To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

Out of all the couple's I know. Myself included i know 2 who are soul mates.

I'd never put off having kids for a man, much less a man whom I haven't met and may not even exist. At your age I'd go for it alone. I'm very happily married but also don't believe in 'soulmates' concept at all, or 'the one'. There are many people in the world you can be happy with. Happens all the time, I mean, people who've had wonderful marriages and then one spouse dies and they're able to find someone else they're equally happy with, after all.

You're running out of time. I'd get the ball rolling on sperm donation.

I remember my granny advising me to marry a man who was more in love with me than I was him, as it was more likely to last

That is good advice. It worked for me.

It depends on What’s important to you.
Lots of people jog along really happily with a decent guy. Nothing wrong with that.

But if your burning desire has always been to find a soul mate, you know that you need to do that.
Only you can know that.

I don't like the saying that you have to work hard at relationships, it implies it's a struggle and one that you're constantly aware of. I've never felt that way about my husband, I love every inch of who he is and count my lucky stars every single day for the wonderful life we share.

I don't believe in soul mates. Soul mates is such a strange concept and why do soul mates all happen to live near each other?

I have not settled. I am married to a man who I love and want to be with.

@FuckCalmRhageOn I not only agree with everything you posted but I loved reading it, it really moved me with it's honestly and explanation of what love really is

Definitely didn't settle BUT don't believe in soulmates. Love my DH with all my heart but I do believe I could have met someone else if I didn't meet him IYSWIM.

Everyone settles - compromises - to some degree though. It’s just figuring out what you can and can’t live with. So you may as well settle pragmatically. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing.

Settled, but I could do it all again I wouldn’t x

People who believe in soul mates tend to have affairs.

I am very happily married and have 3 dc.... however I do not believe in soul mates. I think if you are looking for someone who is perfect for you'll be looking a long time. everyone has flaws of varying degrees. it's about finding someone you can happily live the rest of your life with. so someone you get along with, laugh with, share the same values and can talk to.
I think the most important qualities for a happy marriage is someone who is kind and reasonable. by reasonable I mean someone who you can discuss any issue, big or small and agree a way forward that means you can both be happy.

I don't think I settled, but I did choose someone who was more like a best friend, made me laugh, who was ambitious and I knew would make a good father; instead of someone like my ex who I had extraordinary chemistry with and who I lost my head over and fell passionately in love with the moment I met him. Because the ex, my 'soul mate', also broke my heart into a thousand pieces and I know my husband would never ever do anything to hurt me or our children, and will never let us down when it comes down to the things that really matter. I actually don't believe in soul mates, but I do think some people manage to find someone they have a lasting passion and friendship with. They are the lucky ones. But I am content with my marriage and our life; and in my eyes our children are so wonderful that I cannot put into words the love and happiness I have felt since having them. But there is no doubt children definitely put a strain on even the strongest marriages, and there have been times I have questioned my choice in husband. But when I've calmed down after a big argument and had some sleep, I soon realise I would not change a thing in reality.

I met my 1st husband and married young, he was abusive

My 2nd husband I settled with, had kids quickly and I was so unhappy. I stayed for the dc, but ended up leaving as I couldn’t hack settling.

3rd time is a charm, I’m with a man I love, respect, find attractive and he’s my soul mate. It’s taken me over 40 yes to find him. It would have been so easy to stay and settle

Don't believe in soul mates. Marriage is a work in progress till the day one of you dies. I didn't settle either. My DH is a gem. We met on a blind date and by our second date I knew he was something special and the man I would likely marry.
We've had rough times and sad times but he's still the man I want to spend my retirement with.
He's the sort of man overlooked by other women searching for their soul mate - more fool them!

Oh I 100% settled.

& the trouble with that, is that you set up a dynamic where the person you settled for, if they've any perception at all, notices it.

After 10 years (& 3 kids) of being adoring but a bit boring, my ex found someone who was actually a bit smitten with him. So he had an affair (& I LTB).

I'm happier now, whereas I suspect he's not - OW didn't last.

