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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not sleep with my husband because I hate his moustache?

281 replies

creepymoustache · 28/11/2018 23:00

DH has been working away for months. He recently came home for 2 weeks leave with a moustache. He knows my feelings about facial hair. I don't mind moustaches so long as I don't need to go anywhere near them but the thought of kissing him or doing anything more with it on his face literally repulsed me. I normally find DH extremely attractive but I just couldn't see past it.

I had friends over at the weekend and I told them that I hadn't had sex with DH when he was home because I can't bare the moustache. They couldn't believe this since he was gone for months and is now gone for months again. It's left me wondering. Was I BU? Should I have just pretended it wasn't there or can anyone relate? Is anyone similarly turned off by facial hair or is it just me who has this problem?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 29/11/2018 09:40

I get it op, there are things I can't go near that are irrational, like tomato ketchup. If dp eats some I feel physically repulsed and no way could I kiss him after.

gamerchick · 29/11/2018 09:42

busybarbara, sex shouldn't be a chore. No one should feel obligated to sleep with someone, whether they want to or not.
I feel like it's the 1950's on this thread

This poster likes to be contrary, has some funny ideas about relationships.

SoyDora · 29/11/2018 09:44

But we're blissfully happy the rest of the time so I'm not going to question 10 years of happiness over 2 weeks of stupidity!

And I get what you’re saying, honestly. I just can’t imagine a scenario where my DH wouldn’t say ‘honestly if you hate it that much I’ll get rid of it’. It seems bizarre that he stuck to his guns for the entire 2 weeks, despite knowing how you felt about it.

yorkiemummy · 29/11/2018 09:46

I find beards totally repulsive and refused to have sex with my ex DH when he grew one, in fact I actually made him sleep in the spare room as I couldn't even bring myself to be in the same bed as him so I totally agree with you OP YANBU

explodingkitten · 29/11/2018 09:47

Please don't use the word phobia unless you have been officially diagnosed. It takes away the meaning and importance of the word. That's bad and creates disbelieve for people with real phobias.

Everyone has a phobia nowadays. My nephew has a phobia of homework.

TheRealJoseph · 29/11/2018 09:54

He can be ridiculously stubborn.

And so are you, by the sound of it.

Catsandbootsandbootsandcats · 29/11/2018 10:04

I feel the same about moustaches. Not beards though, though I'm not particularly keen on them especially the really long ones.

Moustaches are just a huge turn off and I can't think of anyone who looks attractive with one. Even my huge celebrity crush looked like shit with one.

Sheitgeist · 29/11/2018 10:22

Please don't use the word phobia unless you have been officially diagnosed

This is important. I often see mention of OCD on here too, which really grinds my gears.
There is such a thing as strong dislike which, while unpleasant, is not a medical condition, thus needn't be treated as though it were.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 29/11/2018 10:30

I understand OP, I hate the feel of facial hair touching me, especially spiky, whilst I hate to admit it a beard looks better on my DP than a moustache, I just cant have it touch me. I physically cringe and stiffen up, no idea why but it makes me feel really weird. Im thinking it relates to my sensory issues. Luckily he is clean and wjen he insists on growing the nasty thing he does take care of it, he just happens to have really coarse hair.
I'm not a great fan of the clean shave either (tho i do make a fuss...worth it for face pube removal) I have a bit of a thing for a few days stubble on him...it makes me melt! And most importantly it gets really soft!!!
I sound terrible really but DP is just as bad, he also prefers I'm clean shaven downstairs, so I think I have full rights to complain about his face pubes! For what its worth he doesnt care if I have wild woman legs, eyebrows and armpits lol.

mrsmuddlepies · 29/11/2018 10:37

I have a friend whose husband has always hated tattoos. When she turned 60 she got a tattoo. As she said, her body, her right.
Her husband recognised that she had a right to do as she wished with her body. He has totally accepted it but then he is not a controlling spouse.

Lollypop27 · 29/11/2018 10:51

@hohocabbage but it is abuse. She didn’t have sex, kiss or cuddle her husband because he had grown a moustache and would not shave it off. It’s manipulation. If he would of done what she told him to do then she would of given him those things. I completely agree with you that no one should have sex when they don’t want to but when you use it as a tool to assert power and blackmail someone it makes you an abuser.

