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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
shirleyschmidt · 01/12/2018 18:50

YANBU

woolduvet · 01/12/2018 18:56

Tricky situation, I hope your dh is able to calm the situation.

tinytreefrog · 01/12/2018 18:59

My DD2 is almost 11, mature and sensible. I'm sure she would be capable of looking after a sleeping baby for five minutes. YANBU

JimCricket · 01/12/2018 19:06

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I think ur DD1 is just tired

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/12/2018 19:06

Oh FGS, I understand that your DD1 was upset as she is a new mother and very emotional but an 11 year old is fine to be left with the baby for a short period. I was an aunt at age 10 and nephew would sleep in my room when we were babysitting overnight and at 11/12 I was babysitting for short periods, once with twins....and we didn't even have a house phone never mind a mobile. I appreciate that times change etc but really, what you did was perfectly fine.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/12/2018 19:08

It's difficult but if your daughter had decided to stay at the bar for hours, what were you supposed to do, leave the baby to get sore and wake up uncomfortable in any case? You need to message her to say you're sorry but you were stuck .. she should have brought nappies, or you should have had some in when you look after the baby often. She'll get over it, but you need to apologise because she seems a bit sensitive at the moment and you don't want this to ruin your relationship

Mumshappy · 01/12/2018 19:08

I wish you were my DM. I would never get to have lunch with my friends alone. Im on my own with three DCs. The youngest is 7 months. Where i go the child/children also go/goes. You had no choice to do what you did. Your DD didnt provide any nappies. If it was night time no one would be watching the baby constantly. Children are capable of much more than we allow them to do these days. Your Dd will still be hormonal but she needs to be a bit more grateful for all the help shes getting. Shes v lucky in that respect

WendyWarthog · 01/12/2018 19:12

YANBU. The baby was sleeping and was being watched.

Do all of you handwringing and telling the OP she was out of order sit wide awake watching your baby sleep through the night? Do you sit there watching like a hawk over every nap? No of course you don't. You go to the loo, you have a shower, hang your washing out, play with your toddler, cook a meal and of course go to bed every night.

And you probably do all of that with nobody watching your baby. I know I did. Sounds like the OP's GC was more watched than a baby left to sleep in another room whilst it's parent cracked on with other jobs.

iBAKEalot · 01/12/2018 19:12

Wow. I'm surprised you thought this was okay, I defo think you were in the wrong here. The fact that you gave DD2 a little talk about if the baby stops breathing shows you are aware of the risks (no matter how small/unlikely they are). I also think if someone (even if she is your daughter) is trusting you with their baby then you should be with the baby 100% of the time. For an 8 week old they should be sleeping in the same room as you anyway. I think this was a very risky thing to do. A 2 minute walk is too long for me to be honest. I would have reacted just like your DD did.

iBAKEalot · 01/12/2018 19:13

Also if the shops are a 2 min walk away and the 11 year old DD is responsible, could she not have gone to buy the nappies for you?

AnotherEmma · 01/12/2018 19:14

CANCEL THE CHEQUE

iBAKEalot · 01/12/2018 19:15

Ahh just remembered she had a twisted ankle. Never had one before, can you walk 4 minutes with a twisted ankle? In an emergency could you carry and walk an 8 week old?

I know you had good intentions, but just think you went about things in the wrong way.

RockinHippy · 01/12/2018 19:16

You did what you needed to do in a difficult set of circumstances caused by your daughter forgetting to bring nappies.

If your shop is as close as our nearest, then it would literally be no more than 5 minutes & you know your DD11 best, so your DD1 BVU.

but as the others say. I'd cut her some slack as it doesn't sound like she's coping & has just had the huge realisation that she is now a new mum & for the time being at least, she is massively out of step with her friends, plus hormones at play to make her emotional

Lovingit81 · 01/12/2018 19:20

YWB TOTALLY U!! I don't care how many people on here say 'in my day I looked after five babies when I was 8'. Times have changed folks! Not only did the mother of the child not give you permission to do that. Your other daughter is still a child. Huge mistake and you owe your daughter a big apology. I wouldn't trust you again I'm afraid.

abbsisspartacus · 01/12/2018 19:27

Lovingit81 are you the daughter by any chance? If so grow the fuck up love I had no family support with my first no drinks with my mates no afternoon's off nights out even a fucking phone call to see how I was mother dearest would swan in occasionally when it was convenient for her and whisk her grandchild around to meet the family I wasn't invited I was told to tidy up while I had the time she did help me out with baby formula as they discontinued her favourite brand my mother bought a large amount of it and allowed me to buy it off her she was kind enough not to charge me interest Hmm

billybagpuss · 01/12/2018 19:29

One of those situations where you can't do right for doing wrong.

Hope today has been better OP Flowers

LanaorAna2 · 01/12/2018 19:30

YANBU. Risk to DGD would be the same whether you or DD2 were in house, ie non-existent.

Don't let DD get mardy on you when you're doing her a favour - that's rude. Hey, she can always look after her own kids.

CaptainShark · 01/12/2018 19:30

Op don't beat yourself up about it, what's done is done. Having said that, I was very very anxious when I had dc1 and would only ever leave her with my parents, I was too scared to leave her with anyone else. If I had discovered my parents had left my baby alone with anyone else I would have been cross, I would have been incredibly upset to know my 8 week old was left in the care of a child.
I think you just have to understand your daughter is probably feeling very on edge, a new mum and a single mum at that, all responsibility rests on her and its more than likely making her anxious enough. Just apologise to your daughter, tell her you won't leave her alone with anyone else when dgc is in your care unless you have run it by her first (phone call in the above situation)

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/12/2018 19:36

I think a lot of people have gone way over the top here. What's the worst that can happen to a sleeping baby in a cot for 5 min? Parents are often asleep when the baby sleeps not constantly watching 24 / 7 and waiting to see if the baby chokes on vomit - which shouldn't happen if the baby is healthy and has normal reflexes.

CSIblonde · 01/12/2018 19:37

11 is too young for me, having taught that age group. I wouldn't feel they're mature enough & in an emergency they'd likely panic. I'd take the baby with me & I really would get spare supplies in, get your DD a sling she can also leave with you & have spare clothes for nappy explosions.

rachelfrost · 01/12/2018 19:37

YWBU Sure the risks are low and the intentions good but op said she’d look after baby and should have done just that. Leaving your new born with someone is an act of trust, if I’d come home to find a babysitter gone and a child in charge I’d freak out too.

SoftSheen · 01/12/2018 19:44

YABU. I would have taken the baby with me.

At the very least, you should have asked DD1's permission.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/12/2018 19:51

Hope DD1 realises you were doing what you felt to be best in the circumstances, no nappies and her not wanting baby out in the cold.

StillNumb · 01/12/2018 19:54

I know it's a differnt era, but when I was your younger daughters age I came home from school and made a meal from scratch for a family of 7. I don't think you were unreasonable, but I wouldn't expect an 11 year old to do what I did to put in context. You definitely weren't unreasonable

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/12/2018 20:05

I guess i must be an extremely neglectful parent. I used to let DSs sleep while I was in another room/in the shower/upstairs or downstairs/hanging out the washing and our childminder used to wrap him up and put him out in the pram to sleep as did we. I wasn't aware that I was meant to watch over them every second...

In fact I remember the HV saying that if you were really stressed with a screaming baby it was better to leave them somewhere safe and remove yourself from the situation until you were calm enough to deal with it.

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