To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

I don’t believe in soulmates either. I love DH, we’ve been together for 20 years and he is funny, clever, kind and gorgeous. He has his flaws, but if I’d dumped him the minute I noticed them we would have split up about two months in.

Equally I’m sure there are plenty of other people I could have made marriage work with. They wouldn’t have had the same positives that DH has, and the resulting marriage/life would have looked pretty different, but I think I could have been happy.

So I guess it depends what you mean by “settle”. If you mean sticking with somebody who isn’t 100% perfect on paper, because you love them and the relationship works, then yes. If you mean getting pregnant by somebody you don’t respect (or find attractive, or there is some other major dealbreaker) knowing you aren’t planning to hang around, then no. Coparenting with somebody you don’t like is hard. Go the sperm donor route.

I met (lovely) DH at 22 so I didn’t have this dilemma, but if I’d been 37 and single then yes I would have settled for a kind, decent man rather than risk being childless.

Don't settle. You don't need a partner in order to have a child. The partner could come along later.

This.

Op, I would look into making your family in other ways rather than wait for the right man. You’ve got all the time in the world to meet a man, but starting a family is more pressing.

I don’t buy into the concept of ‘soul mates’, nor am I a fan of marriage. I have seen many people marry their ‘soul mate’ in a hugely extravagant ceremony, and I have seen them divorce painfully a few years later.

DP and I have been together, very happily, for over 20 years. I’m not perfect, and neither is he. Our relationship is a partnership of financially independent equals, based on close friendship and mutual respect as well as love. We stay together because we both want to, not because we have to.

FuckCalm I hear you over here!

I thought I had found my soul mate . Turns out I've just settled. Very unhappy . 24 years and I've never felt so alone.

I met my husband when i was 21 (he was just 22) we are 29 now and i love the bones of him, he is my best friend in the whole world.
He is the first best thing that has ever happened to me (our son is the second).
Dont get me wrong he drives me nuts and theres times i could happily murder him 😂

I have not settled but equally I dont know how i feel about the term soul mate. Theres so much more to it than the fairy tail "soul mate".

The picture i attached is something i found on Pinterest just before we got married, i pinned it on our notice board.

So after that long ramble, id say dont settle

Complete soul mate

It's not been easy. But we've grown together. We match. We have so many similar likes and dislikes. We're twins in personality, but I wouldn't say "soul mates" - I think there are so many humans out there that match our personalities and qwerks etc that there is never, ever, just one "soul" for us. It just so happens I met someone early in life that I've been able to grow with and adapt with and surf through all the shit in life with and so far it's just happiness and contentment, though I'm under no illusion that life loves to pull the rug out from under all that. I wouldn't change him for anyone.

My relationship with stbx started in a very full on way. A week long one night stand. 15 years in I 100% thought he was my soul mate. But we completely fell apart and 20 years in we are nearly divorced now. No affairs, just a relationship that couldn't withstand the challenges of grown up life. That said, I cannot imagine settling. I think I'd rather be alone if i cannot find that head over heels intensity again.

I "settled" at 23, for an adoring, kind, hard working, lovely man. We had 3DC together and hes always been a wonderful father. There were never any real sparks between us but we were pretty happy for 13 years. Sadly, we realised we weren't feeling what we were meant to be feeling and parted. We both then quickly met our "soul mates". DH number 2, 17 years on, is everything i could possibly want or need and exDH is also very happy. Webremain very good friends. I consider myself extremely fortunate.

Having said that, had I met someone later in life, I think I would;ve settled, for someone kind and decent. I wouldn't have looked for "chemisty" etc. Just a decent human being who was good and kind and honest.

I settled for someone who wasn’t right for me.
I refused to listen to my niggles at the time. But I certainly didn’t start wth the idea that it was only to get a family iyswim.
Maybe I should have listen to my intuition but then I wouldn’t have had my two dcs...
I wouldnt have had the many opportunities that came with been married and been able to support each other (financially).

I’m not a good example of someone who ‘just knew’ he was the right one.

Over time, I have drifted towards a more cynical approach.
Plenty of things can put a spanner in the works of what looks like a good relationship. Which makes me think we shouldn’t ‘settle’. More appreciate what we have when we have it and learn NOT to settle for second best when it becomes obvious things have changed.

I settled. Although it didn’t feel like it at the time. I’d been single for ages and when a relationship came along I threw myself into it and loved falling in love. I didn’t stop to think if he was right for me or not.
I have two beautiful children though.

You shouldn’t settle but absolutely be open to people who are less than perfect.

I'd suggest there is somewhere between "soul mate" and "settling" - it's called compromise. Having said that, there should be somethings that quite rightly you never want to compromise on especially if you are planning on having / raising children with someone. I have a good friend who compromised on character flaws with someone she later had children with, those flaws have become humungous negative traits both in terms of the child 'inheriting' them as well as failing to have a single shared approach/attitude when dealing with that in their child eg. flexible with truth/manipulation of situations, attitude to money, how important they each view family/extended family etc.

