To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

[user1494844391]

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

I think the same as Workreturner, OP you have the baby a few nights a week. I’d be concerned about the daughter’s ability to cope.
Also what does your dd think you do all night, sit watching the baby? Surely she realises no one is supervising baby at night.

Is DD1 getting any support from the HV team (there are groups for young parents in my area) and/or Home Start? I'm just thinking she might find it helpful to meet other young parents and get additional support from sources other than you. She might feel less lonely and also appreciate you a bit more if she realises that there are other young or single parents who get a lot less help from grandparents.

I would have done the same.

DD is probably knackered, hormonal and realising her life is now a million miles away from her friends. Plus she's on her own. I would say she probably over reacted a bit but understandably.

Don't feel too bad.

How can anyone judge a single 21 year old mother having a few hours out with friends after 8 weeks, or any mother for that matter? Yes, she should have brought nappies but let the mum who remembers everything all the time cast the first stone.
Try not to take it to heart OP but try not to add to you daughter’s angst with anything but an apology. 11 year olds can be mature but they still shouldn’t be trusted with a baby, she may have taken the chance for a cuddle and dropped her, especially with her poorly ankle. What would she have done if you hadn’t come back? What if someone came to the door?
You could have waited until she woke, you would have been waking her to change her anyway.

I think it's fine tbh. But I'd apologise sincerely and promise it will never happen again - its her baby and better to keep the peace as she will always view that u were in the wrong

OP, you did nothing wrong. We have all left babies asleep for that long while we have a bath, for goodness’ sake, and without a sensible 11 year old keeping watch either!
And you could hardly leave the poor baby to get nappy rash in a soiled nappy all day. DD forgot to leave any nappies, so this dilemma was of her own making.
I agree with the PPs who feel your DD is tired, stressed and hormonal and simply taking it out on you.
Least said, soonest mended. She will think better of it when she’s had time to simmer down and reflect.
Let her come to you- as she certainly will when she inevitably needs help, advice or babysitting!

I remember being a bit crazy about dc1. I now look back and laugh at myself

YANBU. Obviously depends on the 11 year old, but you would know if they were capable or not, I've been in the toilet longer.

I don't think I would have left them, probably would have made a makeshift nappy somehow and taken them both to the shop. But then I am extremely risk averse. If you were being sensible about it, as you were, then of course you realise that the risks are so so small - in fact probably less likely for something to go wrong with the baby sleeping at home than actually taking them with you!

You should definitely have taken the baby with you. Then when you were hit by a car/abducted by aliens/gunned down with the Mafia you would be secure In the knowledge that the baby was with you and wasn't left in her cot with her aunt watching her at risk of the "anything" which can happen in such circumstances.

Of course you did the right thing. Your dd will calm down soon.

OP - well, I'd just put it down to hormones and emotions and so on, and move on.

Your dd is an ungrateful little madam. Maybe she's too young to be a mum.

If it was really 5 mins I don't think there's an issue u say the 11 year old is sensible it's not like u disappeared for 15/30 mins. However I come from grandparents who leave the kids in bed to walk the dog or pop to the shop (round the corner) 🤷🏻‍♀️ bad things can happen anytime

Your dd is an ungrateful little madam. Maybe she's too young to be a mum.

Just shove the baby back in her womb shall we???

I think you made a risk assessment.
If your DD had made the same risk assessment she (clearly) would have come up with a different result.
I probably would have too, to be fair, but it was still your decision to make after assessing all the factors, which you did. You know the 11 yo, you know the area, you know how busy the shop is likely to be etc, etc.

I think DD obviously struggling. The two of you might want to have a chat and you'll probably have to promise never to leave the baby alone again. But she's also going to have to realise that when you hand a baby over, you're also handing over control to a certain extent.

We've all been there, mind you

@empmalswa
Why do you feel the need to be so rude

YANBU, of course you can leave sleeping baby with an 11 year for a short time. I DD1 does trust your judgement she needs find another baby sitter she needs to apologise and stop being so self entitled. Fgs some total over reactions on here.

my dd is 11.
I would trust her with a sleeping newborn if I was on foot to our corner shop 2 minutes away. Even if baby woke up, worst case is she cries for a couple of minutes with your dd there next to her reassuring her.

But I have 3 kids, all of whom are older, and dd is youngest. When dc1 was a baby I would not have done it in a million years.

What I think you are seeing is the difference between you OP as mum of older kids, lots of experience and a bit of objectivity, and your dd, who is first time mum and brand new to the role.

You could have done option 3 - ring up daughter at the bar and request she come home to buy the nappies. You didn't do anything wrong however your daughter needs to be supported which includes everything being perfect at the moment.

You sound like a lovely supportive mum. YANBU, of course the baby was fine. I think that your DH is right, DD1 is tired, hormonal and emotional.

I think YANBU at all and I’m more surprised you’re having a newborn so often. I realise she’s your granddaughter, but it’s very often even for her to be handing the baby over so often. It’s clear she’s struggling, but she should hopefully gain perspective if left alone for a bit. At 11 I was looking after nieces and nephews including newborns, cooking for myself, getting trains and generally very capable. The idea that an 11 year old can’t keep an eye on a sleeping newborn for 5 mins is preposterous. I think your DD1 is having some of her own doubts about her capabilities and maybe lashed out and criticised you instead? She’s dead wrong for it, and although I realise that when you leave a baby in someone’s care obviously you expect certain standards to be upheld - but, ultimately, she’s asking an awful lot from you quite regularly. If she wants total control then she needs to take it for herself. Not leaving you with nappies is a classic mistake, we’ve all been there, but a mistake nonetheless. Hers. Not yours.

OP just wanted to add that I was a single mother of a newborn and my parents were my only support.

I was grumpy and ungrateful to them much of the time (i’m ashamed to say)! But looking back i’m filled with love and gratitude, and I tell them so often. Don’t worry 🌸

I don't think that what you did was that bad, if you were really only gone 5 minutes?

I've got a 10 year old, they're pretty sensible especially when given a bit of responsibility.

Personally I probably wouldn't have done this, but I'm a worse case scenario kind of person.

I think your dd will be back when she wants your help.

She’ll be back.
She’ll want your help and childcare

I wouldn't be too quick to offer her so much help, she sounds like a hysterical ingrate, if she is so keen let her forego her social life and devote herself to this child.

"The two of you might want to have a chat and you'll probably have to promise never to leave the baby alone again."

The baby wasn't alone. Baby was fast asleep with sensible 11yo aunt keeping an eye on her.