To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

Interesting @cherries I always thought those that married young kind if mounded to each other.

Although my current DP married at 21 and they are totally different and not at all suited. She was his first and only girlfriend. He had a huge early mid life crisis when he realized that he’d missed out on just being himself. He was unhappy and repressed. His kids must find it strange, their mum and dad so different.

My mum didn't "settle" as such, but certainly jumped into a marriage with my dad because he was the boyfriend she had when she all of a sudden wanted to have a baby and was in her 30s. It took 8 years of ttc inc fertility treatment in the 90s to get me, so I guess in some ways it's a good job she did!

They've been divorced 15 years now, both are remarried to people they PROBABLY should have been with all along... but they got me so how could they ever regret it .

Well, I got married to my ex at 28 and it did last 20 years, which is pretty good 😂

@Canaryyellow1 - it’s the exact opposite I’m afraid. People who marry under 28-32 have the highest divorce rates with people marrying over 32 following.

We married in a good spot then! There's also the example set by parents that comes into it. ILs are a big love story but also bicker constantly and have fallen into unhealthy habits bc. MIL had major unacknowledged anxiety issues and FIL seems to feel sort of obligations to her and so on. I did copy my mum a bit in marrying someone very interesting but difficult, and both DH and I know our respective parents had times of coming close to breaking point, but pulled through, which is one reason I think we'll make it come what may.

It is very arrogant to presume just because you have never experienced it that it doesn't exist

It’s very arrogant to assume that because people don’t believe in it, it’s because they haven’t found their “soul mate”.

It is very arrogant to presume just because you have never experienced it that it doesn't exist.
I would say that it's arrogant to presume that everyone will or should have the same experiences as you. Like I say, I've even experienced the Mills and Boon - it was great! We connected so deeply etc. But the man was unfortunately not all he claimed to be. I could now cry myself to sleep because I'll Never Know That Love Again. Or I could go out and look for someone else I connect with well.

It's worked out for you and that's great. I hope you don't have the same experience I had with my exh, after 20 years of him calling me the love of his life, then getting an OW and telling her that we just came together by accident and I made him marry me.

Didn't settle - dh is amazing - best friend I have ever had. Would rather be along than to have settled - I'm not good at second best.

Both.
In many ways DH is my soul mate. We are very well matched in our interests, our humour, our moral standards, our taste in music, our attitudes to raising DC. He's a gentle, staggeringly intelligent man who is devoted to his children and his wife and would never cheat or wlak out. He does his share of the housework, buys thoughtful, romantic presents. He still makes me belly laugh almost every day - he's very funny. And now DC are late teens and edging towards leaving home, he is genuinely interested in and excited for the next stage of our life together and happy to discuss new adventures and plans so we're not stuck in a rut.

But he is also high functioning autistic, so emotionally I often feel entirely alone and although we've discussed this many many times, he simply can't change. So I've had to settle for that. But when it upsets me, I think of all the so called neurotypical men, who can read emotions and yet shut down that side of themselves to justify running off with another woman and leaving their ex to raise the children alone.

Recently DH had a health scare and I realise he is my rock. I love him and don't want to contemplate life without him. We've been together almost 25 years.

Do bear in mind that the whole concept of romantic monogamy, with all the guff that surrounds it, was invented by men, for men. It's a way to ensure that every man gets to own a woman for domestic service and breeding purposes. Heterosexual marriage has always been set up and designed to benefit men at the expense of women.

Of course, some people find it suits them well enough: they are lucky enough to meet a compatible and generally decent partner. It isn't necessarily a bad thing to marry and have children and stay with that one partner till one of you dies. But it's not natural, and it's not magic either. And the insistence on it being the best way to live is pretty damaging. Bullshit about romance and soulmates is what leads women to put up with dangerously abusive men - or lazy bastards who happen to be charming. It's perfectly possible to raise kids with the support of extended family and friends, either from donor sperm or if you come to an amicable arrangement with a man you don't want to live with or have a romantic relationship with.

