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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/12/2018 12:39

Yanbu. I’d have done the same.

JosieJasper · 02/12/2018 12:43

YANBU. You did a perfectly acceptable thing under the circumstances. Most people drive their tiny new baby home from hospital in the car without a second thought, much higher risk than what you did. As for your daughter, she will come around, she was feeling particularly low at that moment probably due to the realisation of how her life has changed but she will also realise just how much she needs you and your support Flowers

smackbangwhollop · 02/12/2018 13:06

It takes you longer than that to use the bathroom. What happens then...
Ridiculous overreaction but hormones are probably still out if whack. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe she'll read this and realise if she hadn't forgotten the nappies this wouldn't have happened.
Sending th 11 year old to the shop would have been the better idea but we don't always think straight all the time. No one's perfect although many like to think they are.

Owlettele · 02/12/2018 13:08

The fact that you felt the need to tell an 11 yr old baby may change colour or stop breathing call me..........too much to be responsible for. You cannot leave a new baby with such a young child. She may not have had the presence of mind to call you should this happen due to shock and even if 2 minutes away that could have been too long.

Yes OP YABU

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 13:41

I'm very risk averse but don't see the problem, I would leave the 11 year old to actually care for the baby (feed or change her etc) without supervision but if it was really 5 minutes and baby was sleeping I think it's fine.

pamhill64 · 02/12/2018 14:53

YANBU. DD1 is tired and grumpy that’s all. Many women have older kids and a newborn so hows that different if they went for a shower etc? Baby isn’t made of glass! You weighed up the risks and made a judgment call. A sensible one imo. That’s all we can do as parents and GPS. DD1 should have left more nappies. Hopefully she’ll calm down in a day or two and then you can chat calmly. She will make her own judgement calls over the coming years too

manicmij · 02/12/2018 15:06

YWNU Dd has gone over the with her reaction
You didn't leave baby alone and you were out for five minutes. Goodness it takes longer to hang washing outside even go to toilet at times. Would have done the same.

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 15:14

I m 21 and have an 8 week old boy, my sister is 11 in January and although she is amazing with the baby there's no way in hell I would be okay with her watching him by herself, even for 5 mins, anything could happen then.
And it's not the same as being in a different room! Atleast your actually in the house.
My mum would have taken the baby with her, waking her is much better than leaving her pretty much unsupervised!
I m sure she ll come round but I would be expecting a big apology

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 15:22

How did your daughter not see you going to the shops as it's 2 mins away and she just so happened to come back in that small timeframe of 5min

naicepineapple · 02/12/2018 16:13

@Meganc559 I wonder that too

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 16:20

I think it's very coincidental that she appeared when Op was out

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 02/12/2018 18:27

YANBU. I get why your DD1 has reacted as she has, because she's 8 weeks pp with her first child; im surprised by the posts here saying YABU though. Baby was sleeping, 11 is plenty old enough (depending on individual child's maturity yes, but I would think most 11 year olds would be fine), it was five mins.

I would just be kind to DD1 because she's feeling fragile and fair enough, but I think she also needs to be careful about biting the hand that feeds her. You sound like you're providing a lot of practical support and she was the one who left you a baby and no spare nappies...

GabsAlot · 02/12/2018 19:22

was it really five minutes or just a rough guess

you daughters timing was inpeccable

Coyoacan · 02/12/2018 19:55

Sorry, this is all OTT. What on earth could have happened to the baby in five minutes? As a single mother your dd is setting herself impossible standards.

Many years ago I was a single mum and I used to have to go the shops and leave my baby alone while she was asleep.

JonNTerry · 02/12/2018 20:20

YWNBU

But only because ur DD2 is mature. I have a nephew and niece both 11. I would leave my DC with niece as she is mature but i wouldnt with nephew as he is quite immature

sj257 · 02/12/2018 20:23

YABU. Not your baby to take the risk with. I’d be fuming.

sj257 · 02/12/2018 20:25

I have a very mature 12 year old. Wouldn’t leave her alone with a baby. The responsibility isn’t fair if something were to happen. If the baby went a funny colour, stopped breathing, you being 5 mins walk away is too far.

boloriabullet · 02/12/2018 20:28

I don't think YWBU but to point out that it's not what might happen to the baby whilst you were out, but what if something had happened to you whilst you were out? A bit far fetched, but what if you'd been knocked over etc and then you wouldn't be able to return. This is why I don't really leave my little ones with their older siblings. In case something happened to me.

AutumnB · 02/12/2018 23:07

Many years ago I was a single mum and I used to have to go the shops and leave my baby alone while she was asleep

Er, for how long Coyoacan??

Jent13c · 02/12/2018 23:15

I see that the baby was in no danger but you were going to be changing her anyway so you would have had to wake her. Would really have been better to wrap her up and take her.

kateandme · 03/12/2018 02:46

if the points cant be resolved try not to keep backing them if you get what I mean.your dd is probably tired stress and feeling left out right now.so all that last night made her over protective lioness come out raging. and today she may or might not feel this but might still not be able to back down due to how heightened her emotions are at the moment she just needsvalidation.
so even if you both have different styles and you are not being UR id try just comforting her if you can.telling her you know it must have been so hard to leave her dd and then to not have the night as planned so your sorry if it all got a bit too much last night then to see your dd alone.
even if she is UR or if a parenting style seems way off it is at the end of the day how she had chosen to do things.especially right now with it only being 8 weeks in id let her go with it and I think like us all shell soon be leaving the baby for a week or more (JOKE)!
I don't know how she knows her arse from her elbow neve rmind going out at this point so praise to the both of you.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/12/2018 12:29

Coyoacan no you didn't. You could have fitted shopping trips around naps or put her in the buggy for her nap and gone shopping, like I did.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/12/2018 12:32

Jent I've never woken a baby to change them. Hmm

Butteredghost · 03/12/2018 13:14

It's ironic DD is so pissed about you not supervising the baby, when she doesn't even supervise her own baby "a couple of times a week". A couple of times a week! Read a few parenting threads on here, you will see many parents have had just a couple of nights off in their entire children's lives, some haven't had any.

Don't worry, YANBU and she'll be crawling back to you when she realises her free night nanny is gone.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 03/12/2018 13:25

Lots of people with PFB syndrome on this thread.

If the 11 year old is sensible and mature then they should be capable of watching a sleeping baby for 5 minutes.

Your DD is the one who was unreasonable and irresponsible by not having spare nappies in the changing bag - what did she think you were going to do if the baby had a poo explosion?

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