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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 01/12/2018 12:16

She couldn't walk into the next room Desmondo, how would she have walked round the school?

Glosgran · 01/12/2018 12:26

When I was 11 years old I used to babysit for neighbours and would also be allowed to take the baby for a long walk in the pram. I'd be given a bottle of milk in case it was needed. This is long before the days of mobile phones. In fact, the only phone in the village was a public phone box. As our school was over a mile away in the next village and there was an isolated road along a common between the villages, we used to catch a bus to and from school. When still in primary school, probably from age 9 or 10 yrs old, I was the eldest child in our village so I would be 'in charge' of all the other children from age 3 upwards from our village on the way to and from school on the regular service bus. I was like a little Mother Hen and looked after my younger brother and 5 or 6 other children, taking them to the sweet shop on the way to school and making sure they were all safe.

KarmaStar · 01/12/2018 12:27

Hi OP,your dd has overreacted,as you say,she is exhausted.
You are helping her a lot and it was probably a mixture of emotions that made her lash out at someone she knows is safe to do it at and the shock of you not being there triggered it.
The baby was perfectly safe,being watched for a few minutes.
Don't let anyone build this into something it isn't.
Your dd will come round soon.don't feel bad.Flowers

KarmaStar · 01/12/2018 12:28

don't feel bad!

AlaskanOilBaron · 01/12/2018 12:35

Good grief. Your daughter left her 8-week old with no nappies, then got angry with you for leaving her asleep for 5 minutes in the care of an 11-year old.

She has behaved terribly. I agree you might need to cut her some slack because of her circumstances, but not too much.

hooveringhamabeads · 01/12/2018 12:45

Jesus she sounds like an entitled little madam.

If she’d bought some bloody nappies, you wouldn’t have had to go to the shop.

FWIW, i’d Frequently leave dd1 (then aged 6/7) in the same room as baby dd2 while I had a shower or something. She’d let me know if baby woke up. Totally normal family stuff. Not so long ago, children of 11 would be pretty much raising younger siblings (more than one of them!). Of course an 11 year old can watch a baby for 5 minutes.

Considering the amount you’re doing to help dd1 I would suggest to her that if she wants that support to continue she has a little word with herself and start being a bit more grateful and organised!

Flobalob · 01/12/2018 12:47

YWNBU. I have a very mature 8 year old and a shop across the road and I would have done the same as you with my 8yo watching the baby.

Your DD1 will soon come running back when she's had to cope single handedly for a few weeks. She shouldn't have forgotten the nappies and you wouldn't have been in that position. I'm sure it's just her being a new mum to a PFB that has caused her to blow up. Leave her to it, she'll need you soon enough.

She's really lucky to have you helping out so much. I have two disabled kids born 15months apart. No Mum around to offer advice and they don't cope being apart from me so have only ever had one sleepover where my brother looked after them. Your daughter is very lucky and she'll soon come to her senses!

Dotty1970 · 01/12/2018 12:57

I'm afraid mainly due to it being someone else's it wasn't the right thing to do.

RavenWings · 01/12/2018 13:04

Yanbu. Eldest dd should have remembered the nappies, she was asking a favour from you as it was and she put you in that situation. What exactly was going to happen in those 5 mins - I bet your dd isn't sitting up watching the baby all night and occasionally has to deal with something else for a few mins Shock

I'd cut her some slack because she's just had a newborn, but not a hope in hell would I be apologising or making it up to her.

twoheaped · 01/12/2018 13:11

I hope dd thaws soon and realises she's made a fuss about nothing.

blackcat86 · 01/12/2018 13:21

DD has been neglectful here OP and I'm afraid you need to call her on this. On a couple of occasions I've dropped DD (15 weeks) at my parents for a few hours but they have enough nappies to last at least 24hrs in the changing bag should baby need more than anticipated or should something happen. I'm presuming it was the first time you'd checked the changing bag and found it without nappies. That's awful. Leaving baby with an 11yr old for literally 5mins is fine IMO given the circumstances. You Can't baby out with a dirty nappy, they're better asleep until they can be changed. Maybe she's embarrassed and is blaming you rather than admitting that she's dropped a ball and not packed the changing bag properly in her rush to go off and play with her mates.

Ilovealexa · 01/12/2018 13:30

My seven year old could watch a baby for five minutes like her life depended on it (wouldn’t ever need to since I don’t have one ha) so I know you can fully trust your 11 year old.

Would have been worse imo to wake the baby who would then feel her discomfort of being in a dirty nappy which I’m sure she was blissfully unaware of whilst asleep.

VimFuego101 · 01/12/2018 13:31

I would not have left a baby with an 11yo, but given that your DD left you no nappies and told you not to take the baby out, what else did she expect you to do?

ItsThisOneThing · 01/12/2018 13:38

You did nothing wrong, stop worrying. I'm sure your DD will see sense when she takes the emotion out of it

user1497787065 · 01/12/2018 13:52

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Do mothers nowadays never walk into the garden to peg washing? Go to the loo? Put out bins? The length of time that the baby was left is what is important in this instance.

Dotty1970 · 01/12/2018 13:56

Can I add to my post, you dd is totally out of order saying your a bad mum, you are supporting her so much she is very very lucky to have you. I can understand why you did it and you don't deserve to be punished as such Flowers

TheDarkPassenger · 01/12/2018 14:12

I would do what you did.
She either trusts you or she doesn’t. In which case you get your weekends back!

She was disgusting to tell you you’re a bad mother, I’d be tempted to lay low and not offer to babysit for a few weeks tbh, just because she’s 21 doesn’t mean you haven’t stopped being her parent and that means consequences for your actions.

Isadora2007 · 01/12/2018 14:25

I think your older dd was possibly projecting the “bad Mum” stuff on to you. She feels like a bad mum- especially as she forgot the nappies- she can’t handle that feeling on top of how shit she feels as a new and overwhelmed mum- she chucks it at you. Stay calm and let her come back to you. Dont apologise. But do check in to see how she is. It’s tough being a new mum and especially a young and single one.

HippoLatte · 01/12/2018 14:35

I think what you did was fine. I do think your DD1 is being very ungrateful and if she is to continue with using you as her babysitter when she feels like it, then solving differences without the name calling would be something she needs to learn. She's the one who left an 8 week old baby off for hours with no nappies so if we were slinging mud here.......

pollymere · 01/12/2018 18:16

I think most eleven year olds can cope with a small baby for five minutes. They know how to call you or an ambulance.

ThatOneHurt · 01/12/2018 18:22

I think YABVU.

I'd be as fucked off as your daughter is.

Zbag · 01/12/2018 18:24

Yanbu at all.

peachsquish · 01/12/2018 18:37

YANBU.

TowerRavenSeven · 01/12/2018 18:43

Yanbu! I'm super cautious but even I think this was fine!

Nousernamefound · 01/12/2018 18:46

@lightsong guessing sending other daughter to shop wasn’t a possibility due to twisted ankle and not being able to walk, or she would have been in school, but otherwise that would have been the more obvious solution.

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