To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

I didn't settle and would like to think I never would have. Not sure I believe in the whole 'one and only soul mate' type stuff though.

We've been married 20 years and together 28 years, since teenagers. Very happily together then and now.

Definitely not settled but it wasn’t all bells and bangs either. It was tough at start but we’re both caring people so have worked through and found ourselves best friends and deeply in love. Gets better every year. Those heady crushes before seem pointless now. Very happy with lots of fun and laughter does sometimes happen straight off, sometimes it needs a little time. What you think is settling further down the line may in fact be just right as it turned out. Relationships can be different and evolving. Trust your instincts about their decency though imo.

Romantic love, desire, being in love, magnetic attraction, all good in the beginning, may wear a bit thin under pressure of family life, may return later if you are lucky.
To bring children up you need support, similar values, friendship, cooperation, commitment, communication. Love can grow from these.

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread.

I met my DH when I was 23. I genuinely thought he was my soulmate and I dumped another guy to be with him (there was a crossover). He was fairy recently out of a relationship and had been shagging through our mutual colleagues. I remember telling our workmates at parties I knew I'd marry him. I did somehow know I would - when I first met him, he literally made me breathless.

I wish I'd had a career. 10 years later and it's not looking likely. Kids, debt, etc, and the shine of a "soulmate" is very dulled. I thought I had it sorted - I'd do the career thing later (got pregnant less than a year into our relationship) - but I was an utter fool.

In hindsight he was on the rebound and I was doing lots of partying, drugs, enjoying my 20s, and got caught up in a fantasy. Our marriage depresses me to hell these days.

I'm a Christian, I don't strictly believe in soul mates but I believe that God answered my prayers for a life long companion and brought DH and me together.

Married for 6 years and still feel very grateful to have DH. We enjoy one another's company, support one another and feel good about the life we are building together.

I think it is better to be alone than to be saddled with someone who makes you feel annoyed, on edge or sad.

Of course you have to work at a relationship. Life is busy. Life can be tough. Kids complicate things.

Found my soul mate, then had accidental baby and tbh it's put pressure on the relationship.

So even if you do find the perfect match a baby can be a massive wrecking ball to that.

Just always go with your gut instinct about a person.

I don’t believe in soulmates. I think there are so many factors which influence whether a particular relationship will work and a lot of them are not in the couples control. I also think if there was truly only one person in the world for you, you probably would never meet them. I’m a bit younger and married at 27 but I most definitely did not settle. He’s everything and truly my best friend. To people looking in, I’m sure our relationship looks like super hard work with everything we have been through. But it’s just never felt like actual work. No, I don’t think you should settle. If you want to have children then do that but I think having children with somebody knowing you are not 100% is not fair on them and honestly I don’t think it’s fair on yourself either.

This is so hard as I know women who have done both and regretted it. It's got to be a personal choice, what do you place more value on; kids or freedom from a marriage of convenience?

Also, not so fair on the bloke surely?

One and only soulmates aren't a thing. It's a very silly idea.

I am very happily married and our relationship has never really involved any work or difficulty, but I'm not daft enough to think neither of us could possibly have been happy with anyone else either. Luckily we met each other before we met anyone else who we'd also have been happy with.

As for settling, I wouldn't advise that, but I do think it's worth thinking critically about, well, the standard of mate one might realistically hope to accept. You shouldn't marry someone you don't think you can make a happy life with. That way lies misery. But realistic consideration of the possibility that a person you can make a happy life with and who feels the same about you might not be wadded, model gorgeous etc, if you're not either of those things, is usually a good idea.

Oops cut off there! What I mean is, I have encountered some people who think it's settling if the person isn't really rich, incredibly good looking or whatever, just because that's the idea they have in their heads. If you really can't be happy without your 'list' then you're probably better off not marrying someone without those attributes because you will see it as settling...but better not to have that mindset in the first place, if that makes sense.

I don’t particularly believe in the concept of soulmates. The idea that there is one person for everyone that completes you.

What I do know, is that I absolutely adore my OH, he makes my life better in every single way. We have our ups and down, but ultimately he is my best friend. I wouldn’t choose to be with anyone else. I haven’t settled, but do I think he’s my soul mate? No.

He’s my partner, my best friend, for sure the man I love with all of my being.

