To let my 10 year old DS take a mental health day off school

[Oopupsideyourhead]

10 year old DS has had several emotional meltdowns this week - he’s overwhelmed by school and very with out with year 6- I think he’s feeling the pressure.
I let him take a day off today- he’s in bed upstairs with a cup of tea looking much happier.
It’s his first day off since sept so was I being unreasonable to let him stay home? I feel guilty in terms of it being an important year but he really needed it

I would ask what was happening with management that means 40 per cent of the team are signed off with stress. Workloads too high? Unachievable goals? Poor team support? Sure there are people who take advantage sometimes but generally people want to do a good job on my experience. People don't choose a job to be crap at it.

That is why I said there needs to be a balance. One day in year 6 to help support developing that resilience is fine. Burn out is real and we need to teach our children to see signs of it and take action to prevent it earlier. So one day off, rather than 6 months down the line. Ploughing on through everything is not always the long term best answer.

I actually agree with Oblomov, about the distinction that needs to be between real MH issue and stresses that are part of everyday life.

Actually I fully DISAGREE with that.
No one experiences the same sort of stress in front of the same situation. It wouod be like someone telling you that you have no right to be depressed and devastated by your miscarriage because YOU weren’t devastated so there is no reason for them to depressed (aka have a MH issue) for something that happens to a lot of people and in a lot of pregnancies.
Or when someone is off work for a month for stress when really it’s only work stress. Wouod you really say it’s not a MH problem because it’s ‘just’ normal everyday life stress???

Oop tbh whether it was or wasn’t the right thing to do is actually quite hard to say wo actually really knowing your child. You will be the best person to know if he was that overwhelemed that he needed the break or not.
Butbthe best thing you can do is to work with him and the teacher. I wouod go and see the teacher and have a chat with him/her. See if there is an issue with your dc been perfectionist or feeling that whatever they do is never good enough (always striving to get a better score etc....)
Then when you are at home, talk about feelings. How does he feel about xxx? Does he know why? What is his expectations for himself and what does he believe your expectations are?
Build his self esteem as much as you can and teach him resilience. A test where he made a mistake is an opportunity to learn. Not the end of world etc....

I agree that some of stresses linked wth exams are ‘normal stresses’ but I disagree that children need to ‘just learn to deal wth it’ wo appropriate supportand input.
I’m also very aware that exams are one of the big causes of MH issues in teenagers. So dismissing that sort fo stress as been normal and not MH is actually quite demeaning for the teenagers who tried to kill themseves due to the stress of GCSE for example.
Instead, I feel that the answer is for parents (but also teachers - they have A LOT to do with how much pressure children arevfeeling over the SATS) to show ways to handle learning/making mistakes/exam pressure in the most appropriate ways.

@sally to be honest, he wouldn’t normally want to not be in school as he hates missing stuff. That’s why i knew there was more to it- my childminder said he had been upset too this week. I have talked to him about it and It is pressure- it’s the pace of the work etc. He’s doing well in school & will achieve what he needs to in SATS so have reassured him and will ask his teacher to do the same.

@ladytramp Thankyou!

What Worra said way back there

Learning to be resilient is a very important part of growing up

Of course there will be a section that doesn't agree with this and sees it as a crime against humanity to allow anyone or anything to put a bit of stress on their precious children. You do them no favours. No matter how much you wish it was all unicorns, rainbows and bunnyhops - it ain't and the sooner they realise this the better.
Give them ways of coping. Opting out is not one of these.

I don’t think people are saying “well life is crap, get used to it early on”, they’re saying learn coping mechanisms without just taking a day off, or pulling a sickie, which doesn’t necessarily help. As pp have said, the same stress will still be there the next day and you haven’t learned to deal with it. People need to get better at knowing how to deal with stress, as unfortunately there will always be something to stress about. But learn ways to help, that you can take to adulthood, and adapt as necessary.
Don’t bottle it up and lie, talk about why you’re stressed, how it makes you feel, what would make you feel better, write a plan. Our school have targets written into the children’s termly plans, what they can do if their wellbeing is low. Things like talk to a trusted teacher, talk to a friend, ask to go to a quiet learning area, play sport at lunchtime.

Include your DS in the discussion with school, so you can all be clear on what he should do if things get too much.

"Why are we treating our children as inexhaustible machines?"

Well they get 6 weeks off in summer, 2 weeks in winter, 2 weeks at easter etc, so that's a bit of an exaggeration.

"I would ask what was happening with management that means 40 per cent of the team are signed off with stress. Workloads too high? Unachievable goals? Poor team support? Sure there are people who take advantage sometimes but generally people want to do a good job on my experience. People don't choose a job to be crap at it."

Trust me, the majority were taking advantage.

As a mental health professional I struggle with the shout of "mental health" when people are experiencing things within a normal range if human experience (moderate stress, short periods of low mood etc). Self care is 100% important, but this needs to be a regular thing, not an excuse to opt out of normal expectations. So I think YABU and should be focusing on building resilience instead, this is normally a better choice than avoiding difficult experiences.

For the people comparing physical and mental health in this context, I would totally support having time away from school when someone needs to recover from a mental health problem, but "mental health days" like these seem to happen in case someone gets a mental health problem, not as a result of one, and I don't think most of us would take a day off in case we get sick.

According to the BBC even where schools do use SATs for setting they are doing so in conjunction with in-house testing and liaison with local feeder primaries. Worth remembering SATs only test the 3Rs. If this is the focus when a DC is 10 they are not going to cope with breadth at secondary.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-44126030

I like this balanced approach to school tests of all sorts.

"Sleep, rest, believe and sparkle."

