Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The poor woman and the seat situation on the bus

185 replies

A1aia · 28/11/2018 15:28

I was on the bus with DH just now. He was standing in the front area and I had just sat down on one of the priority seats when a couple, I would say in their late 50s, got on. The woman put all her bags in the bag compartment, but she was bent over it and looked exhausted or ill. I stood up as I was in a priority seat and then, to my disbelief, quick as a flash, the DH swished by me and plonked himself down! People were looking and I didn’t know what to say. DH said, “I think your wife might need that seat.” This is what followed, I couldn’t believe it..,”She’s dragged me out so mind your own fg business mate.” Shock. DH asked the woman if she was ok and she looked close to tears. Another woman got up from one of the raised seats in the side and DH told the man he should be ashamed. The man went into a tirade about being an ex miner and “mind your own business you fng toff.” I have never seen anything like it on buses in my life. DH told him to stop offending the bus. The man was shouting and swearing - he accused DH of standing over him and threatening him and was saying he had a whole bus of witnesses. DH had to stand over him though because there was nowhere to sit! This went on for about 5 mins and when we got off the man shouted “f off you c*s.”
AIBU to think DH was not wrong to tell this man to give his wife a seat? We were only on the bus because the Westfield parking is so bad, but I was shaking I was so livid with this man’s attitude. Nobody else on the bus said anything.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/11/2018 16:34

Well exactly empmalsa

Innocentconglomeration · 28/11/2018 16:36

My mum had terminal cancer. She was also bloody minded, infuriating, emotionally manipulative and bloody awkward. Just because she got cancer, the rest of those things didn't stop.

She was still awkward, nasty, sharp tongued, twisted, argumentative and all the rest, she was just all those things but with cancer.

I got phone calls at all hours of night to go and get and go and fetch and I have cancer don'tchaknow. I got come and take me and then when we got there bursting into tears and I don't want to be here she made me come and shop assistants giving me the side eye because "I have cancer and..."

Seriously, it's a snapshot. I've been in tears because of what my mother made me do and how she made me look and the way she treated me, and I can see how if someone had had a go at me I might have told them to fuckthefuck off.

AtlasShrugged · 28/11/2018 16:36

I think your husband was wrong for getting involved in other people's bussiness like that.

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2018 16:37

Honestly, I think your husband made his point when he said he thought the wife needed the seat. He didn't need to escalate it by saying the man should be ashamed. What did he think would happen, the bloke would say yes, you're right mate, thanks for pointing that out.

So he made his point, he should have left it there.

On the flip side, I've no clue why a couple of posters are defending rhe abusive bus guy. Thr mind boggles it really does.

Sarahjconnor · 28/11/2018 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clothrabbit · 28/11/2018 16:39

I'm stunned at some of the replies on here. The OP's DH said politely "I think your wife might need that seat" and got a mouthful of abuse that also included slagging his wife who was standing nearby exhausted and close to tears.

But still some posters cannot resist conjuring up scenarios that make this behaviour okay.

Regardless of whether the man was feeling ill or exhausted or had a hidden disability, his aggressive, rude and foul mouthed response to a polite comment was unacceptable.

ScreamingValenta · 28/11/2018 16:40

I would worry that the man will 'punish' his wife for what happened on the bus. I think it would have been better just to help the wife get a seat; perhaps by asking her if she needed one to prompt someone else to move (as they eventually did).

There's no excuse for the man's aggressive tirade. It is possible that he genuinely needed a seat but his reaction was way out of proportion. However, the possibility that he did genuinely need it would be another reason for focusing your efforts on trying to help his wife without calling out his initial behaviour in taking the seat.

Innocentconglomeration · 28/11/2018 16:43

I remember one day being in B&M and my mother pushing past everyone and sitting down on two chairs that were just out on display. And me standing holding on to the aisle end and the tears were jsut about tripping me.

She looked fine. She wasn't. She had terminal cancer. I looked tired and exhaused. I'd been up all night and doing a full time job and looking after my own kids as well as seeing to her but she had to have her make up on and was looking immaculate. I was in no make up needed a shower adn was running on empty.

he probably was an arse, but it's a snapshot and if he was it isn't going to change him.

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 28/11/2018 16:44

A medical condition called Nasty Bastard maybe.

Ill or not there is no need to be such an arsehole.

