To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

I wonder whether people who believe in soulmates have never had their heart properly broken. Which is fine, I mean, lucky them.

When I was 20 I was with someone who I believed was my soulmate. I honestly thought I'd met The One and we'd be together forever. Of course it didn't last. He cheated on me and we broke up and I was utterly, utterly heartbroken for about 18 months.

But it toughened me up. I vowed never to give 'all' of myself to a man ever again. I think 'soulmates' relies on complete and utter trust and faith that the relationship is forever. Once you've had that shattered, you realise what a dangerous fantasy that is. And you never truly believe it again.

I spent my 20s dating and had a couple of two-year relationships - in one of them I was settling for a 'nice guy' with no spark. One of them I thought I was in love, but it was actually an emotionally abusive relationship. I mistook intense emotion, even bad emotion for 'love'.

After that relationship ended I met DH. I don't believe in soulmates since I broke up with my first boyfriend. But even though this sounds cheesy, I knew on the night I met DH that he would be my husband. Not because I thought he was my soulmate, but because we just clicked on every level. He was hot, funny, clever and kind. But most importantly a grown up. A proper adult man with no hang ups. A few years previous I would have thought that meant he was 'boring' and 'safe'. But after everything I'd been through with my ex, meeting someone uncomplicated who had his shit together was incredibly attractive.

Also, he was great in the sack. The best I'd ever had. That really sealed the deal if I'm honest.

So, in short, I almost settled, but didn't and then I met The One, but he's not my soulmate because I don't believe in soulmates. If DH and I broke up, I'd be very sad, obviously, but I know I'd be okay and that eventually I would probably fall in love with someone else. Because I know now that it's possible to think you're in love for life and then learn that you can actually have that feeling more than once in a lifetime.

Settled but he’ll do.

I really admire these women who feel worthy enough to wait until someone good enough for them comes along. I’d just end up alone if I did that.

I married my soul mate. I was 25 when we met and he was 23. Got married 5 months after meeting and have now been happily married for almost 40 years.

He is definitely my best friend and I am his. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else, can talk to him about anything and everything and he makes me laugh (a lot) almost every day.

I don't agree that a happy marriage is hard work. Obviously we haven't sailed along deliriously happy every day but certainly have never had to "work" at our marriage or being happy.

We chose not to have children so have never had the strain on our marriage that they can bring

@tinklylittlelaugh put it perfectly for me & I echo her statement 100%:

“Basically I've been incredibly lucky; I went with DH because he was gorgeous and great fun and he grew up into a fantastic, responsible, hard working partner and father. Nearly 30 years now, good times and bad and he's never let me down.”

We have just shy of 20 years, meeting when we were irresponsible young party reprobates at university/ recent grad status respectively in life - but he’s just grown into the best husband, father, chief laundry officer (to my chief dish officer). Works part time over 5 days to take an active role in dd’s school life. And still super hot. And he’s responsible and hardworking and bright and clever and attentive and thoughtful but not in any way controlling or tight. Just the best. I am still so in love with him. It’s not all been perfect and we definitely have had bad times but... OP, find the right version of this kind of guy for yourself.

I'm lucky. I married my best friend and there is still no one on earth I would rather spend time with.

Gosh, what happened to OP, has she gone off to write her article?

People talking about soulmates usually just mean someone they have a really deep connection with, don't they? Rather than someone who's fine, but you're not really sure if you should marry, as you have the sneaking suspicion that maybe the next one to come along could be better!

I married my soul mate. We’ve been together 20 years. He is my best friend and is always there for me. We laugh together and I know I’m lucky to have him.

Yes he can be an irritating arse at times, but luckily that’s not often.

Def not settled.

I've had passion and a love so strong it physically hurt.

Then I met my husband and it was like coming home.

I think "soul mate" means different things to different people.

I don’t really buy into the idea of soul mates but I know I didn’t settle for my husband. We just fit together. We get each other. I wasn’t very sure that I believed in marriage but marrying my husband made complete sense. We’re a team. He’s the only partner I’ve ever been able to been unashamedly myself with. He’s seen me at my most unlikeable but I don’t feel like I have to hide that part of myself from him. He makes me madder than any other person I know but he makes me laugh until I cry.

We’re 11 weeks into parenthood and we’ve managed to weather the storm pretty well so far but I think that’s been because our relationship is rock tight. We can take the passive aggressive, exhaustion induced swipes on the chin because at our core we solid. Who knows what our future holds? But, I can’t imagine ever wanting a future without him in it.

I think a soulmate isn't one particular other. It's a match/closeness, with an other on the same level. A rarity indeed. If once in a lifetime you've hit the jackpot. This life might not be that path though.

Soulmate maybe not initially- more lust then - but after nearly forty years together we are more than soulmates. We married and ‘became one’. We make each other laugh as no other person can, we trust entirely and without question, we know what the other is thinking. Our love is enduring and unconditional. The minor personality differences and irritating habits pale into insignificance. We are two halves that fit very well together. We’ve worked hard to get to that point. We made a lifetime commitment and are vows we’re definitely for life regardless of how difficult life became. We knew we’d always work through the tougher times together.

