To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

I didn’t settle but when I got to my 30s I definitely compromised and chose someone because they were sensible and steady.

PS it didn’t work out.

last time made the mistake of letting my heart rule my head bog mistake, this time a combination of love my partner in a gentler way, and head saying better off in a relationship than single as different lifestyle to last relationship but wouldnt say i have settled as we compliment each other both have different strengths we bring in

I love my DH to bits. I don't really believe in soul mates either. I believe you can find someone compatible and fall in love with them.

I do have a friend, however, who is in her mid 40s who is desperate to settle down but hasn't yet found someone. I really feel for her but her standards are insanely high. She very much believes in the whole soul mate ideal and won't even go on a date with someone who isn't insanely attractive, successful, brainy, etc. She has so many boxes to tick that nobody ever succeeds.

I'm not saying to jump in with someone who is completely unsuitable, and I'm not saying you have to have low standards or settle, but I do believe in being realistic. There are decent guys out there, but I think there is an element of compromise with everyone you meet.

You sound a little cynical and bitter. I think if you haven't met your "soul mate" you think such a thing doesn't exist.

I also don't believe in soul mates, or souls for that matter, so I'm interested in this ^^
How do you know if you've met your soul mate? What differentiates him or her from other people that you could have a long loving relationship with?

I’d be interested to know whether the people who are happily married will also be found “cynical and bitter”, or whether that’s just for those who are happily single

Another one who doesn't believe in soul mates. It's just chemistry.

I remember my granny advising me to marry a man who was more in love with me than I was him, as it was more likely to last

Turned out the guy I settled for ( for 17 years he played the decent, loyal, honest good guy) loved himself more than me or his kids. It doesn't matter if you settle or if you find your one true love, sooner or later you'll end up on your own anyways.

I don't think there's any such thing as a soulmate, and I think believing in one can lead people to make choices that are not good for them.

I don't believe in "soul mates". I find the idea of a single person out there in the whole world for you monumentally depressing. I believe in kindred spirits though - people you are drawn to and are very compatible with. That said, I'm definitely married to my "big love". I can't ever imagine life without him, and should I ever have to navigate it, I cannot imagine feeling about someone else the way I feel about him. We've been together nearly 13 years, married for 11. I met him when I was 24. We moved in after 4 months, engaged within 6, married inside 2 years. We have 2 kids and I adore him. We get on very well. He also drives me bananas at times but in a good natured way. Definitely not settled.

I would settle, to be honest.

Settled. Definitely settled ...

I think people that believe in soul mates at the beginning of a relationship are set up for failure. It seems like a happy fantasy to me, primed by the culture and brain chemicals. You only see someone for who they are over time.

Therefore, I think you should find someone “good” and then you can seek soul-mate status over time if you have similar values, i.e. if you both want long-term, monogamous commitment. Soul mates are made, not found, IMO.

I’ve been with my DH for 23 years, married 12 of these. I really do believe that he is my soulmate, I don’t mean that we’re totally in synch all of the time as, believe me, we’ve definitely had our moments. I think it’s because we are so alike - both quite laid back, interested in the same things, same sense of humour. I didn’t just settle for him, to me it was meant to be and we’re (most of the time) happy and content. We’ve DC now and I do feel that they’ve cemented our relationship- we were together 15 years before our first came along. I still fancy the pants of him. I think we are both content (hope so anyway!)

I've watched my friend become a former shell of himself after settling for his now wife around 6yrs ago. They're going through IVF and all he has is regrets and just wants to run away. They had another transfer today and he text me saying he almost hopes it fails so he can walk away soon, after their final transfers next year (he has no hope of IVF working).

Don't ever settle OP. It's not fair on anyone involved. And especially not children.

I had a few relationships where i had settled and I know that now that I am married to my DH. I don’t know if I believe in soulmates, but he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He isn’t perfect, neither am I, but we spend a lot of time together and I still get butterflies when I hear his key in the door. I don’t want intensity and crazy highs anymore, just kindness, respect and someone I can talk to for hours (with attraction too) and I have that.