Maybe I'm cynical/bitter but I think it is highly unlikely partnership/relationships last as long as it takes to bring up children. But whoever one chooses to have children with you need to have enough shared ground to be able to co-parent successfully.

I settled, but not because I was running out of time, but because the man I was truly in love with (and he with me) had passed away (I was 24 & he was 27) and after a couple of totally 'lost' years, where I partied too hard and slept with too many unsuitable men, I really wanted to love and be loved again.

My OH was the first proper relationship I'd had after being bereaved. and although I did really love my husband when I married him, I never really stopped to consider how little we had in common and how different our upbringings were. It meant that after a couple of years and then later after a couple of children, we didn't and still don't have any real shared interests to keep us linked emotionally.

We've been married 20 years and at times it's been bloody hard. I've hated him and I'm sure he's felt the same. Our girls are 18 and 16 now and I've reached the point where I can see that although I still love him, sometimes I don't like him very much.... and conversely I can then go through periods where I like him but don't think I love him enough.

I'm not sure I believe in one soulmate, and have no idea how my life would have been f I'd been able have a future with my other boyfriend, but I do sometimes think that I should have considered my options a bit more before I took the path I'm on now. That's not to say I'm not mostly happy with my life, but I definitely let loneliness cloud my judgement.

I married at 22, am 33 now. Have no doubt I married the man for me, he isn't perfect but neither am I however we work so well together. Can honestly say I am still very happy and in love with him.

I know two people who married because of the biological clock - one settled, and one got swept up by a twat who was a charming boyfriend but a vile, selfish husband. Settled friend is still unhappily married 10 years later, staying together for the child that was produced in their one year of bothering to have sex with each other; swept-off-feet-by-hormones friend is divorced but has the children she/her body was hoping for.

My observations tell me that not being married is far better than being married to the wrong person.

My DH and I met at age 20, married at 22. I don't believe in "soul mates" either. When I met him, I knew he would be a great Dad because he loves to have fun, and he makes me laugh every day. He is also honest and has great integrity. Being with him wasn't completely overwhelmingly exciting, but it felt like coming home. It doesn't sound romantic but we are very happy together. I think it works because we both have the same view that our marriage is the top priority in our life. I definitely love my DH more now than I did 20 years ago. He is my best friend because I have chosen him to be that and we've made a wonderful marriage, essentially by deciding to do just that.

I think its not that straightforward - on the other hand its far simpler! after more years than I will say (think decades) I still find him interesting to talk to & to listen to. We certainly don't always agree :) but we can talk through issues & we never go to bed angry. I wouldn't want to marry someone else - we are best friends. Simply, we care about each other & love each other. But the term soul mate - it suggests that there is only one person in the world you are looking for & you expect that sudden heart stopping moment that will last forever with the same intensity & that is not how it works. I have seen arranged marriages that have been extraordinarily successful (not forced please note!) because both people in the couple want it to succeed & fall in love over time. Love is something that you need to work at & build on - it changes & develops & that is how it should be.

I don’t believe in soul mates. But... (Vomit alert) my husband is my best friend and is definitely the best thing that has happened to me. But.. we met in our late 30s and have not been able to have children. I’m ok with that and he has DS from previously marriage. Not a sob story but just a reminder that things don’t always work out as you expect them to.

Limit I only meant for my now DH to be a fling (he wasn’t quite cool enough for me in those days) but I fell head over heels for him.

20+ years and 4DC later, he still gives me butterflies.
Don’t settle, find some one who also wants to be a co parent but do it honestly.

Neither settled nor soul mate. I met someone when I was 35 and I didn't feel he was my 'soul mate' but I did think we shared the same outlook on a lot of things in life and he was a lovely bloke with many good qualities, good looking and fun to be around. I think by the time I got to 35 I didn't really believe in finding a soul mate anymore, it's too idealistical and naive.

I've stayed single and that suits me fine. My DS was surprise but at least the man I got pregnant by is a decent man and a wonderful dad - and he and I were old pals before the pregnancy and have basically remained pals who co-parent. (DS lives with me, his dad sees him regularly and contributes financially - and the three of us go on holidays together from time to time).

Don't 'settle'. Couplehood is not compulsory. You could have DC via donor sperm, consider adoption/fostering or, if you have a male friend who wants to be a dad but is not into couple-relationships, you could perhaps co-parent with him.

I would never have had kids without believing Dh and I would last.
I don’t really believe in soul mates but I know when I had ds I needed dh like I’ve never needed another person in my life. I would not have had a child with anyone I wasn’t sure about. For me it wouldn’t have been worth it.

I railed against my DP for ages, actually years, because our relationship wasn’t just wild chemistry and crazy emotional highs and lows like I had had with previous boyfriends. It didn’t matter that those relationships were all disasters. It took some unexpected events for me to realise that I was in love with him, and that the qualities he has - kindness, similar interests, shared sense of humour, being an all round good man - were actually what I needed. He’s my absolute best friend, my safe haven, and I love him so much. Sometimes I wonder if I settled for a less madly exciting physical relationship than I could have had, but the flip side to that is feeling secure and loved, and loving without question, even if we’ve not had sex in a fortnight and he hasn’t brought the bins out.