I wanted sex last night and my Dh didn’t as he was tired. That’s fine. If he had said he wasn’t having sex with me because I hadn’t waxed my eyebrows, I physically replulses him and he would be withholding kisses, cuddles and any intimacy until I looked how he wanted me to look, I would tell him to FOTTFSOF and would be looking at leaving the relationship.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/11/2018 10:58

She's not blackmailing him. She simply doesn't feel attracted to him. She shouldn't have to fake it.
It is never manipulation or control to not have sex with someone you don't fancy.

ButchyRestingFace · 29/11/2018 10:58

Please don't use the word phobia unless you have been officially diagnosed. It takes away the meaning and importance of the word. That's bad and creates disbelieve for people with real phobias.

Pogonophobia is the official term for beard/moustache phobia.

Thanks, Google! Grin

ButchyRestingFace · 29/11/2018 11:02

It is never manipulation or control to not have sex with someone you don't fancy.

Not sure I wholly agree with that. Just imagine a controlling husband saying to a spouse, "well, I don't fancy you because you keep answering me back/don't do exactly what I say so no sex. Can't have sex with someone who doesn't do what I say I don't fancy."

The reasons for not "fancying" someone surely have a part to play in whether the refusal is manipulative or controlling.

Which is entirely different from not having sex with someone because you don't want to have sex.

Sheitgeist · 29/11/2018 11:05

She simply doesn't feel attracted to him. She shouldn't have to fake it. It is never manipulation or control to not have sex with someone you don't fancy

Were not talking a random on the street, though, but her husband, whom she claims to love and have a wonderful relationship with. Obviously, she doesn't ever have to sleep with her husband if she doesn't want to, but she's not saying that, she's saying: I will only sleep with you if you change x about yourself.
That is controlling, coercive and manipulative.

Original poster
creepymoustache · 29/11/2018 11:11

I have never ever told him he has to shave it. Only that I'm not attracted to him while he has a moustache because of my issues with them so therefore I can't have sex with him. It's his call. He has made the decision to keep it for his 2 weeks leave and have it shaved for next time he's home. That's his decision to make, his body. Don't see how I'm being abusive to him because I'm not attracted to him. If I could grin & bear it I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
creepymoustache · 29/11/2018 11:12

I do think it's a selfish decision but it's his choice none the less.

OP posts:
Sheitgeist · 29/11/2018 11:16

I have never ever told him he has to shave it. Only that I'm not attracted to him while he has a moustache because of my issues with them so therefore I can't have sex with him

Same blooming difference!

It's his call

No, it seems it's yours. To have the relationship you had before, he has to not have something that he has desperately always wanted to have.
And you call HIM selfish and stubborn? Confused

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/11/2018 11:28

She's saying that the moustache removes any feeling of sexual attraction. You can love someone and not fancy them. She's not feigning lack of attraction in order to make him shave, she genuinely is repulsed by it. It's not the same as an abusive relationship where everything the abuser says/does is designed to control their victim.

Original poster
creepymoustache · 29/11/2018 11:34

Thank you IWannaSeeHowItEnds! You've explained that much better than I could.

OP posts:
CoughCoughSneeze · 29/11/2018 11:34

I’m glad you’re confident in your marriage, because it feels like this is about a lot more than a moustache to me.

You now haven’t had any physical intimacy with your husband for 4.5 months because you’d prefer to hold on to your belief that you have a phobia, rather than address the reasons you feel this way.

HPLikecraft · 29/11/2018 11:36

But Iwanna we never hear defences like that of DHs or male DPs who dictate that their female partners must shave their pubic areas, not get a tattoo, whatever... that's controlling and shallow.

This is no different. Surely there is more to attraction than physical looks? There are plenty of people around whom I can see are physically good looking, but I'm not attracted to them and don't want to shag them. It's not just about looks.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/11/2018 11:45

It's not about looks HP, but it is about attraction.
And I said up thread that if my husband really, genuinely hated something I was doing appearance wise, I'd stop doing it.
I think you do have to consider a partner's preferences to a degree.

chillpizza · 29/11/2018 11:45

I couldn’t go near dh if he had grown a beard or tash they are revolting to me. I met him, dated him, was engaged and now married to him without a beard or tash. If he suddenly grew one now then no I wouldn’t have sex with him or kiss him because they repulse me and I would kiss or have sex with someone who repulsed me.

I expect dh would likely feel the same is any all these years I suddenly stopped shaving my arm pits or legs like I have always done.

chillpizza · 29/11/2018 11:46

I wouldn’t not I would.

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