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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 10 year old DS take a mental health day off school

271 replies

Oopupsideyourhead · 30/11/2018 10:35

10 year old DS has had several emotional meltdowns this week - he’s overwhelmed by school and very with out with year 6- I think he’s feeling the pressure.
I let him take a day off today- he’s in bed upstairs with a cup of tea looking much happier.
It’s his first day off since sept so was I being unreasonable to let him stay home? I feel guilty in terms of it being an important year but he really needed it Confused

OP posts:
Aridane · 30/11/2018 15:41

I think YABU and agree with Hishaishi

Aridane · 30/11/2018 15:41

I think YABU and agree with Hishaishi

Aridane · 30/11/2018 15:41

I think YABU and agree with Hishaishi

Aridane · 30/11/2018 15:41

I think YABU and agree with Hishaishi

Aridane · 30/11/2018 15:42

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY - don’t know what happened there

Angharad07 · 30/11/2018 15:51

Poor boy. I can’t believe the school system is doing this to 10 year olds, it’s so wrong. Yes, I think it’s perfectly ok as it’s his first day off since September.

areyoubeingserviced · 30/11/2018 15:53

YANBU
You know your son and it is obvious that his mental health is a concern.
A day off , just to rest can work wonders

Allaboutmeandyou · 30/11/2018 15:55

How many people either hate their job or are disillusioned, just carry on regardless because they need the money.
Teach them it's ok to not want to do something or it's fine to have a rest, when things get too much.

Yet this country voted leave so who's going to fill the jobs that the English don't want to do or are to good for.

Perfectly1mperfect · 30/11/2018 15:59

if the build up to SAT's was that stressful then op should've discussed this with the teacher before.

Teachers know that a lot of children feel under stress with SATs. There's not a lot they can do. A teachers saying 'try not to worry, just do your best' etc or even working on coping mechanisms won't really have much impact when 5 minutes later that same teacher is talking about what's in their SATs papers, giving them past papers to do under test conditions and sending letters home about the importance of doing the extra SATs preparation homework. As parents we know they are not important to the rest of their lives but the message they get from school, even if the school tries really hard for it not to be, is that these test are really important. Put that together with a few of their friends buying into that idea because they may be getting pressure from home and for some kids it's just overwhelming.

VeryQuaintIrene · 30/11/2018 16:01

While I feel compassion for your child's distress, it's not setting a very good example to lie about why he's not in school. And increasingly where I teach (university) actually I am getting a bit fed up with students who resort to claiming mental health problems any time anything hard is expected of them and who seem to have so little resilience, miss class, and then expect that I will pick up the pieces and get them through their work. Not saying this is the case here, of course, but it does resonate at the end of a semester when I've had to contend with an awful lot of feebleness from students (to whose faces I am the soul of compassion, by the way!)

eightoclock · 30/11/2018 16:02

As a one off I think it's ok, but he needs to learn to take the testing less seriously, getting stressed will not help to do better. I am not sure how you can do this though. What is it that's stressing him specifically? Is it the teacher putting pressure on/getting short tempered, or too long spent repeating things and missing out on fun stuff, or the practice tests, or worrying about not doing well?

It's a real shame it has come to this. I remember Y6 as a really fun year with lots of trips and outings. I'd be really angry if school was ruining my child's last year of primary like this!

eightoclock · 30/11/2018 16:04

VeryQuaintIrene agree - we also see students so worried about inconsequential things - their lives would be much better if they realised how lucky they were and got things in perspective - as well as taking on some responsibility for their own results. How to achieve this though?

Parker231 · 30/11/2018 16:14

I would be more concerned about what the school are doing to cause such stress in a 10 year old rather than the issue of missing a days school. Why is he being continually tested. It’s a waste of teaching time if the whole focus is on SATS. Are the school expecting children to do work outside school hours which a dreadful way of adding to unnecessary pressure. Believe me SATS results do not jeopardise good potential results in senior school.

