To let my 10 year old DS take a mental health day off school

[Oopupsideyourhead]

10 year old DS has had several emotional meltdowns this week - he’s overwhelmed by school and very with out with year 6- I think he’s feeling the pressure.
I let him take a day off today- he’s in bed upstairs with a cup of tea looking much happier.
It’s his first day off since sept so was I being unreasonable to let him stay home? I feel guilty in terms of it being an important year but he really needed it

@abucat Yeah, that's a reflection on the abysmal state of adult mental health services, not over provision in CAMHS.

I actually agree with Oblomov, about the distinction that needs to be between real MH issue and stresses that are part of everyday life. Having a DS with diagnosed MH issues there is a world of difference between the two and using it willy nilly trivialises serious MH issues and makes it hard for people to distinguish between them.

I think you did the right thing. SATs are awful and schools are putting kids under incredible pressure. Also they are used by Secondary schools for setting so they are important.

When DD has been grey with exhaustion I've sent her to bed to rest. A day off is sometimes what they need - they are kids, not adults so IMO the same rules don't apply.

But - tell the school the truth. Express concern over the level of pressure they are putting them under, be very clear that your child is now unhappy at school. Make it clear to DS that this is an exception and that the two of you need to sort out the stress issues together.

have you also never "taken a sickie" off work?

Hand on heart no I haven't. I have been with my current company 6 years and never been off sick, so I could easily "taken a sickle" without it being noticed as excessive time off but I wouldn't as I am an honest person.

This is exactly the reason we should be teaching our children how to cope instead of being dishonest and relying on "taking a sickie".

I can take a day off when I need to, via my annual leave allocation. Why can't a 10 year old?

Year 6 is particularly stressful - they're being stressed not only by SATS, but often also various other exams to get into schools, and also because everything they've known for the last 7 years of their short lives is about to change.

@sugar but how do I know that the stresses my son is feeling know won’t lead to more serious mental health issues later in his life?

Ravenmum

I have never taken a sick day without needing to, my husband hasnt been off sick his entire career (he never gets ill!!) and I know my parents would never do so. I think it's odd you assume all adults "pull a sickie".

Missing a day or two from the academic year really isn’t a big deal, especially not in primary school.

I’m mostly concerned that if he’s struggling so much with the workload of year six, how will he cope at secondary? Secondary school is incredibly taxing both mentally and emotionally and he doesn’t sound ready.

@outpinked no, I don’t think he is ready right now for secondary school. He’s quite a young 10 and sensitive & emotional. He’s got 9 months to develop yet and with our support, hopefully he will be more ready for the big change than is coming. The last thing I want to to is make him feel crap because he’s emotionally sensitive- hes a little kid

Oppsupside Then he needs help to deal with anxiety and stress. Because taking days off are not the way to deal with this.

I can see amongst my friends who has been brought up with a good worth ethic and who has not. It really shows and is independent of different personalities.

The attitudes on this thread are so depressing.

I have a relative who pushed themselves all through school. Never took a break. Amazing academics all the way to the end of uni.

They have not worked more than a few very part time minimum wage jobs in the last 15 years after being sectioned.

We all need to learn or limits both mental and physical and when to stop. I learnt mine working on some crazy jobs. I no longer work in those jobs. Constant pressure is not the way to get the best out of people.

Yes, developing his resilience but also developing his boundaries is also important if you have the type of hardworking/perfectionist child.

He is 10, this day is part of him learning those life skills which will carry him through the tough bits of life long after anyone has paid any attention to his SATS. Good luck helping him find a sensible balance.

You know your son: if you think this is what he needs, go for it.

I have very little time for people who prioritise attendance above wellbeing. It's that sort of attitude that's perpetuating the mental health crisis. That and the belief that the best way to deal with the increasing stress of modern life is to pile it on kids at a young age with the aim of getting them used to it.

‘Stress’ and ‘emotional meltdowns’ are absolutely mental health issues as they can cause mental health problems and make existing problems worse.

A relative of mine, similar age bracket to OP’s son started with stress and meltdowns and has now developed OCD, self harm and suicidal ideation.

Kids having to learn to deal with stress at 10 because the rest of their lives will be the same

Stress isn't always a bad thing, it challenges you and makes life interesting and learning to cope with it without exacerbating is a very important skill to start to learn from an early age. Being shielded and not learning coping mechanisms early can lead to problems later.

It's only when it is prolonged with no end in sight and excessive it becomes a serious problem.

WhoNose88 slightly different, adults can take annual leave, but kids get 2 weeks off at Christmas, 2 at Easter, 6 weeks in summer, plus half terms in between, and inset days here and there.

changing

There's a difference between pushing yourself continually until you break and not teaching kids resilience.

I used to work for the NHS and at one point, over 40% of our team were signed off with 'stress'.

How is that a good response? Is that really where we want to be as a country?

@hillarious I think he’ll be fine - i’ve never done it before - he normally loves school - he’s just been very upset this week.

I’m completely in two minds about this. If he normally loves school and has just had a bad week then I’d have been inclined to send him but I can totally understand your reasoning for keeping him off.

I do agree with @hillarious that you’ll need to be careful that he doesn’t see this as something he can do regularly. Allow him his day but I’d be starting to speak to him about resilience and grit. Some on here may think he’s too young but I know it’s somethjnf my own parents instilled in me from a young age.

FWIW I would’ve done the same OP. I think it’s important to make it clear to him though that it isn’t something that will happen regularly (if again at all) and speak to the school today so that you can work on managing his stress and anxiety together.

I think the 'attendance over all other considerations' is harmful.

Very like adults going into work, drugged up on day nurse and the like, when they should be resting and recuperating (and not spreading germs).

Bloody league tables and attendance certificates

I agree with obolov too sorry.

Things that cause us worry or upset are not mental health conditions.

@BrokenWing You would see it as the same thing, then - a child in school and an adult in the workplace?

In my case I knew that my son wasn't "getting headaches" because he was too lazy to go to school. He had the most godawful teacher, who called children "stupid" - we changed schools later, and half the class followed - and was honestly stressed out. Letting him take a limited number of days off actually ended up with him having fewer sick days - he was more honest with me about his problems as he didn't have to pretend to be ill to get a day off, so in fact we'd discuss and sort out the problems instead - and as I say, three days in ten years doesn't seem to have turned him into a shirker. But it probably does depend on the child.

Everybody here knows we are talking about a CHILD, right? A child that has not missed a day of school this term. Why are we treating our children as inexhaustible machines? Why is the average teenager in this country putting in more hours (between school lessons and homework) than the average working adult? Why are people in this thread talking about a child needing resilience through tears and stress as if he was in military training?

Have we all forgotten what childhood is about?

One of the things childhood is about is knowing your mum is there to cuddle up, listen to you and decide for you that you can feel bad inside and that you can "miss" one day of that thing called formal schooling -- which by the way we make it up to be the most important thing in this life and their future: IT IS NOT.

OP, your child, your decision.

My sister and I very occasionally did this when we were in school, we remained at or near the top of our subjects/classes regardless. Just make it clear that while dropping school when you want isn't an option, if he really needs it he can have a break, and that you trust him to make that distinction.

Being worried about a test is not a mental health condition, no. But "mental health" does not mean having a mental health condition any more than "physical health" means having a physical health condition.

Looking after your physical health includes things like getting up from your desk every now and then - and looking after your mental health does too.