My niece thought she had found her soulmate and wedding plans were underway, then she split from him, met someone else and said she had truly found her soulmate this time. They got engaged, moved in together and had a little girl. 4 years later she is now happily married to her soulmate, only thing is he’s a different soulmate. Apparently second soulmate turned out not to be her soulmate either, but she assures us this one is.

lilyheather1
“I don't like the saying that you have to work hard at relationships, it implies it's a struggle and one that you're constantly aware of.”

For me it’s not working hard at the relationship but prioritising the relationship (and the other person) when things go shit. My DH and I have had to work hard at our relationship over the past couple of years but that was down to grief and circumstances testing us. We started - and completed - counselling because we knew we loved each other so much but were both a bit lost after a hard few years.

I’d say DH is my soulmate. We got together young but had been friends for a while previously, we just click. I like the term a PP used ‘kindred spirits’ as our values are the same and we have similar interests and likes.

The best quote I’ve read is ‘love isn’t looking at each other but looking forward in the same direction’ - so to me a soulmate would fit that bill.

My exDH was my soul mate, we both knew the day we met that we would be together. The ex bit might give you a clue how well that worked! I left him when I realised he was capable of having more than one soul mate at a time!

My current DH is a beautiful person but I have realised that once I provided him with the children he thought he would never have, I lost some of my attraction. We have stayed together for the children, and because we really are best friends, but it has been tough at times, and I long for intimacy. Our children are adult now and if I met someone else I would be tempted, but not sure I would risk losing my best friend.

I didn’t believe in soulmates until I met my husband. I can’t explain it really because inwalways thought it was naff but he just isnmh perfect match. We just get each other and have such a strong connection.

I had a LTR before with ten father of my eldest who I thought was something like the perfect but looking back it was just was just infatuation and I let him walk all over me because of it. I changed who I was to be more like the women he wanted etc butnwith my husband I’m just me and he adores me for it.

I do roll my eyes at people who have to tell others that their partner is their soul mate (when everyone knows each other). A certain family member was very very keen on impressing this on us when they got engaged a short while after meeting their partner online (who had very different interests, personality and outlook). They’re still together although one partner has definitely moulded themselves into ‘soulmate material’ to fit the other.

I definitely haven't settled, my DH was my best friend for years before we got together. Of course you work at a relationship, but I've never had a connection with anyone else the way I have for him and that connection has been there a long time so I don't see it going anywhere

My husband is my best friend. He calls me on my shit, makes me laugh, looks after me whilst I’m totally independent. I literally can’t tell you what a wonderful man he is. There’s him... then everyone else.

I met my “soulmate” but we didn’t work out. Then I settled down, rather than settled. I think my “soulmate” would have had some amazing happy times, but also some gut wrenching awful ones. I married someone who doesn’t cause such extreme highs and lows. It might be the stuff of romance novels but I don’t think it’s a great environment for bringing up kids.

I didn't think I'd settled for my exh, but I hadn't met that many men and really had no idea what I was missing. (The father figures in my life aren't a good sample!) I'd find excuses for his flaws: men think differently, he comes from a different place to me with a very different culture, etc. I thought he was emotionally aware, as he comes across very non-macho, enthusiastic, kind at first. (His OW also thought he was an emotionally intelligent man.) Much later I grew to realise that he actually didn't even understand me as well as I'd thought, he was just agreeing with me, which he tends to do with new people. And since we broke up I've met a couple of men who are more emotionally intelligent. I was just under-estimating men and so accidentally mistook my ex for someone great. Obviously, the rose-tinted specs are off now, so I may be exaggerating - but now I get the impression that it takes at least ten years before you even start to get to know someone

I thought I was settling but he turned out to be my soul mate

Sour grapes?

I met DH when I was 20 and was smitten straight away, as was he. Next week is the 40th anniversary of when we met, and we are still happily together.

Quite the opposite. I’m in a long and happy marriage and had a life, too, with plenty of adventures before committing and starting a family.

You seem to be defensive of your soulmate status, which makes me believe in my first post even more.

I don't believe in soul mates. I've not settled and wouldn't. Not fair on me, not fair on any children involved.

I don't even know what "settling" means. I live very happily on my own, so had no need or want to marry. I married because I met a man whom I admired and wanted to grow old with. It helps that I never wanted children, so never had an age limit to find anyone.

But then I don't believe in "soulmates" either, I believe every person has a number of people who they could fall in love with and be compatible with. If there was really only one soulmate, do you really think they would always, just by chance, be in your proximity? Don't you find it suspicious that most "soulmates" live in the same town, go to the same school, or college, work in the same office or walk the same routes? If there was genuinely only one soulmate per person, most people in the World would never come across them.

Most relationships - even soulmates - require some level of settling. You have to decide that that person is the best your going to get Regardless or any annoying traits! I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have any minor grievances about their partner (even though they love them dearly). However, likewise I don’t know anyone whose married someone thinking ‘he’ll do’.