The poor woman and the seat situation on the bus

[A1aia]

I was on the bus with DH just now. He was standing in the front area and I had just sat down on one of the priority seats when a couple, I would say in their late 50s, got on. The woman put all her bags in the bag compartment, but she was bent over it and looked exhausted or ill. I stood up as I was in a priority seat and then, to my disbelief, quick as a flash, the DH swished by me and plonked himself down! People were looking and I didn’t know what to say. DH said, “I think your wife might need that seat.” This is what followed, I couldn’t believe it..,”She’s dragged me out so mind your own fg business mate.” . DH asked the woman if she was ok and she looked close to tears. Another woman got up from one of the raised seats in the side and DH told the man he should be ashamed. The man went into a tirade about being an ex miner and “mind your own business you fng toff.” I have never seen anything like it on buses in my life. DH told him to stop offending the bus. The man was shouting and swearing - he accused DH of standing over him and threatening him and was saying he had a whole bus of witnesses. DH had to stand over him though because there was nowhere to sit! This went on for about 5 mins and when we got off the man shouted “f off you c*s.”
AIBU to think DH was not wrong to tell this man to give his wife a seat? We were only on the bus because the Westfield parking is so bad, but I was shaking I was so livid with this man’s attitude. Nobody else on the bus said anything.

Not everyone in poor health shows it.

Why did you dh carry it on though? When after his first comment it was obvious he wasn’t going to move surely you realise that all will happen is trouble?

Everyone also seems to have jumped to 'poor woman'. For all you know, she'd been a perfect arse for the last couple of hours.

Admittedly, this contrasting scenario sounds less likely; but all the more reason not to go leaping in with nothing but supposition

AdamNichol the seat was offered to his wife who op dh was kind enough to give it to him, and who clearly needed it. The husband with no regard or care to his wife who clearly looked ill, went in quickly and took the seat. This reaction to op dh who stood up to him, says it all. Not a nice person, I wonder what goes on behind the scenes.

Why does someone always try to defend the indefensible? Its perverse. If this nutter really did have a worse condition (yeah right as my dd would say) he could have explained in a non violent way and dealt with your dh as a reasonable adult.

The phase "no good deed unpunished" springs to mind..

If her DH was in the right I doubt he would've used such bad language and aggression to your DH. His behaviour had been outed and he was embarrassed. Good. Well done to your DH.

Everyone also seems to have jumped to 'poor woman'. For all you know, she'd been a perfect arse for the last couple of hours.

Perhaps because the OP says she looked exhausted or ill and close to tears.

Regardless of whether the man has a medical condition or not, there was no need for him to be so aggressively rude.

I know KERLA says a lot about posters who defends someone who clearly is abusive.

I can't believe some people are defending this man's behaviour. Even if he was tired, had a bad back or whatever, that still doesn't excuse him cursing and swearing at the OP's DH or talking loudly about his wife 'dragging him out'.
All he had to do was explain that he wasn't feeling well.
Given that his wife appeared to be looking a bit frail and exhausted, any decent husband would at least have checked if she needed the seat more than him before plonking his arse on it.

There really is no excusing his behaviour. He was at best ignorant and boorish at worst a thuggish bully.

I think both parties were being unreasonable. I don't think your DH should've said anything as it was clear that the other two were together. Perhaps in the future he will get the attention of the person he wants to give a seat up for because then it would have been down to the woman to say to her husband "you have it instead" which would have prevented this whole situation.

You have absolutely no idea if the guy needed the seat more. Even in the thread you've made judgements that he's not elderly etc, perhaps he has had enough of strangers making judgements about whether he is disabled "enough" in their eyes? No he shouldn't have acted so aggressively but perhaps your husband's comment was the straw that broke the camel's back? I know I've been there myself which was a difficult situation anyway to then have total strangers judge and harangue because they don't have the whole picture, well most people would get a little snippy.

Note to self: if there is a specific person I would like to offer my seat to, remember to ask them directly, "would you like to sit down?" before getting up.

I imagine this sort of thing happens all too often. Some people are just rude.

The wife was bending over the luggage compartment. I’m early 40s and sometimes it’s hard to know whether to give slightly older people a seat because you don’t want to offend them. But in this case, she looked as if she needed it. Anyway, most men would let their wife have a seat and not just plonk themselves in it.
It’s awkward in a confined space when you can’t get off. I think he just didn’t like being called out and all the, “I was a miner. Do you know what a f**g miner is?” was just defensive nonsense. Also I get really offended at the c word. I get so angry and I’m sure Im not the only one.

Annie it doesn't matter if the husband was tired of having to explain his disability. He was still unnecessarily rude, unkind about his wife, and aggressive on public transport.

Is there no bad behaviour on public transport that won't get defended by some on here?

I think yes, better ask the person directly if they need a seat before getting up, that way you ensure that it goes to the person you want it to go to.

What?

So incase someone has a medical condition we don't know about, we are to sit back and witness and accept bad behaviour.
Or in the case of DV, we also sit back and witness and accept in case we make it worse?

I'd make an informed decision based on what I saw.

The ONE person who actively stood up to my ex is my hero. It DID make it worse, but that's not his fault.

And 'a little snippy' in no way describes this angry man's behaviour.

Oh I love your DH!!!
He was not wrong
Surely we've all been taught manners like this when on public transport.

I feel sympathy for that awful mans wife- she has to go home with him!

The man was undoubtedly an arse. But you don't know what medical conditions he may have had - miners have many, and he might have had mh issues too - you don't know.

not all disabilities are visible.

I would have let the woman have a seat and ignored the man.

I have had situations with my mum when she was very ill where she wanted to go out for the day ,and then it was too much for her and she was in tears adn crabbit and cross and swore at me when I was trying to persuade her to go home and let me go and get the car and bring it to where she was rather than her walk to the car park

You have seen a snapshot , not their whole life.

Your dh was right. If that tosser had needed the seat he could have just said so (no need for details).

Able bodied arseholes are much more common than disabled arseholes.

”She’s dragged me out so mind your own f*g business mate.”

This doesn't suggest he needed the seat. Just that he was a twat.

I don't think it was your husbands place to decide whether the husband or wife in this scenario needed the seat most. The reaction wasn't great from the husband, but I can see where it came from. Your husband has literally no idea about these people.

People seem to think your DH is some sort of hero for standing up for someone, who may or may not have needed it, against her own husband, with whom she can work out who sits on a seat. The idea that your DH did the wonderfully unbritish thing by confronting someone on a bus is appalling.

This doesn't suggest he needed the seat. Just that he was a twat.

Or that he had been dragged out depots his health situation?

Too many judges here

Able bodied arseholes are much more common than disabled arseholes

Well obviously, able bodied PEOPLE are more common that disabled people.

If he really needed the seat, wouldn't the woman have said something to defend him?

It was a very nice gesture from you OP and your DH's heart was in the right place but you can't know that the women needed it more than the man. You can't take tell exactly how able a person is just by glancing at them, I have at one stage in my 20's looked very fit and active but was reduced to walking/ standing for no more than 10 minutes at a time and used to get dirty looks on the bus for taking a priority seat when no others were available.

I don't think your DH was BU even though I have been subject to people assuming I was fit and able in the past when I wasn't. The attitude of the man was disgraceful though and he should have just said that needed the seat and if your DH had of then pushed it further he would have BU.