Peakypolly · 28/11/2018 16:44

Mumsnet hey?
We say LTB if DH leaves the washing up overnight yet, in the case of this abusive twunt, we should hold fire in case he doesn't feel 100%?

Lweji · 28/11/2018 16:45

@Innocentconglomeration
But wouldn't you have said something if someone challenged your mum?

Ohshitwhatnext · 28/11/2018 16:46

i'd have had a beating for that if I was the man's wife. hopefully he's not that much of a arse.

TheNavigator · 28/11/2018 16:51

He is a shit for not offering his wife the seat - if he really had a medical condition (aye, that'll be right) she would surely have said 'no darling, you need the seat more than me'. What husband nicks a seat under the nose of his wife? My DH and I would be doing the 'you have the seat/are you sure?' dance of politeness and consideration. I cannot believe anyone could try and find a convoluted reason to defend this man's actions.

Innocentconglomeration · 28/11/2018 16:51

to be honest possibly not. i was so so shattered and fucked off with her that day. she was as selfish as fuck and that didn't change just because she got cancer. I can even remember what the seats were like they were fake brown leather things. funny what sticks in your head. A set of two. £59.

She was all for taking the hand of anything - she got a disabled sticker and was so gleeful at being able to use a disabled space it was as weird as anything.

Shrug. The man was most likely an arse. but what good would it do to tell him so? Might have made the woman's life harder, certainly at 50-odd it's unlikely to have made him change.

whatsthestory123 · 28/11/2018 16:52

i dont care if he was ill he sounds a nasty piece of work

poor women i can imagine she leads a miserable life

empmalswa · 28/11/2018 16:53

i dont care if he was ill he sounds a nasty piece of work

Based on that one moment...

poor women i can imagine she leads a miserable life

That's the problem, too many people with a huge imagination. Nobody has any idea what the truth is.

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2018 16:53

Good for your dh for saying something. Too many people stay quiet. Whether the man was disabled or not if I give up my seat for someone I expect them to get it not some other entitled jerk. In early pregnancy I couldn’t travel without a seat - I don’t look disabled or pregnant so I ask. It’s not that hard.

BarbarianMum · 28/11/2018 16:55

Men who hit their wives beat them when they want to beat them. If this guy wanted to beat that poor woman, he'd have found a reason whether anyone challenged him or not.

Coyoacan · 28/11/2018 16:55

no one ever says anything on public transport, us Brits are so bloody pathetic when it comes to these situations

It's not being British, it is common sense, really. I live in Mexico City and Mexicans, says that is the trouble with Mexico, nobody ever says anything. However just as the OP's situation escalated, I witnessed a similar situation escalate on a crowded Metro train and it was bloody dangerous for us all.

Still I too would have said something or at least insisted that he gave me my seat back as you weren't standing up to give him the seat in the first place.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/11/2018 16:58

Well if that is a snap shot of their lives god help them

Confusedbeetle · 28/11/2018 16:58

This man may well abuse his wife, however, I disagree with posters who say he should not be called out over his behaviour. Too many people keep quiet. That doesn't help her either. He should be shamed. She should know she is supported

TonTonMacoute · 28/11/2018 16:58

YANBU. Well done to your DH. How can we stand up to bullies if we all mind our own business?

whatsthestory123 · 28/11/2018 16:58

no based on his reactions/language and general behaviour

yes i will judge

people that talk and act like that dont spend the other 99% of their time helping old ladies across the road

AdamNichol · 28/11/2018 16:59

If I implied that his behaviour was defensible, then I haven't explained myself well. His attitude was appalling.

ShadyLady53 · 28/11/2018 17:01

My ex did almost exactly the same except we were both around 30 at the time and it was a five hour train ride. I had a raging temperature and have an underlying heart condition and we had to go down to London for part of our MA course which I would have failed if I hadn’t attended.

It was a power game for him and unfortunately I couldn’t see how he was emotionally abusive he was until I realised if I had children with him that he would treat them the same way that he treated me.

Sadly it’s probably totally normal for the poor woman and she’s used to regularly suffering so much that she’s become numb and just accepted it. Good on your OH and the people who stood up to him. Nobody ever pointed out the error of my exes ways to him, only to me, so he could act like I was crazy when I tried to tell him it wasn’t normal to be so lacking in empathy.