What I have taken from it is that settling is probably ok if either you're both being pragmatic, or the 'settling' partner is grimly committed to faking it.

Ultimately, I couldn't hide the fact that I just wasn't that into my ex, & - whilst he's been a massive knob in all sorts of ways - I can't really blame him for deciding that being with a partner who'd settled was not enough.

With hindsight I created a rotten deal for us both.

@ChampooPapi - thank you lovely. Its just how I see marriage. Well mine at least. Everyone's experiences will alter their own view.
DH survived hell quite early on and in all honesty if that didn't break us, I'm not sure anything can
(if you heard me scream about his snoring it would make you think differently )

Boy, body clocks have a LOT to answer for.

In hindsight I "settled" for my ex because I wanted children. Don't get me wrong, he was a good man and, in the beginning, I did love him, but he was never my soul mate (despite me trying to convince myself he was) and even without his subsequent illness/change of personality, we were never destined to grow old together because our basic take on life was quite different.

ALL relationships, soul mate or not, take constant work. Life throws you curve balls and ikky stuff and relationships can be derailed and undermined surprisingly quickly if your basic outlooks are too far apart - just like any friendship. If your bestie and you disagree on too much too often, you are not going to be best friends for long. A life partner is no different.

Been with my DH for 27 years, married 24, 3 children and now 6 grandchildren, I am with my soul mate. I didn’t feel that way when we met, I’ve realised it over the years. We rarely argue, he is very laid back to my do now, regret later personality. I’m now disabled and he cares for me with love and respect, he’s my best friend and I tell him everything. Nothing gives us greater pleasure than just being together, and our family add to that. I couldn’t have married a better man

Umm...NC for this...
I settled. My parents loved him, he'd always been keen on me, but I preferred dangerous men. I used him to boost my ego after another of the bad boys treated me badly. Went along with getting engaged and married (felt bad at the altar as I didn't really expect it to last). Got pregnant, and had the baby I'd longed for then BOOM fell deeply in love with the gorgeous, caring, strong, intelligent, hard working guy I married after seeing how much effort he put into our little family.
20 years on I still adore him, and we are very happy. He does not know things happened in that order.

Well, I wouldn't marry someone I didn't think I could happily live with for the rest of my life, but "soulmates" is a load of old bollocks. You need to find someone you are reasonably compatible with and whom you love enough to make a life with. Similar attitudes to money are very important, though, imo. I do not think you should have children with someone you are already imagining in your head you are likely to get fed up with and want to dispose of!!!

We

Neither. Dp is wonderful but I don't really believe in soulmates, and I think realism is important in relationships that last.

I definitely haven't settled (dp is probably out of my league) but I sometimes wonder if he has.

While I wouldn't "settle" for someone I wasn't that keen on, I would have a think about whether my expectations in a partner were unrealistic. I have known people to rule out otherwise good partners because they expect to find being with their partner exciting, but that is something which doesn't ever last long term I think.

I don’t believe in soul mates but i’m very happily married to someone I love and respect. I feel very lucky and I value what I have but we have good years and bad years and over the years we have each been both good to each other and shit to each other. I have had a different kind of love with other partners, intense, dramatic and sexually charged that I don’t have with my DH but I like it this way. Those relationships were exciting but they didn’t make me happy.
I think you have to define ‘settle’, there is no perfect person out there with whom a relationship will be smooth sailing all the way. It’s always compromise and it’s always hard work. Rather than search for a ‘soul mate’ I would look for someone whose core values align with yours, who wants to have children too and whose company you enjoy.

I feel the same as itshappened in that I had amazing chemistry with my ex and felt as though I couldn’t breathe without him. He obviously didn’t feel the same though as left me in the blink of an eye, shattering my heart as he did so.

I have now been married for 15 years to my wonderful husband and have learnt that all the excitement I thought I had with my ex was actually nervous energy. Life now is calm and nurturing. We have wonderful dc and i am happy with the life we have created. I know that my dh is always on my side and I would do anything to make his life better too. We are a good fit, have lots of similar interests and passions and also lots of differences.

Life is good with him by my side..