We’ve been married over 10 years (married at 23) and we ate very, very happy. Very lucky too!

@cherries I wonder then if some people posting here saying they married their soulmate at 20 etc are deluding themselves? Sorry if that’s a bit depressing. It’s just so many ‘soulmate’ posts are from those who married young.

Just because a marriage breaks down after X number of years, that doesn't mean that people were deluding themselves - they might well have been both deeply in love at first, and had a great connection.

My DH is my best friend, he knows me inside out. I relate to him in a way that I never have in any other relationship. Our relationship is the best I have ever had and truly different to all the others - but also still bloody hard work as we are both very independent people who met later on in life (36 and 40) and think we are always right.

I didn't settle - but over the years my priorities in a life partner changed. I was no longer looking for some "ideal man" nonsense. I took a gamble and found someone that is a great match for me completely by chance. In my 20's and early 30's I set a ridiculously high bar and ruled out every man I met for silly reasons (I was classically emotionally unavailable). Then I got some emotional maturity I think and realised that I needed to change my outlook to find a life partner. Within a year of that change in approach I met my DH.

I don't know what a "soul mate" is - I'm not romantic at all. I know plenty of people who have had more than one perfect partner. For example my cousin was happily married to the "love of her life". He died suddenly. A decade on she is married again - equally happy - but different of course. Was only one of them her "soul mate" then? Which one was it? Can she not love 2 people equally? I think she would beg to differ.

I don't believe in soul mates or 'the one'. Dh is my best friend and I love him. My marriage takes work, because I love him I work at it.

Its funny how everyone’s soul mate happens to speak the same language as them, isn’t it?
I don’t believe in soul mates. It’s a fundamentally flawed concept. However I do believe that out of all the men I’ve met, I’m glad DH is the one I’ve chosen to spend my life with, and who chose to spend his life with me. We’re very very happy. I would hate to spend my life with someone I saw as a ‘good housemate’, and vice versa.

Its funny how everyone’s soul mate happens to speak the same language as them, isn’t it?

I think most people use the word to mean the person they are closest to, trust the most and can talk to about anything. Not literally that there's only one person for them in the entire world and they happened to find them.

Its funny how everyone’s soul mate happens to speak the same language as them, isn’t it? If you look at it as a soulmate other than the one and only soulmate, it makes more sense.

Not sure about soulmates, but I definitely didn't settle. We've had our ups and downs, but he's utterly wonderful. Certainly the best man I know.

I thought I was with my soulmate but it has turned out I was blinded by lust. 15 years on we are still together but very unhappy. If you decide to settle to have children, find someone kind, patient, reliable who you would at least choose as a friend. But in all honesty, it might be better to have a child on your own than with someone you are not in love with.

Settled. The man I thought was my soulmate is married to someone else.

Don’t believe in soul mates. I believe there are many people out there for you who are good fits. Also all relationships are tough at times so good fit or not, they take effort.

Definitely didn’t settle. Met DH in my early 30’s and been together nearly 15 years. Very happy.

Don’t agree with the idea of having to work at a relationship - if you have to work at it then it’s the wrong relationship.

Our relationship took a while to really get going, then a bit longer to stabilise, but over time our love grew stronger and we 'get' each other. Like others, we have had to work hard at our relationship, had to face some tough times, many health problems, family difficulties etc but we both know we are stronger together, are old enough to know that the grass isn't greener elsewhere, and trust enough to be honest even when it hurts, knowing that somehow we will find a way through. Even when we've had arguments or others have interfered and tried to split us up, we will still put on a united front then discuss between ourselves in private later if needs be. Many crises have shown us that we will find a way to cope, to adapt and to be as supportive as we can. I wouldn't say I settled and if having my better half as my best friend, confidant, shoulder to cry on, tower of strength means he is also my soul-mate I'll be content enough.

We don't really have to work at our relationship - what does that even mean, what do you have to do that you think is having to work at it?