To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

[user1494844391]

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

Do not beat yourself up over this one. You could have been upstairs in the bathroom for 5 minutes, so are people saying you cannot leave a sleeping baby whilst you pop to the loo? As others have said your eldest daughter was out of sorts and felt she could no longer relate to her friends. She was taking her upset out on you as you are closest to her. It sounds like your are a great grandmother and a huge support , I hope your daughter realises this.

I think steppemum is spot on.

Definitely not unreasonable, I'd have done the same.

I don't think I would have left them, probably would have made a makeshift nappy somehow

Maybe just get MacGyver to babysit and then he can magic up nappies and formula from one stick of chewing gum and a hair pin.

I think this is new mum tiredness talking combined with feeling out of place with her friends now that life has changed for her, check in if she is coping and be there as a listening ear when she is ready. She will be back.

"Maybe just get MacGyver to babysit and then he can magic up nappies and formula from one stick of chewing gum and a hair pin."

The imagined risks that people think are going to befall young babies I have only ever encountered on mn. Taking a risk leaving a baby with an eleven year old for five minutes? A sleeping baby at that? What exactly do people think was going to happen to the baby? Seriously?

As for the people saying that being in the shower is different because the OP would have been in the house, how do you hear this baby choking to death over the running water? Oh wait, best not leave a small baby ever for any minute of the day not even to sleep in case something unimaginable happens to it. Fgs get a grip people. It wasn’t that long ago that people had bigger families and much younger children than the OP’s eleven year old were left to babysit the baby for far longer periods of time than it takes to walk to the corner shop.

Clearly the OP’s dd isn’t coping, but perhaps a few weeks of looking after her own child will give her a better idea. Yes, having a baby is hard, but we’ve all been there. If you rely on others for childcare including overnights then you lose the right to dictate how it’s done.

I totally agree with steppemum and I was thinking the exact same thing.

I am a little confused about why you told your DD2 to phone you rather than 999 if she stopped breathing...

Other than that, YWNBU.

My son is 11, I’d trust him completely to do as you have.

Your 21 year old is clearly fragile and I feel nothing but empathy for her. She needs support. I think she’s wrong on this but I’d go round there if I was you and she wasn’t answering the phone. Remind her you feel the same about her and she feels about her 8 week old x

Ywnbu, and fwiw I would have done the same. You left for a few minutes with a responsible 11yo, think your DDs reaction was more to do with a heightened emotional state after her night out. Hopefully she’ll calm down and you can get back on track soon.

You did nothing wrong OP.
You can talk it through and all should be well again.
Hopefully she'll get some help from the GP if she does have PND.

Personally I would not have done this, I would have brought the baby. She would have went straight back to sleep in the pram. Fresh air is very good for them, even if they have a mild cold. However you sound like a lovely granny and very supportive mother and your dd should not have spoken to you like that.

I will add, I always get slated on here for being overprotective because I refuse to leave babies/toddlers alone in the car so I am probably not the best person to advise

I think you were fine doing that. Even if there had been an emergency in the five minutes you'd left them, surely even a one legged eleven year old would have been able to ring the emergency services.. Your daughter should have thought about her child more and provided everything she needed, if she had the situation wouldn't have arisen.

I wouldn't claim to be the most conscientious of grannies but NO WAY would I have left my DGC alone.I probably wouldn't leave an 11 year old either.
There's plenty of household stuff you could have used as a nappy substitute till DD came home, even if for a few hours.
I would be just as furious as DD and It would take a long time to calm down.

I would have done that too.

Only you know how close the shop is/sensible your DD is.

Interested in what household stuff you could use as a nappy for several hours?

Me too

Bloody hell. YWNBU. What exactly was going to happen? Was a sleeping 8 week old baby going to leap out of the moses basket and toddle out the door?

I think some of the responses on here are indicative of how paranoid midwives and health visitors make new parents feel - I certainly felt terrified of leaving my PFB alone for 2 minutes. I even used to take him into the toilet with me! Now I know that babies don't spontaneously combust when left alone in a room for more than 30 seconds I am much more relaxed with my second baby.

Your daughter will come round but you should apologise and let her know her feelings are valid (even if her reaction was unreasonable).

I don't think it's maybe worth having an argument over your DD does sound fragile. It must have been quite an emotional evening.

I think I'd just have a chat and say you are happy to do things her way and let's not fall out.

I'm looking around the house and I see kitchen towel and frog tape.

That would do it.

There's plenty of household stuff you could have used as a nappy substitute till DD came home, even if for a few hours.

You sound like a brilliant Nana! I didn't have grandparents around when my daughters were little and it would have been such a huge support. Having the baby a few nights a week is amazing and your daughter will come around - probably within the next couple of days when she realises what it's like not having that support there, if for no other reason.

I would have done the same as you.

Sounds like DD is taking out her sadness at life changing / possible PND out on this situation.

I’d apologise, just to smooth the hinges over while she feels this way. Now that you know she feels this way you wouldn’t do it again.

Otherwise there’s a risk she won’t ask you to help again and could sink deeper herself- sounds like she needs support and you can provide that.

Choutted I worded that it wrongly but what I said to DD2 was phone me if baby woke up and she was unsure what to do. And 999 if something was seriously wrong.

DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation

Well why didn't she include some nappies in the bag then before she waltzed off to the pub? How bloody rude.

YANBU. You were 2 mins away.