To me, working on a relationship means deliberately doing things to keep it fresh, even if you've known each other for decades. Making an effort to get tickets to an event he'll like. Putting down the TV remote and having a drink and chat together. Not spending all your time at home in grimy, baggy underwear. Or, when you hear that story he's told so often that you could tell it better yourself, not just snapping "NOT AGAIN!" but instead smiling and saying "I think I might just have heard that one before, wink wink". For example. Not just reverting to full cavewoman.

I 'settled' at 34 even though there were a few things about him I was not comfortable with. First two years were fine and two beautiful children, until the beast in him came through. How I put up with another 8 years of emotional abuse, I still don't know.

I left 7 months ago and its the best decision I have taken! I am at peace, happy and financially okay to look after my children. He is still no contact!

If you want children and haven’t met the right person go it alone. A friend of mine has recently done this at 38 and says it’s he beat thing she ever done.

I don’t feel I’ve settled or met my soulmate. I met a lovely man who makes me cry laughing, looks after me well and I love dearly. But he also pisses me off royally at times and I could headbutt him into a fine paste occasionally. However, I think that’s life. You meet someone, fall in love but still have to work at the relationship.

I wonder about this all the time. I met someone as I turned 30 and he was offering all I wanted. Stability, kids a lovely life. I now have all of that lovely stuff but it takes a lot of hard work and compromise. I sometimes wonder if there would be someone better suited to me as we went quite quickly into the relationship marriage/kids.

I love having kids but the reality of day to day life with kids is hard. I do wish we had more spontaneous sex and deeper emotional connection that said he is a really good man and a lovely father and busts his balls for us.

I think I definitely would not have wanted to miss out on kids. That I couldn't deal with. Why don't you gets your eggs frozen pronto? Buy yourself some time? Don't settle that's for sure.

My friend settled with a man who she didn't love and she regrets it for sure.

It's a tough call. I'm always wondering if there is such a thing as a soul mate and if I'm missing out on something wonderful or whether I'm just living life in reality and it's tough.

Xx

I met my soulmate ten years ago, we couldn't be together and I met someone who I thought I could have a really good marriage and life with. I didn't settle but he definitely wasn't my soulmate. However he turned out to be an abusive, nasty bastard (even though we have two AMAZING DC) and we are going through the divorce from hell.

My soulmate and I have the opportunity to try again now as our situations have drastically changed, and although I know it won't be perfect - because life isn't perfect - we owe it to each other not to let it get away again. It's not often you get a second chance at something that big!!

Pukesville? Maybe. Don't care though.

Our little boy is in reception. He is 5 on Christmas eve. Quick discussion. With my hub. He is on a lower level of reading book than his friend and he feels he should be higher. We both work full. Time shifts and in our 50s. We'll I'm 49 and he's 51. When our little man comenrs home from schooI I don't like pushing him to read. I like him to chill with us. Am I being unreasonable or should I be pushing him to read.
My hub is very competitive.

Neither. I will NOT settle

I think you have to find soneonecwho has qualities that appeal to you, but nothing seriously unappealing! And then you can let it grow, but remember all relationships need work at some stage. Good luck!

My soul mate turned out to be un-liveable with. His soul mate was alcohol. I chose my husband with my head far more than my heart. We have had our ups and downs but we love each other and are still together decades on.

I like, love, fancy and respect my husband - we'd have an absolute dream of a marriage if he weren't prone to excessive drinking. So it's a bit of a mixed bag for me.

DH and I were friends from early teens, got together when I was 21, now 34.
He is my absolute favourite person in the world. Kindness personified, encouraging, supportive and inspiring. He would do anything for me, and I, for him. We've sailed through all the shit life has thrown our way perfectly content because we've got each other. We don't have a pot to piss in and I doubt that will ever change. We've gone through multiple redundancies, 4 DC close in age, mental health problems, I'm now disabled, a million other things to test a relationship... being with him is the only thing that doesn't feel like work!
If I believed in the concept of souls, I would say we're soul mates.

Romantic love, desire, being in love, magnetic attraction, all good in the beginning, may wear a bit thin under pressure of family life, may return later if you are lucky.

Totally agree. I actually hated my husband for a good amount of time that my children were young. A lot of my friends felt the same. They grew older and the feeling passed, thank god.

I've had two LT relationships and plenty of fuck ups. The first was my (late) DH and the second the father of my DC. I loved both of them, but was never in love with them. They both adored me and definitely loved me more than I loved them. Neither relationship worked out.

I will never ever settle for relationship again where we're not madly in love from the start. If the 'in love' bit isn't there to start with, then I don't think the passion will ever be there.