The poor woman and the seat situation on the bus

[A1aia]

I was on the bus with DH just now. He was standing in the front area and I had just sat down on one of the priority seats when a couple, I would say in their late 50s, got on. The woman put all her bags in the bag compartment, but she was bent over it and looked exhausted or ill. I stood up as I was in a priority seat and then, to my disbelief, quick as a flash, the DH swished by me and plonked himself down! People were looking and I didn’t know what to say. DH said, “I think your wife might need that seat.” This is what followed, I couldn’t believe it..,”She’s dragged me out so mind your own fg business mate.” . DH asked the woman if she was ok and she looked close to tears. Another woman got up from one of the raised seats in the side and DH told the man he should be ashamed. The man went into a tirade about being an ex miner and “mind your own business you fng toff.” I have never seen anything like it on buses in my life. DH told him to stop offending the bus. The man was shouting and swearing - he accused DH of standing over him and threatening him and was saying he had a whole bus of witnesses. DH had to stand over him though because there was nowhere to sit! This went on for about 5 mins and when we got off the man shouted “f off you c*s.”
AIBU to think DH was not wrong to tell this man to give his wife a seat? We were only on the bus because the Westfield parking is so bad, but I was shaking I was so livid with this man’s attitude. Nobody else on the bus said anything.

amic I'm included to agree. If he's going to kick off later he'll do it either way.

If you really wanted to help this woman you would not do it by triggering her husband into a state of rage, he's dangerous and now he's even more dangerous

giving another man a telling off in public, as if he were a child, telling him he should be ashamed of himself where did he think that would go?

did he think the ex miner would say 'sorry governor you got me bang to rights I'll never do that again, thank you for showing me the error of my ways'

no he wanted to rip your husband to pieces
but instead when he gets home he will rip his wife to pieces
makes no mistake about that

I agree that he will find some excuse, any excuse, to take it out on his wife. However, every other person in that bus saw him being pulled up on his behaviour. Every other person that that bus saw that his behaviour was unacceptable. Perhaps the OP's DH's actions will make someone else think twice before they behave in the same way.

He won't see it as taking it out on his wife he will regard it as rightly punishing his wife

If you were the abused wife on the bus what would you want onlookers to do?

Word - I take your point, but you can’t not challenge people for fear of what they repercussions may or may not be. If you saw a child being shouted at it mistreated in public, should you not intervene in case the parent took it out in them later? Any man who would humiliate his wife like that probably beyond help, yes. But that’s no reason to leave them under the impression that they go unnoticed because they don’t - everyone in that bus was thinking the same thing.

Your DH did the right thing. The bloke was a buckle dragging thug. Yes, there will probably be repercussions on his wife, but there would have been if he'd stood the whole journey anyway.
Let's hope she sees sense and leaves the imbecile.

nuckle not buckle

Why do you assume the woman needs the seat more than the man? The man may have been as equally exhausted or have had a medical condition etc. It is NONE of your or your husbands business to decide that a WOMAN is more entitled to a seat than a MAN which is essentially what this comes down to.

Perhaps the intervention will be the final piece in the jigsaw puzzle which will make his wife realise that his behaviour is unacceptable, normal people don't react in that way and that she's better off without him.

@wordthe well we can only hope this incident has helped the woman see that the onlookers can tell her husband is a horrible POS to her and whatever emotional & mental manipulation she’s under from him weakens great enough for her to leave then.

Op I wish more people were like your husband.

It annoys me when people say ‘what if they’re disabled’ my son has an invisible disability which leads to having to frequently explain this to strangers. It’s not nice to feel like you have to justify everything, but it is what it is. I’m 99.999% sure he would (or his wife would) have mentioned that he had a disability, so can we please stop using it as some kind of ‘excuse’ for his actions?

Why do you assume the woman needs the seat more than the man?

I think the OP explained why she thought this.

Do you think it's perfectly fine for people to yell insults and obscenities at people in public, just because they might have been a bit nosy?

knuckle - oops, sorry - it's late

I also do take your point wordthe

But when I was the woman with the ea husband id have loved the strangers on the bus to call him out.

That said i might not feel the same way if I was with a physically violent man.

Personally if anyone commented on something to so with my life that they had NO idea about I would also tell them where to go...

My initial kneejerk reaction was that the guy is a dick, but on reflection I'm not sure we should assume that women are any less capable of standing than men.

If they were elderly there's a strong likelihood he was older than her and possibly more likely to suffer from bad joints etc. If we want equality then surely women don't get special treatment by default.

I am absolutely not suggesting that any sort of blind eye should be turned to abusive behaviour.

I dont know what the most helpful response to this scenario would be.

If I'd been on that bus I'd probably still be very upset and disturbed by the events.
I am sorry if I have seemed critical of the OP, it must have been horrendous and I would be in turmoil had I been in your shoes

So was it John and Rachel from 90 Day Fiance?

So awful. Sounds like the best pick me up for his wife is a divorce, and quick!

People often do not know the whole story. About ten years ago my DH had a bad back injury with disc prolapses confirmed by MRI scan and was off work for months.

All I wanted was for him to get better and we went on a holiday towards the end of the period he was off work. Two young and fit men sat near us on the plane home, we chatted and they seemed nice enough.

We collected our luggage and they shared the same bus to the long stay car park. I did all the handling of the suitcases on and off the bus, as DH was just not fit enough to do it and I would not have booked the holiday if I could not have managed this. As a single woman travelling no-one would have blinked an eyelid at a woman carrying her own cases, really no big deal.

The two young men took the p* out of my DH because he "let the woman" carry the cases on and off the bus. I could see DH was really upset with tears welling up and explained that he had recently had an injury which meant he just could not lift the cases, but that I was quite OK with this and could manage perfectly well. At this point they looked shamefaced and shut up. It is not always how it seems.

I think that’s quite different though Autumn because you explained why he was letting you carry the bags and that was the end of it. Your DH did not become verbally abusive.

I was once verbally abused by a man, pribably in his 60s, in a car park over a parking non-incident. The second I challenged him he called me a “f*g s*t” - straight off! Plus other choice language. Bullying men are so totally arrogant that they can’t compute any challenge to their behaviour. When they instantly resort to the lowest common denominator of foul language it says it all. I told him he was the first person in 40 years to ever call me that and I used to work in the youth justice system, so I hope he was proud of himself. The worst thing was, his wife was with him. She must have been mortified - how could you tolerate being with a man who reaches his 60s and still thinks it’s ok to speak to women like that? This man on the bus today was the same type. No self-respect.

I think that little by little society is starting to face down these types

I have been verbally abused by random men in the street and I always felt as if there was some instinct inside me telling me to just keep quiet and not react

I suppose it comes down to how safe you feel in the circumstances that you find yourself
I would only ever confront a man as a last resort, I would fear retaliation

I don't know if that makes me a coward?

Yes I got a mouthful of abuse in a car park, I had tried to park in a spot, it was too small (I am a good parker) so I moved to another spot. A man who was waiting to park gave me a mouthful of abuse! I used my best cut glass mummy tones and said calmly "oh dear you are an angry little man aren't you" head tilt. Ha. He went puce and gratifyingly also failed to fit into the space!
TWAT!

If the husband had a medical condition, the woman would've thanked your DH for the seat and then offered it to her husband. I hope she runs after this incident.

Yes good on you for trying to do the right thing .you did nothing wrong and there is no excuse for his behaviour.