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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

186 replies

Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:35

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 30/11/2018 13:49

I think he's angry because he's realised he's in the wrong and hasn't got a leg to stand on.

pallisers · 30/11/2018 13:50

it is his responsibility and yanbu if you decide not to send photos.

That said, when mine were little, I emailed/sent photos to his parents because I wanted to - not because dh asked me to. I did it because they loved my children and loved hearing about them/seeing photos. As a result I had a very close relationship with my in laws although we lived on a different continent.

Bloomburger · 30/11/2018 13:50

FFS, being nice kind and working together and doing things for each other, it's what being married is about, no wonder so many marriages fail if people get bees in their bonnets about forwarding on some bloody photos.

He's not asking for you to donate a kidney, just forward some photos. 🙄

Bluelady · 30/11/2018 13:51

Think you're spot on there, Duck.

Pebblespony · 30/11/2018 13:51

Marriages work when both people do this. The OPs husband is doing nothing in this case, so it's not all on the OP.

BertrandRussell · 30/11/2018 13:52

Yes, he should do it. But this isn't really about you-or his- relationship with his parents. It's about your dd's relationship with her grandparents. So I probably would do it on those terms. Set up a Grandparents Whatsapp group and shove the pictures on there.

blackteasplease · 30/11/2018 13:52

His responsibility.

Mind you I end up sending pics to ex PIL now as I feel sorry for them.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 13:53

How is a job to send his family the same photos that you're already sending to your family. How many buttons do you have to click to send them to your PILs?

Exactly the same number of buttons as he would have to press to forward them?

S0PH1A · 30/11/2018 13:54

So sending photos is a really easy job that her husband could do in 2 seconds but he doesn’t. I wonder why ?

Waterdropsdown · 30/11/2018 13:54

I’m with you OP. My DH suggested I arrange Some sort of video call with his parents (I do this at least weekly with my parents but they have iPhones so can FaceTime, his don’t) my answer was no do it yourself. He has never once video called them with the kids.
If they were super duper grandparents I maybe would make more effort but they aren’t. I will very rarely (like 3 times a year) send his mum a photo he does it about that often as well. We live pretty far from both grandparents.

I only think the mum should regularly do this if that dad does also. Why is it a mum job?

Abeautifulpeagreenboat · 30/11/2018 13:55

This seems such a small issue to be bothered about, I wonder if there is more going on. If you're sending photos to your family, its so easy - and kind - to send them to your in laws.

Some people dont like taking photos, Dh didnt when we met, he hardly took any. It's just a personal thing. You love doing it and have the time to send to your parents, so it seems a really quick thing to ping them over to his too. Or just have a shared album so everyone can see them.

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but I was talking to the DH of my best friend (who died recently) earlier about relationships. He was saying how unimportant so many issues actually are, and how with hindsight, they were never worth having a tiff over. I think this is one of those things. If there are bigger issues, then yes they do need addressing.

nokidshere · 30/11/2018 13:56

@Zooples Yes, I definitely need to do that. Can I ask why you think it is me punishing other family members though? If they're being punished, why is it me who's the bad guy? I'm just not seeing it. I'm not trying to be goady, I honestly need this to be explained.

Because the only reason you don't want to do it is a row with your partner. If you like doing it for your parents, and you also like his parents, and it takes seconds to do then carry on doing it whilst you sort out your problems with your partner.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 14:00

I don't know, ask him he why he finds it so hard?

As I said, I do send my PILs photos of DS. If DH started demanding that I do that and getting cross if I didn't, though, when he could send them just as easily then I'd be much less inclined to do it, because it would turn from 'something I do happily and willingly' to 'task that he has designated to me without discussion'. Similarly I picked up a birthday card for his mum the other day because I knew he didn't yet have one and I was in town anyway - but if I hadn't bought one and he'd had a go at me for it I wouldn't ever buy one again.

starbug1 · 30/11/2018 14:00

I think you’re fine as you are. You have a good relationship with them as do your DD, you do send some to them and you send all the ones to DH that you do to your family.
YANBU to find it easier to send to your family, because to be fair, it’s not just pictures it’s all the follow up conversation too. I send my in laws photos but had to come off their family whatsapp group as it was emotionally draining, particularly as my own mother has long passed away. Of course your relationship with them is going to be different from the relationship with your family and you work as well as your husband. He is exceptionally lazy if he cannot forward them on and I think it’s awful he doesn’t take pics of you and your daughter together. Mine isn’t good at keeping in touch with his family or taking pics so I ask him explicitly at the moment when it would be a nice shot and he has got better. If your husband won’t take any responsibility for his family relationships or take pics of his wife and daughter when asked then he is your biggest problem.

Original poster

Zooples · 30/11/2018 14:02

I don't see how the fact that I like them comes into it. I haven't cut them off, they're nice, normal people. I do send them photos! And will continue to do so when I think of it! It's the question of whether DH should relinquish all responsibility for sharing with his DPs and have it rest on me to make sure they've seen a photo of her recently.

OP posts:

starbug1 · 30/11/2018 14:03

And ignore 🦆

Cornishclio · 30/11/2018 14:04

Your DH is lazy and that is the crux of the matter. As someone pointed out it only takes a few seconds but that means he could find some time to do that especially if you both work and have a small child which I bet you end up doing most of the running around for. Also not taking any pictures himself, what is that about? I think there is a principal at stake here and whilst I would not get too hung up about sending the odd picture to PIL I would hesitate to take full responsibility. What is the hassle to him of sending a quick message too to his parents along with a family photo? He just can't be bothered and that says more about him than you being petty.

BackforGood · 30/11/2018 14:05

I don't understand why you would send to one set of grandparents and the other. From the DC's perspective they're her family. Both sides.

this ^

I really can't understand why, as you take lots of snaps, and tend to be there and sending them via WhatsApp, you can't just have a group with you, dh, and PiLs and put them in there too. It really isn't anything to get worked up about. We have a WhatsApp Group for my side of the extended family and one for dh's. If either of us wanted to share a photo of the dc, we'd put it in both. This is easy. It isn't like you are being asked to send off a film, then assess what you get back then sort out the negatives and send off for copies then put those prints in the post for them. It really isn't worth having an argument about. whoever is taking the photos should just stick them in a group (or groups as you prefer) for both sets of Grandparents to see.

DameFanny · 30/11/2018 14:05

I think the fact that your H is angry with you for not doing his bidding is reason enough to stick your heels in here. Is he often this ridiculous?

primoestate · 30/11/2018 14:05

Just set up a WhatsApp group with DH and PIL and send photos only. Simples......

PeachCokeZero · 30/11/2018 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 14:06

DH doesn't take the photos though and that's where the issue lies here. The OP does and sends them to her parents.

ErnestTheBavarian · 30/11/2018 14:07

It's zero effort thought for you to tap on sharing with them at the same time as sharing with dh and your parents. Or like someone else suggested, set up another WhatsApp group - both sets of grandparents plus dh, then it's not even something you need to remember.

I can imagine it's really hard for them, if you used to live in their country, and now they've lost this geographic closeness of bother their son, dil and gc. I would totally make this (zero) extra effort to send on pictures. It's not their fault your dh is lazy. Why on earth would you dig in your heels about sharing the love and joy of your children.

Sorry, dh sounds annoying, but you sound cruel and petty. Hopefully that's not the case.

primoestate · 30/11/2018 14:08

Oh, and pick your battles

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