To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

What a time for this thread to come around. OP I thank you.

I am in a dangerous position of feeling a bit bored with my relationship with DH. And a new person has come into my life who I have feelings for (but obviously have not acted upon).

DH has many great qualities, he is calm, intelligent, hardworking, moral, always does the right thing by me and DD, talented and attractive. And yet something feels like it is missing. He rarely tells me he loves me and our sex life is meh. But I can rely on him without question.

I just read above that someone had previous loves that were so strong they gave actual physical pain. I had that with someone once, and i often think about him I wonder if some people have that in the marriages and that i am missing out. I also think it's interesting that I have never ever mentioned his name to DH even when we have discussed previous partners. I like to keep it closed off.

But what strikes me about this thread is that to love is to work hard, to accept that love is not the excitement at the start of a relationship, the butterflies and great sex, it is the work that goes into its maintenance. that is the love part.

I also dont believe in soul mates, I think there are many people in the world that I will be compatible with. I'm not sure humans are naturally monogamous either, and that monogamy is perhaps a social construct. I am completely monogamous with DH though.

But after reading this thread, I feel a renewed energy to tackle some of the issues we are dealing with at the moment.

Never settle, I was engaged when I met DH. Something just clicked and I knew I had to end the engagement.
We were married the following year and celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this year...oh and we share the same birthday and age!
DH says we were meant for each other, and I feel so lucky I found him.

"For those that feel they settled does it affect your sex life?"

Yes, it doesn't exist.

Out of interest, all those who say you have to work at a marriage/love etc, do you still fancy your partner?

I'm not sure if it counts as "work" but we have to make sure we make time for each other. We both have demanding, senior management roles at work (mine part time), have DC - 3 and 9. Smaller one is not a great sleeper. The older one understands some Friday or Sat nights she needs to go to bed early (with a book or a film) so he and I can have some time just the two of us, just to hang out together. I think things like that easily slip at this time of life - small kids, busy jobs - and if you don't put some effort in now, you could possibly grow apart and find that once life slows down a bit there isn't enough there for the two of you.
So for me, loving him doesn't take any effort but making time to "nurture" our relationship does. We do make it a priority though as if we don't make that effort, we really miss one another! We really enjoy spending time together.

And yes, still fancy the pants off each other.

I met my 'perfect' partner after* having children. Not everything happens in the linear ways that society expects.

*I don't really believe in soulmates or 'perfect' but couldn't think of a better word. I'm basically with a person who a I love deeply, fancy, feel totally comfortable with and trust completely.

Also, on a slight tangent, a lot of my friends have developed polyamorous relationships. Although not a thing I would consider, and although I was initially very sceptical, I'm starting to think they're onto something. Not that it looks easier than monogamy, but the honesty and dialogue that goes into their multiple relationships seems very healthy, actually.

I learnt that mad, crazy can't live without you love was unrealistic! I learnt that living a good, kind , gentle man who loved me was more important than torrid love.

So in the sense you mean I settled I think. He is my soul mate now, but we didn't have the 'can't live without you'd phase.

The trouble with 'settling' is that people don't mean the same thing by it. An ethical, kind-hearted man who feels the same way as you do about having DC and raising them, about where would be a good place to live and what sort of lifestyle is the most appealing - that's not 'settling', that's making a sound and sensible choice (as long as the idea of sex with him for enjoyment as well as conception doesn't make your skin crawl, of course.)

But some women 'settle' by setting up home with any available man, just because OMG A MANNNN! and try to ignore that he's a lazy prick with no manners, isn't interested in having children or getting married, has a minor substance abuse problem or just looks and smells like a split binbag.

There are plenty of reasonable-looking, good-hearted, fundamentally kind and decent people out there. If, when you are at a point in your life of wanting a partner and kids, you start to look for The One, there are usually a fair few to choose from who are, more important than anything else such as fashion sense, equally interested in pair/bonding and parenthood now . Any of the basically-OK ons would make a good partner/co-parent for you. THe rest is luck more than anything else.

@mydogisthebest
Do all the posters that say you have to work at marriage or that marriage is hard work have children? ...we both like to do thoughtful things for the other but surely you would if you love someone?
There's a huge difference between "you have to work at marriage" and "marriage is hard work", where I come from at least :) I think you have to work at every relationship. That may partly be because I'm an anxious kind of a person with a constant background fear of rejection. But surely in any relationship it's easy to get a bit lazy, not phone as often, etc.? You have to put in a certain amount of effort, don't you? Remembering birthdays, thinking "I haven't called Aunty So&So in a while"?

I didn't find my marriage hard work, but I was aware of trying to keep it fresh. Not just because we have children; my exh worked away from home for 3 years and was only back at weekends. In that time I got used to doing my own thing without him. And I'm a foreigner where we live and had no family or old friends to rely on, so I had to make sure I didn't expect him to provide all the support I might have got from them, and remember to support him. Just as a couple of examples. The children did make something of a difference: after 15 years of someone having to look after the kids, I found I had to actually remind myself that now we could just leave them at home and go out and do stuff on our own again. None of this came naturally to me. I'd say that's entirely a reflection of my own personality, nothing to do with the partner I chose.

