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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 30/11/2018 12:17

If the shop was definitely 5 mins there and back with no risks on the way (eg crossing a busy road where you might have had an accident) then I would have thought it ok to leave the baby asleep with your 11yo DD, especially if she's quite mature for her age.

I wouldn't have sent the 11yo because OP clearly says her DD was off school with a twisted ankle.

ErickBroch · 30/11/2018 12:17

YANBU. Hope she gets over it soon

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/11/2018 12:18

I think what you did was fine but she is 8 weeks PP. Stressed and feeling on the edge of her friendship circle.
I would go round with some chocolates and have a hug, apologise and reasure her that whilst baby was in no danger, you respect her feelings and won't do it again. 21 and a single parent must be very isolating.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 12:18

i would have taken the baby with me.

RiverTam · 30/11/2018 12:19

the 11yo has a twisted ankle, it's in the OP for the hard of reading

Sounds to me that DD1 is happy to use Granny but wants to dictate terms. Doesn't work like that, sunshine, especially if you fail to pack everything that's needed.

However. Sounds like she was feeling a bit shit so hopefully will all blow over soon. But you didn't do anything wrong.

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:19

She’ll be back.
She’ll want your help and childcare

As for leaving the baby, it depends on the 11 year old. I’d feel absolutely fine leaving with my two for 5 mins or so.

AnotherEmma · 30/11/2018 12:19

Tbh your DD1 sounds immature, 21 is young to have a baby and she's a single parent too which can't be easy. By overreacting like this with you she is kind of cutting off her nose to spite her face. I bet she'll come running back when she wants more babysitting help!

GaspingGekko · 30/11/2018 12:19

I presume the people saying you took a risk with the baby have never popped to the toilet for five minutes when they've been looking after a sleeping baby? Because honestly it's no worse than that.

hmmmcars · 30/11/2018 12:19

I'm surprised she is happy to leave baby sob long at that age anyway. I think she will be back when she needs more childcare. Dont worry OP.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 12:20

DD2 can't walk from the living room to the kitchen at this point.

But you felt she was able to supervise a tiny baby Hmm

FFS

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:21

THe baby is 8 weeks and you’ve been having her a couple of nights a week

For me, that’s set off alarm bells in terms of how your daughter is coping

BiscuitDrama · 30/11/2018 12:21

But all she needed to do was put her hand on it if it woke up. We’re talking about a couple of minutes.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 12:21

being out the house IS different from being in it actually!

AnotherEmma · 30/11/2018 12:22

Twisted ankle or not she was perfectly capable of supervising a SLEEPING baby for FIVE MINUTES.

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:22

@empmalswa

DD2 can't walk from the living room to the kitchen at this point.

But you felt she was able to supervise a tiny baby hmm

FFS

The baby is utterly immobile.

Fattymcfaterson · 30/11/2018 12:22

*DD2 can't walk from the living room to the kitchen at this point.

But you felt she was able to supervise a tiny baby hmm

FFS*

Was the 8 week old at risk of doing a runner?? 🤔

FFS

QwertyLou · 30/11/2018 12:24

I would have been fine with it myself, the way you’ve described it.

I would leave my 8-week old son sleeping in his cot for five minutes while I hung out the washing or had a shower.

Your daughter forgot to leave nappies (understandable given she is sleep deprived) and you didn’t want baby sitting in a dirty nappy!

So don’t doubt yourself but also don’t judge your daughter for overreacting, she’s tired and still going through that post birth thing.

You sound like an amazing Nana! Having baby a few nights a week? That’s amazing and i’m sure your daughter appreciates you a lot Smile

abbsisspartacus · 30/11/2018 12:24

Sleeping babies don't need much care really because they are fucking asleep! I don't know about anyone else's baby but sleeping is something my babies could do not often enough and never at the right time but they managed it in the end

cadburyegg · 30/11/2018 12:24

YANBU. You were going to the shop to get nappies which your DD has forgotten to provide. She is BU.

LovesLaboursLost · 30/11/2018 12:25

It was fine. What you did was fine. Your DD is emotional from being 8 weeks post-part I’m, upset she didn’t feel right with her friends and probably feeling guilty she forgot nappies. Nothing is going to happen to an eight week old baby while you take five minutes to go to the shop.

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 12:26

YANBU. If DD1 isn't happy with your judgement then she can find someone else to take her baby 2 nights a week for free. Maybe it's her own guilt about leaving the baby talking, but she has no right to make you or her sister feel bad.

toastymarshmallowss · 30/11/2018 12:27

I think what you did was fine. I would have done the same under the circumstances I think.

Original poster
user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:27

WorkReturner DD1 is struggling. Very lonely and no support outside of me and her father. She has spoken to her GP about it and she may have PND. When baby stays at ours DD1 is usually here as well but she will sleep and me and DH do nightfeedigns etc. We've only had just the baby and no DD twice. We are trying to help her as much as we can.

OP posts:
Louiselouie0890 · 30/11/2018 12:27

I dont think it's the same as going for a shower. Your in the same building you can step out and sort out an emergency. Where's 5 minutes away is a long time if babies choking etc. I wouldn't be happy either.

coffeekittens · 30/11/2018 12:27

What you did was fine, no different to mum on her own taking a shower etc and leaving the baby. Your DD1 was probably feeling tired, emotional and a bit sad especially after leaving the lunch early and took it out on you. She’ll be back when she needs more childcare, or you could reach out to her and pop round. It’s extremely hard being a young single mum and you sound like a fantastic mum to your DD and amazing grandmother Flowers