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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

186 replies

Zooples · 30/11/2018 12:35

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

OP posts:
sola82 · 30/11/2018 14:08

I do not get these men who think everything to with the ILs is their wife's job. Buying presents, sending pictures etc. If you are very close to them maybe but not for a normal IL relationship. I get on fine with my ILs but DH buys their presents and sends them pictures of the DC, and I do the same with my family.
OP I would dig my heels in or this will become an expected thing for you to do and probably taken for granted. Sending an occasional picture, fine, being expected to send regular pictures, definitely not. Why is your DH being so lazy? Does he see it as your responsibility?

HeathRobinson · 30/11/2018 14:09

The issue here is that the dh is lazy and thinks it's a wife job.

3timeslucky · 30/11/2018 14:10

In our house my dh is the photographer. He uploads billions of photos and sends the link to his parents and to me. I send it to a variety of relatives. Occasionally I'll have a good photo on my phone or a photo of dh with the kids and I'll send that to his and my families.

I'm finding it hard to see this as a big deal since it is only a matter of adding an extra email address or a name to include his family. I can only assume that if it is a big deal to you there are other bigger issues at play. This on its own makes no sense to me - if all other areas of domestic/emotional labour are shared out reasonably evenly.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 14:10

DH doesn't take the photos though and that's where the issue lies here.

No but he receives them from OP, via WhatsApp. Did you not read the OP? At that point it is exactly equal effort for either of them to forward them onto his parents.

masterandmargarita · 30/11/2018 14:11

It's not zero effort in the least to take photos and send them on. Surek5y if it was then lazy arse dh can do it. I wouldn't and don't - it's part of wife work and mental load etc. Just no.

carringtonm · 30/11/2018 14:13

I just made a WhatsApp group called 'Baby's Name' and added anyone who likes to see the photos to it - baby's dad, grandparents, aunties and uncles, even some family friends who ask for photos. We all add photos of my son to it, mainly me because I'm with him the most, but his dad occasionally will, and when he's with family or friends, the odd photo will pop up on the group. Most people just look and don't reply, but that's fine. They just like to see the photos.

68Anon · 30/11/2018 14:15

I don't understand 'his family' and 'my family'. When you married didn't his family become your family and your family become his family?

What is so difficult about sending some photos to his parents? If it makes your husband happy then why wouldn't you want to do it?

Seems such a trivial thing to be concerned about.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 30/11/2018 14:17

To all those pointing out how oh so easy it would be for OP to suck it up and just send pictures to his parents- what part of the fact that it is EQUALLY easy for HIM to send pictures to HIS family is hard to grasp? Why on earth should the responsibility fall to her?

And while you're sending photos, just pop a few Christmas cards in the post. Oh, and do all his Christmas Shopping. He works hard, don't you know. Poor baby.

Totally this.

wineandroses1 · 30/11/2018 14:18

To all those people saying Op is 'petty' and 'spiteful', of course she isn't. DH has the photos as she sent them to him. He can't be arsed to press the button to forward to his parents but expects her to. And I think the reason he doesn't want to do it is because he knows that sending out those photos will result in responses, and enquiries and requests for more info etc. So no, it isn't just pressing a button, it's dealing with everything else that comes back from his family. He should do this and not expect his DW to do it for him. Lazy git.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 14:18

Yes I read the OP. I still think that while the OP is sending the photos she's taken to her parents it would be a nice, kind gesture to send them to her PILs that live out of the country.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 14:18

What is so difficult about sending some photos to his parents? If it makes your husband happy then why wouldn't you want to do it?

Again, if it's so easy and so important, why doesn't he send them to his parents or even - god forbid - to OP's family?

Wheresmrlion · 30/11/2018 14:18

I think it’s his attitude that would piss me off. The assumption that somehow you have time to do it but he doesn’t.

In our household I send photos/videos to my Mum and his Mum because it’s no bother to add her email address to something I’m sending anyway. There is no assumption that I’d do it, his Mum adores dc and I like her so it’s nice to keep her in the loop.

My husband does all his family presents and regularly FaceTimes his parents so they see dc regularly (they live 5 hours away). If those things started to fall to me then I would feel the same as you, the balance would have shifted and I wouldn’t like it at all.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 30/11/2018 14:19

What is so difficult about sending some photos to his parents? If it makes your husband happy then why wouldn't you want to do it?

