to not want to be responsible for sharing photos of DD with PIL.. or is this my wifely duty now?

[Zooples]

I take most of the photos in our family (on my phone, happy snaps so we have something to remember, I am NOT a photographer in any sense of the word) so I hold the main album of pictures of our daughter. DH doesn't think to take them, so it's basicaly an album of him and dd (oh and some me/dd selfies), which I have raised with him but he 'forgets' to reciprocate.. urgh.

Anyway that's not my aibu. I regularly send photos of dd to my family (parents and db) who live close by. His family live abroad (where we used to live, and we moved to my home town recenty). I get on fine with his side, but I see it as his responsibility to keep up communication with them rather than it becoming my 'wifely' duty.

He asked me again today to send a bunch that I'd sent to him and my family (on a group whatsapp with my parents, brother and dh), and while I did do it, I later said to him that I don't think it's my role to do that and he should just send them on. He used the excuse that he doesn't have as many photos to send, to which I said he has all of the ones I share with my side. He's gotten in a huff and seems to think it's not a big deal, but I think it's just another thing I will have to do forever more and I fundamentally just don't think its my job.

He NEVER sent pictures to my side of the family when we lived in his country, even when he's looked after her as primary parent for a while. So it clearly doesn't go both ways. Why should this now be my responsibility?

AIBU to dig my heels in here, or should I just get over it and become the household comms director?

We have an iPhone shared album for my nephews and niece, where anyone who shares the album can add photos to it and everyone sees them. On it are 2 sets of grandparents, the parents and 3 sets of aunties and uncles.

Much easier than faffing around with sending them to 1 person then another.

grow up OP , whether you like it or not you are now all part of a 'family' would it really cause you a problem to send the pics to them
I would love to be a fly on your wall in a few years time if you becaome a mother in law ( and that goes for all the other posters who have issues with in laws ) Your chldren will have learnt from you how to treat parents and in laws

it’s maybe not on his radar.

It seems to be on his radar sufficiently to complain to OP about it. How many things not on his radar does his wife have to do for him?

This is the problem- generalizing massively, but it does seem to hold mostly true- women are much better at keeping in touch with their families, remembering birthdays and buying presents than men are. Should men not be responsible for maintaining their family relationships or should little wifey do it because it’s boring and her husband can’t ever really be arsed. How about all the cooking and cleaning too?

He is unreasonable as he has got annoyed about OP not doing something that he can just as easily have done himself. Sometimes you have to have principles and draw the line somewhere otherwise you find yourself the house skivvy.

Everyone saying DH is lazy but don't see that OP is petty. Speechless.

It's not wifework because the OP is already sending (and happy to send) the photos.

If A, B and C want photos the most sensible, and least time consuming solution over all is for the person sending the photos to send them to everyone that wants them. Sending them just to A and B and expecting B to send them on to C to make some point is nonsensical.

Why not just send them to the in laws as well? It's not difficult. I do this for my partner as he would never do it as it's not something be thinks about doing. If I didn't do it they wouldn't get them, tbh though I've never even thought about it just done it.

dinosaurglitterrepublic*

At no stage has she said he was annoyed, she said his mum had mentioned she would like pics would she send them on.

OP clearly knows grandparents etc like pics , if she’s doing it anyway just send them on.
It’s a nice, simple thing to do. Why make it an issue?!?

If your DH cares about his parents getting pictures he should take some and send them. If his dps want more pictures they should ask him for them. Having a penis is no excuse for not bothering. If he thinks it’s not worth spending his time on then it’s also not worth spending your time on.
All of these little jobs being dumped on women take up brain bandwidth, time and energy which should be shared equally.

The husband's the one who has made it an issue. If he'd just forwarded them to his own parents when OP sent them to him, there would be no issue!

OP isn’t petty, this is a slippery slope. It’s why women end up doing all the household admin and men get to waft along. Definitely push back against this.

I think YABU. If you're sending via WhatsApp just tick his mum too along with him and your folks. It's not hard, that's what I do! Though I am in the same position as you in that hubby rarely takes pics of me and DS unless I ask him too 🙄

Yanbu. This is similar to our set up. I send photos to my family on a whatsapp group that includes dp. He then has the pictures and chooses whether to send them on to a whatsapp group for his family. I'm on the group but don't see it as my responsibility. I will occasionally send one but it's pretty rare. Dp knows it's up to him.

At no stage has she said he was annoyed

He's gotten in a huff = annoyed no?

