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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 30/11/2018 12:56

It would have been fine for you to make that decision about your own baby.

However, it wasn't your baby. You were trusted to care for the baby and you failed. I'd have been the same as your daughter.

Big mistake.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 30/11/2018 12:57

Now, as the mother of a sensible 11 year old, I don't think YABU at all. I can completely see why your DD over reacted though, because when DS was tiny DSS was 11, and I would not have left them alone together. I think most new Mums are a bit over protective. Hopefully she will come round.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 12:58

Why do you feel the need to be so rude

I wasn't Intending to be rude?

I was puzzled that the 11yo who cannot walk to the kitchen was ok to supervise a young baby. Yes I know the baby is immobile, but what if they were sick and needed lifted? If the 11yo is struggling to be mobile I wouldn't want her standing and lifting a baby.

FWIW I don't think OP was wrong to go at all, just the reasoning confused me a bit.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 12:58

There was a whole thread recently on what you could use as a make-shift nappy.
Towels, tea-towels, sanitary towels, amongst other things.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 30/11/2018 13:00

YNBU, I would have done the same. Your daughter will come round, she’s probably just feeling at the end of her tether right now.

sunshineonrainyhay · 30/11/2018 13:01

Give her a few days to calm down. It was fine it was prob just a shock.

I'm sure she'll be ok once she needs your help again!

If you've tried calling or texting etc I'd just leave it now and not mention it again.

Hormones probably Confused

Steamedbadger · 30/11/2018 13:04

I would have done what you did OP. Your DD sounds like she doesn't appreciate what you are doing for her, but she must be having a hard time herself at the moment.

PrivateDoor · 30/11/2018 13:05

I just realised I mentioned the baby would soon go back to sleep- but of course that is irrelevant anyway as you were planning on waking her to change her nappy. Which makes it even stranger to me that you decided to leave her behind.

I think some of the responses on here are indicative of how paranoid midwives and health visitors make new parents feel This actually makes perfect sense to me, as I am a midwife and a health visitor Grin

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/11/2018 13:06

In your position, I’d have done the same

HOWEVER, if I was your daughter I’d probably have reacted in the same way as she did, for all the same reasons.

You sound like a great family, rather than phone, can you go round to hers with a wee bunch of flowers, give her a mum hug, which she still needs despite being a mum herself, and tell her you understand?

SlothMama · 30/11/2018 13:06

YANBU
If the shop was nearby I can’t see the issue, she should have supplied nappies

Jaxtellerswife · 30/11/2018 13:09

I popped to the shop on my street once a couple of years ago and my partner had our son at home. When I was in the shop a guy that apparently was a regular shoplifter tried his luck and they put the whole shop on lockdown until the police came. So we were trapped for almost an hour (probably illegal but police were coming anyway).
Since then I'm aware that the most random things can happen when you're out and I personally wouldn't take that chance. And to be honest if my partners mum left mine for a minute with a child and didn't call me to check at least, I would probably be very angry.

MartaHallard · 30/11/2018 13:09

You were trusted to care for the baby and you failed.

Failed in what way? Nothing happened to the baby. The only failure was the dd's, in not leaving any nappies. But that was a simple oversight, barely worth mentioning, and easily rectified.

As for not leaving an eleven year old for five minutes, as a pp said - 11yos take themselves to and from school by public transport. Some of them let themselves into their houses and are alone there until their parents get home.

And I don't think the op should promise not to do it again, because she can't know what circumstances might arise when it might be the best and safest thing to do.

Jaxtellerswife · 30/11/2018 13:10

"Maybe she's too young to be a mum"
Yeah ok, pop her child back in for a few years then Hmm

Stompythedinosaur · 30/11/2018 13:11

I think you were neglectful to have left her, 11 is far too young to have sole charge of a newborn. I would have been very unhappy if it was my baby too.

Doje · 30/11/2018 13:18

You needed a nappy to change her bum, so you were planning on waking her to change her nappy, so why not just wake her up and take her?

Or, if you were going to let her sleep and then change her bum, why not just wait to go to the shops.

I'm not sure where I stand on whether what you did was unreasonable, but it was unnecessary.

Original poster
user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 13:18

I don't understand how my DD's age is relevant to this. I don't see why people are bringing it up...

OP posts:
nokidshere · 30/11/2018 13:19

You need to apologise to your daughter and assure her you will ask permission in future. Anything else will just fuel the flames and she is tired and unreasonable about her pfb as many other parents are. Don't spoil your lovely relationship by allowing this to become a fight of who is right or wrong.

I would never leave a tiny baby with an 11yr old myself although I accept that I have my own reasons for this and others wouldn't find it an issue.

However, I would never give a child of 11 the responsibility for a baby that young.

gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side

You should have just said "stay where you are and listen out, if she cries just stroke her, but I'll only be a few minutes" because if the unthinkable had happened, and even if we never think it will happen to us statistics show that it does, that poor child would never forgive herself.

brizzledrizzle · 30/11/2018 13:20

She the argued she still would have preferred that to me leaving baby.

And she expected you to know that how?

She forgot to provide nappies, you did the only thing that you could do. If she doesn`t like it then she needs to look after her baby herself.

Toomuchworking · 30/11/2018 13:20

Unfortunately she's being ridiculous. You had a phone and the baby can't move. What's the absolute worse that could happen, the baby wake up and cry for a couple of minutes while her auntie adoringly strokes her face and songs her a song?? I'm sure if the baby was sick or anything your daughter would have the sense to walk the couple of steps to her to pick her up, call you and wait a few minutes for you to return. Maybe you should kindly and gently ask what the worst that could possibly happen be, bearing in mind you have a phone and an 11 year old can call 999 just as well as you can (clearly wouldn't be necessary).

Georgiaposy · 30/11/2018 13:22

Tbh does it matter if we think ywnbu?

Your dd clearly thinks ywbu and she is unlikely to change her mind on that. For the sake of your relationship with her and dgc I would tell her that you made a mistake and it won't happen again.

Definitely don't tell her she's bu, that'd be a red flag to a bull no doubt!

MakeAHouseAHome · 30/11/2018 13:23

Your daughter needs to be a heck of alot more grateful thag you are helping her out...

YWNBU

Outnotdown · 30/11/2018 13:24

In my opinion, yanbu. However, when I had my pfb, I was extremely anxious about minding my baby "properly". I didn't like my husband even bringing him out to lie on a blanket in the garden, while my husband sat beside him, in case a wandering bee happened to sting him. I was -crazy- way over the top. But there's no way I would have been able to recognize that at the time, I just could not see that the hormones we're making me nuts.

So, while your daughter is over reacting, go easy on her. You sound like a lovely mam so I'm sure this situation will resolve itself soon. Good luck, newborns cause a lot of upheaval Flowers

tenbob · 30/11/2018 13:24

You've done nothing wrong but a young mum with raging hormones isn't going to see the rational side of it

moreofaslummythanyummy · 30/11/2018 13:26

Honestly my 11 yo would have been fine looking after a baby in those circumstances.
I think you were just the punching bag like parents ofen are for our children. Think about it , Lack of sleep , hormones , feeling unable to relate and socialise with her friends like she was probably looking forward to. She will come round OP we tend to take thing out on those closest to us .

BulletWithABun · 30/11/2018 13:26

I think she has totaly overreacted. She's maybe feeling that herself now. You did fine OP.

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