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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 30/11/2018 13:29

Ywnbu, an 11 year old is more than capable of watching a child for five minutes. As others said your daughter was probably stressed and took it out on you. I’m sure she feels a bit bad by now and hopefully will apologise (probably by the time her next night out comes around )

mrsgrinchx · 30/11/2018 13:30

I don't think you were being unreasonable but can understand why she acted the way she did.

pantyclaws · 30/11/2018 13:31

I remember going absolutely nuts at my parents for not calling me when my PFB had been sick on their watch the first time they looked after them (at about 6 months old). It was a mix of guilt, pnd, worry. Luckily they understood and forgave me.

dancemom · 30/11/2018 13:31

Totally fine.

At 12 I spent a summer minding 3 kids, 8,5 and 6 months when their mother was in hospital.

Some 11 year olds have their own babies!

mrsgrinchx · 30/11/2018 13:31

Maybe she should be more organised and pack some nappies!

tolerable · 30/11/2018 13:32

she should have packed the bloody nappies then. ...

User20182008 · 30/11/2018 13:32

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Andyetanothernamechange · 30/11/2018 13:34

Did she pay you back for the nappies?

Mishappening · 30/11/2018 13:36

I can't see a problem with what you did. I would have done the same. DD is being ungrateful - but she is probably still emotional after the birth and the circumstances she finds herself in.

Livinglavidal0ca · 30/11/2018 13:36

I'm so torn because I get why you did it. If that was my baby though I'd be absolutely fuming, but I can't put my finger on why that is, I don't think the baby was in danger.

Ngaio2 · 30/11/2018 13:36

Your Dd1 has placed you in a no-win situation OP. My mother was over anxious re her children but had no qualms about my taking sibling out in pram for a walk at that age, nor did the neighbours mind my walking their infants. Babies being watched more intently than if left to sleep in an adjacent room.
DD1 will realise she’s been unfair but her pride may make it difficult for her to admit this.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 13:37

Some 11 year olds have their own babies!

Oh come on!

schnubbins · 30/11/2018 13:39

At 11 years of age I babysat for 3 kids including a baby. what on earth could have happened in 5 minutes .

Celebelly · 30/11/2018 13:39

Surely it would take longer having a poo sometimes than walking to the corner shop and back?! A sleeping eight-week-old baby is basically a potato - it's not going to hurl itself out of its basket and run into the kitchen to drink some bleach. Or are you meant to sit and watch them constantly and unblinkingly for the entire time they are asleep? In actual fact, your daughter probably did do that (I know I would have at her age if someone asked me to watch their baby!), so the baby was probably even more supervised than normal!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/11/2018 13:40

YANBU and I fail to see what the risk is here.

Did your older daughter ever spend five minutes in the presence of her baby sister at age ten?

tickingthebox · 30/11/2018 13:41

in you situation right now I would text DD1 an apology of the

"Thinking about it really sorry, won't do it again" variety

You won't convince an 8wk pp mother that the baby could have been left with an 11yo, even though in reality it was and would be fine.

right or wrong you are only going to connect with DD and be able to continue helping her with an apology.

...she'll realise at some point, probably when she has a second baby!

Startworkbob · 30/11/2018 13:43

Regardless of what anyone on her thinks your dd doesn't feel comfortable with it so surely that's what matters? She's the mother and gets to decide if an 11 year old is to be left looking after her child?

I personally think it's wrong to leave the house and let an 11 year old child look after new baby. It's different popping to the loo, your dd can come and get you if there's a problem she can't do that if you're in the shop. I would be very cross with my mother if she did this. I'm surprised by the amount of people who would be ok with it. I honestly don't know one person who would leave an 11 year old to look after a baby.

Startworkbob · 30/11/2018 13:47

she'll realise at some point, probably when she has a second baby!

@tickingthebox what an unusual way to look at it. I have 3 children and I wouldn't 'realise' either! I have a 13 year old and a baby and would be so angry if my mother decided to leave my 13 year old looking after my baby. Regardless of how many children someone has it doesn't make it OK to leave a baby in the care of a child!

nokidshere · 30/11/2018 13:48

What's the absolute worse that could happen, the baby wake up and cry for a couple of minutes while her auntie adoringly strokes her face and songs her a song?? I'm sure if the baby was sick or anything your daughter would have the sense to walk the couple of steps to her to pick her up, call you and wait a few minutes for you to return. Maybe you should kindly and gently ask what the worst that could possibly happen be, bearing in mind you have a phone and an 11 year old can call 999 just as well as you can (clearly wouldn't be necessary).

Well clearly you have no imagination. And unfortunately most new mothers have an overactive imagination. Worse things can and do happen in a matter of seconds or minutes, it might be rare but it definitely does happen.

loveskaka · 30/11/2018 13:49

What where you supposed to do, leave the baby with a dirty nappy? X

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 13:50

Well since leaving children home alone is no different from being in the bath/on the toilet i will go out to the shop later and leave my children home alone... oh wait Hmm

Fresta · 30/11/2018 13:50

Don't be stupid people- the baby will be fine with an 11 year old for 5 minutes! FFS- I had a babysitting job at 13 looking after a one year old.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 13:51

What where you supposed to do, leave the baby with a dirty nappy?

take the baby with her.

NameChange457 · 30/11/2018 13:52

I don't really think either of you are being unreasonable, though I don't think in your shoes I'd have left the baby.

I can completely see why your DD1 having arrived home to find you not there has reacted in an emotional way, add in baby hormones, sleep deprivation, isolation and the sheer overwhelming responsibility of having recently become a single parent/first time Mum and honestly I'd think it a miracle if she was always absolutely reasonable.

You only need to read a few posts here on MN to read questions from new Mums asking how they take a shower/ are supposed to get anything done when they aren't supposed to leave their baby alone, to see that actually new Mums often don't like to leave their baby alone in another room for even 5 minutes. And these are often Mums with supportive partners sharing the load so they probably aren't feeling quite as sleep deprived and vulnerable as your DD likely is.

I'd guess that you're one of the few people DD feels she has supporting her/ she'd trust with her baby, and she's gone out, she's not even been gone long, and come back and found you'd gone out and left her baby alone with an 11yr old. Totally reasonable of her to be upset in that situation.

FluffySlipperSocks · 30/11/2018 13:52

I would have cleaned baby with a flannel and water etc and stuck in a hot wash and wrapped baby's bottom in a towel until they woke up. Then I would have taken baby to shop with me..

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