YANBU. I send them to my mum and DP is in charge of his side.

I don't understand why the OP sometimes chooses to send them to PILs and sometimes not. If it was "wifework" that she was so opposed to surely she'd never send them.

Eugh, more babyfying of grown men. If it’s not hard and only takes 2 seconds, why the fuck can’t he do it himself? A lot of men seem to think wife = skivvy, and a lot of women enable that view.

The only time I would be on his side, is if he often does similar things for you OP, such as picking up cards or gifts for your family, keeping in touch with your mum and dad off his own back etc.

Yanbu he had the photos on his phone to send, they're his family, it's really not much effort on his part to send them rather than adding yet another thing to your (probably huge) mental load.

"Surely if you send pics you are often expected to respond to the flattering responses so it's more than just a pic." This too

Those saying the op is bu making such a big deal of it - yet the dh is getting in a proper strop about it when he has the photos and it's just as easy for him to send and to communicate with his family about it but you don't think HE is unreasonable? Come off it!!

And OP'S update at 1314 explains why everyone in whatsapp group not a good idea.

The tech wasn't available when I had dd but if I had her now there's certain photos I'd have been happy sharing with her dads parents that I wouldn't with mine. Also my parents take easy offence at the most ridiculous things so I can see that perspective.

"He's in a huff because he knows he's in the wrong and hasn't got an explanation." Nail on head!

All the "little jobs" that "take no time at all" DO take time and the more those jobs pile up the more time they take. Again to those saying its "no bother" well then it's EQUALLY "no bother" for dh to do it!

"I'm baffled at some of these replies." I'm not considering some of them are coming from posters who I recognise as not thinking in laws & dh's can ever be wrong, that women should take up all the slack and be grateful for the privilege!

"At no stage has she said he was annoyed"

Ahem

He's gotten in a huff in op
he's had a real go at me about it now and is angry totally out of order
I can also foresee him asking me about it in future, and nagging me about it
it's DH that has taken it really badly*

He's being an arse and a lazy one at that! Again if it's so bloody easy and convenient for op to do its JUST as easy and convenient for the dh to do!

Oh my word what an epistle... but she’s already doing it anyway .... think that’s my point .

My kids are still teens so it's not that long ago but be grateful for the technology you have! Christ I used to take them all the way to the local photo shop to get copies printed for the inlaws. Never even crossed my mind that it should have been DHs job, sorry but you're being petty, it's a touch of a button not an hours round trip with a double buggy.

@GreatDuckCookery

I don’t understand this either & more to the point it’s really unfair that unless there are other issues with the inlaws that you haven’t shared , that your family has greater share on lovely things like pictures than your inlaws. They are as much their grandparents as your own parents are.
I would never share a lovely pic of my kids with my family and not send it on (at the same time) to my inlaws. It’s just seems unfair.

If I’m putting photos on FB then I tag the ILs, but I don’t privately send photos on messenger to MIL - heck, I don’t do the “daily messaging of PFB photos” since DS1 was tiny. I send the odd bath/funny photo of the ratbags to my DM, but it’s never occurred to me to message MIL - I’ve also stopped nagging DH so hard about his family’s Bdays/mother’s day/Xmas because it was driving me mad.

Yes, women should be kind and thoughtful and continue to take on an unequal load in nurturing family connections because its so petty not to and so it goes on. Well I think it is petty that dil’s are expected to do so many things that no one ever puts at the door of son in laws.

[I hope she never needs it, but I have an evil plot to put my dh down as the primary contact if my dm ever needs home care - my jaw dropped to find mil has put me down - which dh thought was unreasonable as I am ‘more available’ (we both work full time, he is office based and can wfh whenever he wants and is only occasionally away, I work in healthcare and am fully booked with appointments every day, both same distance to his dm).

Yes, women should be kind and thoughtful and continue to take on an unequal load in nurturing family connections because its so petty not to hmm and so it goes on

If you sometimes choose to send PILs photos why not do it always if you're sending them to your parents anyway? This isn't about being the "little hard done to wife" it's about being fair to your child's grandparents.

@EvaHarknessRose

I 100% understand what everyone is saying, but it’s not that op is being asked to do anything she’s not already doing.

Basically husband is saying when you’re sending pics to your mum forward them on to my mum too she’d love to see them as the other grandparent. The op is already taking the pics & sending them .

There’s clearly something much deeper and complex going on.

What is he like with other things in this vein? I mean, does he buy all his family's presents and cards etc normally?