Perfectly1mperfect · 30/11/2018 16:17

Is it the teacher putting pressure on/getting short tempered, or too long spent repeating things and missing out on fun stuff,

My son is very laid back and dealt with year 6 fine, but even he was slightly more concerned with school work before his SATs, so they must have really been piling the pressure on. Literally nothing stresses him! I remember him saying there was no fun stuff ever. They missed PE lessons and forest school often. No art, just SATs, SATs, SATs! It's 'the norm'. After SATs though it was all fun and they learnt precisely nothing from May until they left in July. Complete madness.

BackInTime · 30/11/2018 18:06

I think you did the right thing for your DS OP. My DS was ill all through Year 6 and was referred to the hospital for various tests, all inconclusive. At one point we were pretty worried that there was something seriously wrong and then all issues disappeared as soon as the SATs were over and he was back to his happy healthy self. His GP concluded that his problems were probably caused by stress and anxiety manifesting in physical symptoms and he said this was something he was seeing more often in kids of this age.

All the time I had asked DS he said that he wasn’t worried or stressed about SATs and he would repeat parrot fashion what his teacher had said about ‘SATs being for the school and not a measure of them as a person’. Although he might not have been able to articulate that he was mentally overwhelmed his body was telling him otherwise.

Do not underestimate the pressure these young kids are under.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 18:19

He was off at half term a few weeks ago though surely OP?

fibonaccisequins · 30/11/2018 18:20

I took a day off today (as annual leave) so I could have a long weekend. I fully admit I did it because I've had a stressful few months (medical tests) and I was sitting at my desk yesterday trudging through my work, when I realised I'm absolutely frikkin knackered. I know how lucky I am to be able to do this (DH is in academia so he gets the uni holidays, not the long summer ones but long enough, and can't take holidays outside of these times. He's fine. He still gets way over the statutory minimum I get!!) but I just felt like I needed a duvet day. And it was great. Again, I used annual leave, not sick time, before I get flamed for bringing industry to a halt, but I don't think YABU op. Your son needed a day. As long as he doesn't think it's going to happen every week, then I think it's fine to listen to his needs.

ForalltheSaints · 30/11/2018 18:23

Are you sure OP it is the pressure of tests, and not hiding something, particularly perhaps being bullied?

RockinHippy · 30/11/2018 18:56

As the mother of a DD who is easily stressed, worn out & overwhelmed. You are absolutely NBU. It totally wears them out. They need time to recharge. A day off when they feel like this helps them cope better in school & for longer & boosts their immunity too. So everyone wins xx

RockinHippy · 30/11/2018 19:04

SATs pressure can be ott in some schools, especially if results weren't so good last year. My DD thought it affected the stream she would be put into in high school, so was worried about doing badly & ending up in a disruptive class. They were telling the kids that, confirmed if you asked a the teacher. I rang the high school & it just wasn't true. Not really teaching them, just test after test in every lesson. It was so bad & the final straw, so I pulled her out of school a few months into year 6. Her next school were much better & she was much happier. Still stressed by SATs though, but second school were far more supportive than pressuring them

loveyouradvice · 30/11/2018 19:09

I'm a really big believer in mental health days - great training for the future. I never had them and just kept on pushing through.

We limit them to a max of three a term and seldom use more than one.

BackInTime · 30/11/2018 20:57

The culture of presenteeism is as bad as absenteeism and can result in less productivity and longer spells off work down the line.

How many of us are burdened by such heavy workloads, that we work through lunch, stay late and do not take annual leave or sick days for fear of falling behind. We are all expected to do more for less.

This is not healthy and it is not something that we should be instilling in 10 year olds.

worlybear · 30/11/2018 20:59

What a broken and joyless society we live in where children's mental health is given so little importance and a day off is treated by some as a heinous crime.
FWIW I think you did absolutely the right thing giving him a day off.
What are we doing to this new generation?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 30/11/2018 21:04

YANBU you can be emotionally warn out just as you can be physically warn out. If he was so physically exhausted as a result of school he was getting ill you'd give him a day off. As it is he's emotionally exhausted to the extent he's melting down, he needs a day off.

There are a lot of people who feel it's somehow brave and commendable to completely neglect you're well being for the sake of school/college/employers. It's not.

colouringinpro · 01/12/2018 00:39

What worly said x