I settled for a decent guy at a ridiculously young age, we were happy enough. Met DH when I was 24 and it was love at first sight. I knew he was a total womaniser so I tried really hard to ignore my feelings and stuck with my perfectly nice boyfriend for a couple of years.

But in the end, I couldn't fight it any more. I was 27 and we were looking for a flat to buy, but I broke things off with my boyfriend and took a chance on DH. All my friends warned me that he was a total waster and I was ruining my life.

Basically I've been incredibly lucky; I went with DH because he was gorgeous and great fun and he grew up into a fantastic, responsible, hard working partner and father. Nearly 30 years now, good times and bad and he's never let me down.

I would post exactly the same as @AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen, who has put it perfectly. DH is not my soulmate, but I wouldn’t be without him for anything.

I'm with @BarbariansMum, I think you've set up a false dichotomy here. I definitely didn't settle. I was both deeply in love and felt we had the same values and that he was a good, loving, solid man. I still feel that and believe I chose right. But I also don't believe in soulmates - he was a great choice, but if he'd never existed undoubtedly there are other people out there I could have been happy with. And we didn't ride off into the sunset either - life with two jobs, kids, a mortgage isn't romantic every minute. If we hadn't been solid and deeply committed kids might well have broken us by now anyway, as they do many "settled for him/her" relationships.

Also, this:
as we've gotten older I'm more appreciative that we both understand that to stay in love, takes bloody hard work and effort. That in itself is love as far as I'm concerned. Not giving up at silly things, having respect and trust.

More and more I believe in love as a verb. Love survives because people choose to nurture it together, to make time, to forgive, to see the funny side.

I went straight to work at a law firm at 18- where I was trained by women who were in that exact situation. (Had focused on their careers until mid 30’s then shit themselves trying to find a husband and have a baby)

I remember sitting at long lunches quite amused by their stories of how dire the dating pool was. It sounded like a human game of musical chairs, with mid 30’s women dancing around a cluster of rapidly disapearing eligible men. There were definitely a handful who panicked and settled hard! But they seemed happy enough.

I was given the advice to find a ‘good guy’ before I was 30 and not to spend my 20’s lusting after unrequited/tumultuous romances as I would NOT want to be married to that guy who ‘wouldn’t even text me back’ in 20 years time.

It seemed to me that this wasn’t exactly settling, just reprioritising and making smart choices for a long and happy relationship.

I’m 26 now and marrying a genuinely amazing man. A few of my friends roll their eyes as he has a very hard profession and is a bit ‘boring’ to them but he’s my best friend and more respectful/ kind than any of my friends partners. We’re just weirdos together and very very similar. We belt out Disney songs in the car and do all the voices 🙈😂!!

Had I been more superficial or in search of the fairytale I wouldn’t have met him as he was very shy and reserved to start with xx

I also don't believe in soulmates but I love my dh very very much and I don't want to be with anyone else. He's a good, kind and loving man, and we're really happy together.

I think it would be better to look into having children by yourself than settling for the wrong person. You need someone who you can absolutely rely on when you have children and I honestly think it would be better to be alone than to be with someone who let you down all of the time.

settled

@LoniceraJaponica

You sound a little cynical and bitter. I think if you haven't met your "soul mate" you think such a thing doesn't exist.

@JacquesHammer doesn't sound cynical and bitter at all! You do sound a bit smug though.

I don't believe in soul mates but I don't believe I've settled. I'd had opportunities to settle before I met him but walked away because it didnt seem right. With DH it just felt right to be together and for various reasons it wasn't easy at first but the fact he stuck around made me convinced he was a keeper. I'm still convinced 8 years later with a second baby on the way.

Absolutely love is a verb, but DH and I were chatting only yesterday and we agreed that one bit of glue that holds us together is the absolute red hot passion and adoration that we had for each other in the first couple of years we were together. It's carried us through a lot, even now that those initial feelings have mellowed.

Settled. Dh is a decent guy but he was only ever intended to be a stop gap transitional man.

Thank you M4J4