I have no problem with this OP.

*This thread makes me feel so sad.
Kids having to learn to deal with stress at 10 because the rest of their lives will be the same sad.

The worst thing is - it's true.*

Absolutely! they have done a real number on us! SAT's are horrid, do nothing for children, and are appalling policy from metrics obsessed governments who do not trust teachers as professionals and want to micromanage and control everything, but instead of saying fuck that and refusing to collude we are falling over ourselves to teach children as young as 10 "resilience"

yes, stress can be a good thing, if it is short lived and in the context of a worthwhile goal that the person themselves are motivated to achieve, but not for government's box ticking, thank you very much! not my child! I have homeschooled in the past due to traveling and would do it again if circumstances such as the OP's arose.

same thing with work, in toxic work environments, with abuse, unreasonable workloads, shit wages, whatever, we tell ourselves we just have to get on with it, be resilient!

how about a bit of collective action to fight back on both fronts instead?

Re teaching children to recognise burnout and to take a day off to recover.
I agree with the idea of recongnising burn out and learning to look after yourself.
I disagree that the answer is a day off work/school.
The answer to burnout is a DAILY mindfulness about yourself, and how much you have to give. It’s learning to put boundaries up and say NO to things that are too much for you and maybe not so important (for you. They usually are important to other people). It’s having a routine to look after yourself - having enough sleep, exercising, time to relax everyday, eating well etc etc
Some of those things are way beyond a chil’s maturity. A lot of the rest is in the hands of the PARENT (the sleep, exercise, diet for example).
It also starts with the parents themseves been able to MODEL those behaviours.

I think that you could have a quick word with his teacher about how he's coping with the stress. I think the school do need to know. We had a walk-out sort of protest by the teachers at one point over the ridiculous amount of pressure visited on children by sats, I seem to remember.

Teachers will pile the pressure on the kids because they want to make their school look good. Take him out tomorrow for a fun day out that will help relax him.

but how do I know that the stresses my son is feeling know won’t lead to more serious mental health issues later in his life?

He is 10 years old do you suffer with MH yourself. That's a very worrying statement to come out with.

Have you picked the best secondary school for your son in your local area because the best schools out there give a lot of support. If you are worried about YR7 I would rethink where you are sending him.

I have to say too that I am not sure how we can put kids resilience to stress on a par with an adults. Kids are learning still- just because they have lots of holidays doesn’t mean that these things don’t happen and they shouldn’t have days off if they feel crap.

Personally I think it has given him the wrong message.

I was commenting on the idea that the phrase "mental health" should only be used when talking about mental health conditions, rather than to talk about good mental health.

I had the chance to give my daughter a brilliant experience last week but it involved sneaking a day off school. I feel no guilt and we had an amazing day. I have a life limiting illness and DC live with that every day and it impacts their lives. You know your son.

As a mental health professional I struggle with the shout of "mental health" when people are experiencing things within a normal range if human experience (moderate stress, short periods of low mood)

I think this is really naive. What is ‘normal’? The education system has changed fundamentally since I was in school. The pressure has increased exponentially.

I went to one of the most academic + uni in the country and I never experienced the kind of stress and pressure I commonly see among children now. There wasn’t same kind of pressure in the 80s. No-one had tutors, unless someone was actually struggling in a subject and going to fail. There were no league tables. Or teacher targets. Or social media.

Even so a girl at my school committed suicide during A levels, and I saw people have breakdowns and EDs at uni who couldn’t cope with the ‘stress’ which was arguably ‘normal’ for other students.

12 students have now killed themselves at Bristol uni in 2 years. In my day Bristol was a doss uni. Good but not a huge amount of work.

It may be that what in our education system is now considered ‘normal’ is actually too much stress for some if not many children.

Ok you might want to talk to school about it. My daughter who is also year 6 was having a hard time and said she wished she was no longer alive.

We got her counselling through school who have to do the referrals to cahms and has improved so much.

But they are prepubescent at this age so lots of hormonal changes.

^^ that is meant to say:

I went to one of the most academic schools + uni in the country.

allaboutme I have to disagree

but how do I know that the stresses my son is feeling know won’t lead to more serious mental health issues later in his life?
He is 10 years old do you suffer with MH yourself. That's a very worrying statement to come out with.

Seeing the levels of MH problems experience by teenagers and the reasons for that, I wouod want to take some actions NOW with a 10yo who is struggling with exams in Y6. It’s not about having MH issues myself but been aware that it happens and it’s never a one off, has suddenly happen thing but a slow build up over the years.
Eg I’m not worried about my teens MH but then I also keep an eye on it. Dc2 has had a lot of anxiety in the past, Dc1 has suffered what are basically very bad tension headaches. Unless I’m doing something to support them, there is no reason why these issues will disappear all on their own.

Have you picked the best secondary school for your son in your local area because the best schools out there give a lot of support. If you are worried about YR7 I would rethink where you are sending him.

Hahaha. Because you have a CHOICE of where to send your dc? We don’t. Only one school in the catchment area. The other close school is oversubscribed. Going a bit further and the other schools are .... hmmm... let’s say not the best ones in the country.
I have yet to find a school where we are that are actually supporting children in that way.
I always find it ludicrous when posters come with those statements that assume you have a choice and there are really good schools around you. For plenty of people, there is no choice.

Of course there will be a section that doesn't agree with this and sees it as a crime against humanity to allow anyone or anything to put a bit of stress on their precious children. You do them no favours. No matter how much you wish it was all unicorns, rainbows and bunnyhops - it ain't and the sooner they realise this the better.

This just nasty. What a spiteful post to make.