Apply his logic to 100 tasks and congratulations, you can spend your life doing all the crap your adult husband doesn’t want to do for himself.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 14:22

If he demands it it isn't a nice, kind gesture though is it? It's an obligation. DH bringing me a cup of tea in the morning is a nice kind gesture. Me having a go at him for not doing it would not be reasonable, however.

Btw, I think you might be the poster who told me to leave my three month old to cry in his cot so I could make my DH dinner. If so - he's five months now, he sleeps not on me, and DH made dinner last night. So I think we might have quite different ideas of wifely expectations.

Rainatnight · 30/11/2018 14:31

When I read this the first time, I thought 'wife work'.

But then I thought about what we do which is that I just ping photos to my in laws cos it's nice, it brightens their day no end, and I do have more opportunity than DP because I'm around DD more.

My DB and SIL have a good system where they upload everything to an iPhoto folder, and they signed up any relative who wanted to see their new DD. Then it's just a family thing. Which is pretty much the same as he wider Whatsapp group idea suggested above.

BUT...
Is there a wider issue with your DP or PILs, that could be affecting things?

Onatreebyariver · 30/11/2018 14:32

YANBU
His family, his job. Otherwise it just becomes wifework.

As you say, he’s unlikely to start sending photos to your parents is he.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 14:35

Lisa if I was sending my family photos of the dc I wouldn't think twice about sending the PILs some too. Especially if they didn't see them very often because they lived abroad so it wouldn't be an issue with DH demanding I send them and not him because they would have been sent anyway. I wouldn't see it as "my family and his family" just the DC's grandparents.

I wouldn't have wanted them to miss out.

aidelmaidel · 30/11/2018 14:40

My rule is "your parents, your problem." I could put the work into facilitating his relationships with his family, or I could NOT. It's his job to remember to call them, to tell them where DD's present wish list is, to send the photos, to remember birthdays. Because they're his family.

Roystonv · 30/11/2018 14:42

They are not your parents but both sets of grandparents are the same as far as your child is concerned. Yes, in an ideal world you would not have to do wife work but why make Dh's parents suffer because of his laziness. Do a nice thing.

BertrandRussell · 30/11/2018 14:43

"My rule is "your parents, your problem."

Not "My child, her grandparents"?

PurdysChocolate · 30/11/2018 14:44

YANBU.

I'm baffled at some of these replies. Your DH could forward photos to his parents but can't be bothered, however OP is petty if she doesn't do it and her DH has a right to have a go at her about not maintaining the relationship with his parents. Yeah OK.

My side of the family live abroad, I send photos through our regular Facebook chats. I do not have the same active online interaction with PIL so I don't send them anything. I would be massively unimpressed if DH had a go about it, but of course he never has because they're his parents!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 14:45

These types threads always make me realise how lucky I am to have my DIL. She's an absolute gem. She treats me exactly as she does her own mum and I will always be thankful DS met such an amazing woman.

She bought me and her mum a cup recently with " gorgeous granny " on it just because. She didn't have to do that but she always treats me kindly.

happychange · 30/11/2018 14:46

Yanbu

My husband never really sends photos to his parents either. Occasionally I will send some to his mum.

Sometimes when there's a picture on my phone which he wants to send to his mum, he would ask me to send it to him so he can forward it on to her.

If he had a go at me for not sending pictures to his mum I would definitely not be impressed Hmm

sauvignonblancplz · 30/11/2018 14:48

Oh my word, wise up. If you’re sending pics to your family why aren’t you sending them to you inlaws esp if you know they would like to see them.
If your husband was sending pics to his family and not yours you can definitely have a conversation but if he isn’t really a photo taker or sender it’s maybe not on his radar.
You’re doing it anyway, it’s just a really silly non thing to get annoyed about. So yeah YABU

fuzzywuzzy · 30/11/2018 14:49

I wouldn’t do it.

Like you, I send IL’s occasional pictures of dc that I think they’ll like.
DP sends updates and regular photos.

I think that’s fair, you’re doing more than your H did when you lived in his country. He didn’t send pictures or your family even tho he took most of the pictures and was a SAHP for a while so had more opportunity.

I’d forget or if he starts nagging tell him to spend the time forwarding pictures to his own family instead of wasting time arguing with you.

I’d refuse on principle. It’s not your job and is just an additional mental load.

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