He should send them to his own parents. He should also sort the cards and presents for his side of the family also.

Original poster
Zooples · 30/11/2018 13:14

I think it's probably about adding it as another thing i have to remember to do. I know it's just another click of a button. My parents can be a handful and PILs are much more sensitive and reserved, so I don't really want all gps on a whatsapp to be honest to save PILs from being wound up. My DP mean well, they're just different types of people. Anyway.

I'm not choosing to argue about it, I was pretty calm and thought what I was saying was pretty reasonable, it's DH that has taken it really badly, which is why I came on here to get some ideas. It's not a big deal, but his reaction was.

Maybe from his side he can see all of this going on and would like it to be the same with his family. But again isn't that his thing to then take on?

I guess I resent him being a bit lazy on that side of things. It's not PILs fault. Or DDs. Their relationship is really great so I don't think it will affect that.

For those that think I'm bu, should I apologise to him then? And say I'll do it if he also starts being a bit more involved?

Can you tell i'm procrastinating doing work late at night..?

OP posts:
nokidshere · 30/11/2018 13:23

I guess I resent him being a bit lazy on that side of things

Then sort out your problems with your dh instead of punishing other family members

fredleighton · 30/11/2018 13:29

I'm firmly of the view that life is tough enough without being unkind to friends and family. It's all about give and take in relationships. If left to my DH there are certain things that would get missed (extended family birthdays etc) but he's great at other things that I'm not good at or don't remember to do. Trying to make everything black and white is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

schnubbins · 30/11/2018 13:29

That is just sad.

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