@ReanimatedSGB - The OMG A MAN choosers often don't even think they have settled ... how many do we see here saying that he's done every crap thing in the book but they are staying because he's their soulmate. In that respect I agree with the couple of comments that the soulmate concept can be dangerous (when the soulmate is an abuser).

When I say our relationship needs work - that is because we are both difficult people to live with at times.
We both work very busy jobs, I have a horse which takes up most of my free time so we have to make time for each other.

We both have very quick tempers and strong opinions so we can argue a lot because we both want to do things our way and learning to let each other have their way (and not sulking about it) doesn't come naturally for either of us. When you have lived alone for 20+years, physically sharing space is challenging sometimes! But I love how it is changing us both - we have been through an enormous number of stresses - but they bring us closer together not further apart.

For example we have had a suicide, bankruptcy, 4 house moves, new jobs/careers, family ill health and now infertility in the 6 years we have been together. Any one of those could finish off some relationships.

But Hollywood/Disney it is not.

I agree @ReanimatedSGB - there is a difference between making a sensible and nice match that may not set your heart on fire, and grabbing any available man.

On another track, I was thinking about one rather morbid advantage The One type couples have, namely that if one or other were to become seriously ill/disabled/debilitated, I suppose you can find joy in caring for them and through the hardship because they are so precious to you on every level, but for more prosaic couples it maybe more grudging, unless you are just naturally a very caring, giving person

I don't really think either. We're not married yet, but planning on it. He's incredible, I love him deeply and certainly don't think I settled - but we're not perfect and I don't see it as some fairytale destiny. I believe many people could be a good mate, it just depends which you find and pick and how well you compliment each other.
Very happy to say that I am coupling with DP because I choose to,not because of some imagined fantasy bond.

That working at marriage is about forgiveness, thoughtfulness, compromise, consideration, empathy. It’s about those old vows - for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, foresaking all others etc Of course there are times you don’t want to do things (go to his work events and make polite conversation or getting up at 5am to collect him from the airport). Of course, there are times you disagree about the children/money/work but you find a way through.
The work is not hard work it’s remembering to warm his PJs when he gets in late. It’s making his favourite lasagne instead of just doing beans on toast. In return it’s him putting the bins out on Tuesday because he’s away on Wednesday. It’s a mug of tea every morning whilst he takes the dog running. It’s flowers on a Friday. Every Friday.
There is no ‘settling’ it’s not accepting second best. It’s about finding the right partner and then tweaking your relationship to make sure it grows and ages with you both.

Don't be/stay in relationship that is not making you feel very happy partner who makes you feel special. I did this with first dh and we rubbed along but I never felt truly loved. Now iv'e been married to second dh for 13 years and he makes me feel truly loved and special. Don't settle, life is meant to be enjoyed not endured. If you want a baby then go it alone and have one. You may meet someone who makes you feel amazing later on when in reality it may be too late for making babies then. Don't miss out on babies if that will make you happy. Plan ahead and go for it.

To give a completely different viewpoint on it, I may have wanted to have been married as a teenager but it's no longer a want or need for me. In fact, having realised I'm on the asexual spectrum it's not even possible for that and other reasons. I really hate being the centre of attention, I'd absolutely loathe it if I was to have a birthday meal in a restaurant with a cake and people singing happy birthday at me as I hate the attention so that would feel worse than that for me. As to the notion of 'soulmates' and 'the one' I personally think that's nonsense used to sell jewellery and valentine's day tat. A lot of my school friends are married with kids now and it doesn't bother me at all. I do feel though that once your friends get married and have kids if you're not the same they kind of become part of a universe that you'd obviously not understand or get so in most cases the friendships can crumble.
As to kids, it's never really been a want and I'm really not far off 40 and I don't consider myself as even having any form of biological clock.
I myself am also on the aromantic spectrum also and I've never really understood much the side of life that is relationships in the first place and find the whole thing rather baffling.

I don’t know about “settled” but I was with my ex for a decade and had kids together- I kind of felt like he was solid, decent etc and I think I did love him, but it was never that gut wrenching, heart racing, feel like I can’t live without him love. We split up when I realised we were never going to work and were only together for the kids, and that I don’t believe he really lived “me”, just having a family unit.
I then met the man I do believe is my soulmate- he makes my heart race and me laugh until I cry and truly is my best friend, we’re taking it slowly, as I’m determined not to rush into another mistake, but I do feel like I’ve hit the jackpot, I couldn’t love him any more and I’m so grateful he came into my life.

Oh and by not rushing into it,I mean I’ve been seeing him 3 years but we don’t live together - but I know enough to be confident that he’s the one