Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Potato2242 · 30/11/2018 19:39

I think her scare is if your dd2 cant leave the room how is she supposed to get to the baby if she starts choking on spit up for example? She may as well have not been there in your sister eyes as she was no use and if the choking is happening and your minutes away that's too far. Mix in communication i think, but I can see where you're both coming from

honeylulu · 30/11/2018 20:17

What you did was fine. My babies slept in a room alone from about 5/6 weeks anyway.
Plus we live on a main road and have to park in a side road so I often left my 9/10 year old watching youngest for less than 5 mins while I got shopping from the car etc.
She can tHink you're unreasonable but then she can find another babysitter can't she? FFS.

cptartapp · 30/11/2018 20:55

So she won't be leaving baby with you again unsupervised will she? She'll forego those two childfree nights every week? She doesn't know how lucky she is. I hope the father is paying maintenance, she can pay a babysitter then instead of relying on you.

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/12/2018 08:15

Potato but she was in the room.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 01/12/2018 08:28

I'm really shocked at the amount of people who think you're in the wrong tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

An 11 year old is more than capable of watching a baby (sleeping or not) for 5 minutes!!

I'd of done the same.... even after reading the replies

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 01/12/2018 08:31

I think you did the right thing by apologising. DD1 wasn't happy about it and that's what matters really. Even though 95% of the people on this thread have said they think it's fine there are some who don't so DD1 isn't being wildly unreasonable. I didn't leave my babies with anyone when they were that small apart from DH so I think I would also be shocked to find the baby alone with an 11yo in the same situation. Obviously you didn't know she wouldn't be happy and you felt you acted in the baby's best interests and I'm sure DD1 will realise that.

PosiePerkinandPootle · 01/12/2018 08:53

I think I'd have done the same as you OP. your DD will ultimately be feeling to blame because in her head the narrative will be starting with "if I had changed her nappy before we left and double checked her change bag this would've been avoided. It's my fault." Welcome to Mum Guilt.
It sounds as though you have been very supportive OP. As others have suggested I'd go round with a wee something flowers, chocs whatever and suggest a wee shopping trip so that there's a fully stocked changing station, even a change of clothes at granny's house. It's what my mum did and it was so nice to have one place I could go with my babies without taking everything but the kitchen sink with me.

agirlhasnonameX · 01/12/2018 09:14

You sound like such a lovely mother OP Thanks

Polly99 · 01/12/2018 09:22

I’d have done the same as you OP. At 11 I was more than capable of taking care of a sleeping baby for 5 minutes and I’d think that most 11 year olds would be the same and take it pretty seriously. I’d have absolutely no qualms about leaving my (just) 12 year old alone with a new baby for a short period.

Your DD1 is getting used to a whole new reality and has overreacted.

Ginseng1 · 01/12/2018 09:27

I'd have done same. You were not wrong & she overeated. But it's her pfb, she's a single mom baby only 8 weeks, she's young, sleep deprived. You've been great, your dd2 will also be a great help she'll come round am sure

NualaCassia · 01/12/2018 09:28

If your dd1 is so fragile, anything you did would have got you snapped at.

If you’d used “household items” you would have been told that you should have left baby asleep to go to the shop. If you took baby to the shop your dd1 would have snapped that you’d taken her out.

I would have done the same as you, you’ve apologised and she’ll soon be back with her tail between her legs when she needs more childcare. But honestly, I wouldn’t be letting her rely on you so much in future. She’s an adult and a mum now, she needs to learn how to look after her own baby, I would still be supportive but I wouldn’t be looking after the baby so often.

Sommelierrrr · 01/12/2018 09:33

If I was your dd I would have reacted the same way.

If I was you, I'd have taken the baby and th other DD to the shop.

You do sound very supportive and lovely to your daughter and I hope it all works out Flowers

PiperMickey · 01/12/2018 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MadMum101 · 01/12/2018 09:39

Why on earth would you take an 11 year old with a twisted ankle to the shop 2 mins away Sommellierrr?

You did the right thing OP. DD1 needs to apologise when she's calmed down. Don't be taken for a doormat.

Mummyshark2018 · 01/12/2018 09:45

Rightly or wrongly I was babysitting baby cousins (not 8 wk olds but close) for hours at that age and was fine! Leaving a sleeping baby with a secondary aged child for 5 minutes is ok- unless your dd is very immature!

naicepineapple · 01/12/2018 09:46

Yes ywbvu it's not ok for an 11yo to be responsible for a baby.
Usually people are more careful with other people's babies too Shock

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/12/2018 10:14

Meh
You had to get nappies
It was cold
She hadn’t left enough supplies

She will be back for more childcare I suspect

But promise her that you won’t do again ?

Echobelly · 01/12/2018 10:20

I think it was fine myself, though in your shoes I might have texted DD1 first to say 'You haven't packed any nappies, is it OK if pop to the shop round the corner to get some while DD2 sits in the room with baby?' so she knows what's happened.

I think DD1 is being unreasonable not talking to you, though that is qualified by her possibly being extra anxious while the baby is so small, so I wouldn't judge her about that.

Older siblings have been watching baby siblings for millennia - mums could never have managed in the past if they hadn't had their older kids help out, and that was in times when there was far more danger to kids and serious illness etc!

Youmadorwhat · 01/12/2018 10:28

Ywnbu she was emotional and you got the brunt of it. God I was babysitting stage 12. You just need to sit her down and explain to her that even though she may have been upset that you were doing her a favor essentially and you trust dd2 as should she tbh. She’s 11 not 5/6. In this day and age of mobile phones etc it’s no biggie. Popping to the shop is not a big deal. If she still has a problem with it then you should explain to her that if it happens again you will just call her to come home from her night out perhaps??

ID81241 · 01/12/2018 10:56

Sorry but i think YABU. Like others have said it wasn't your call to make. DD asked you to look after her newborn. If she had been comfortable with her 11 year old sister providing childcare, she would've said. All mothers are different and personally I was always in the same room as my newborn (just brought him in his bouncer/carrycot whichever room I was going as he slept in that in the day). I would-ve been horrified at the thought of my mother or MIL leaving the house altogether even if only for 5 mins! Personally I wouldn't trust your judgement or ask you to babysit after that... but your daughter doesn't have the luxury of a supportive partner so I'm sure she'll need your help again soon.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/12/2018 11:25

Sadly unless this is normal behaviour for your dd, ie behaving like a spoilt brat, then it does sound like she is finding it very hard to cope with a newborn.

And this is why posters are bringing up her age - she does sound very immature. And she already has you looking after the baby and doing night feeds !! a couple of times a week. She is getting so much help, more than most, even as a single parent.

Please do not grovel. Stop texting. She will come round. She needs you. Most posters agree you didn't do anything wrong. Try to get your daughter some help regarding her mental health. Best of luck - I think you are being a fantastic grandmother Smile.

eco1636 · 01/12/2018 11:30

I babysat for family at 11 - the baby was always asleep in cot and always stayed that way.
I guess with a daytime nap you don’t know when they will wake up, but ywnbu imo.

Dragon3 · 01/12/2018 11:35

I think it was fine.

You are being a great support but it's fine to take a step back at this point. Your DD needs to find her own way. It will increase her confidence in the long run. Certainly stop the night feeds except in exceptional circumstances!

bobstersmum · 01/12/2018 11:38

If the shop is so close I think that was OK. Your older dd should have provided nappies and she should be bloody grateful she has you to willingly look after her child.

Desmondo2016 · 01/12/2018 11:39

The 11 year old should have been at school with a broken ankle. You should have taken the baby to the shop with you. I think a big genuine apology to DD1 is required here and a big dose of love and support.