MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

You don't have to tolerate being treated badly by this woman op. Christmas/Easter/Diwali/whatever doesn't give anyone a get out of jail free card for being a cunt the rest of the year.

Looks like your in for a miserable Christmas OP. Actually as your DP doesn't really like her but is deep in FOG, and DMil just wants somewhere to go where she is waited on for the duration you can all be miserable together as a "Family". Because apparently Christmas is about being a martyr to those who treat you with distain the other 364 days of the year.

TBH, you could have both compromised. Had a lovely Christmas at home then collected her at 2, dinner at 4 send her home in a taxi at 6. It's just a few hours.

I think the argument has got out of control and will be better when everyone has calmed down.

How are you this morning?

I'm another one who thinks he's in FOG. He can't help that.

I agree with PP about being extra calm now and not getting drawn into arguments about this. He's feeling a lot of stress and he's taking it out on you through the arguments. He should be saying to his mother virtually everything he's saying to you in the arguments. Except I don't think he realises he's displacing...

For Christmas what about giving him the option that you go to his mother's for Christmas dinner - SHE cooks ;) Also means you can leave because DS is tired and he can get a taxi home after he helps her tidy up??

Or going out somewhere altogether as has been said.

But if he INSISTS on being a prick (which is because of FOG although doesn't make his behaviour ok) let him go to hers and don't pick him up the next day.

The threat of divorce over this is abhorrent. And again, I think you need to stay very cold and detatched bringing that up. Not have another argument. By being cold and detatched you can see his reaction - being sucked into an argument by him, which he will definitely attempt, is a way of switching attention away from him.

You are right not to have her over. She's disrespectful to you and you have every right not to have that in your house, especially with your family history. People who say "suck it up for one day" haven't lived long term with abusive people and then created a life for themselves free of that.

fuck that, he will divorce you if you mention your sons xmas being ruined because dad would rather hang with nasty granny?
I would drop him at his mothers tomorrow and say it was nice knowing you and drive off... after all hes packed and ready to go

"Dh is saying he will go to hers and stay the night! Ds would be devastated if dh wasn’t here on Xmas day!"

Let him, I bet it will be the last time he does it, anyway probably just trying to emotionally blackmail you.

If finances aren't too much of an issue, it might be worth going out for xmas dinner somewhere near her, with DH doing the driving.

As others have said show DH the literature on toxic people and mental health.

RE: 'If finances aren't too much of an issue, it might be worth going out for xmas dinner somewhere near her, with DH doing the driving.'

I meant to add and dumping her very quickly afterwards

Maybe best to discuss with him offline and take what’s useful from this thread

I can’t work out of your MIL is a difficult woman or an evil abuser ? But it clearly means a lot to your husband so talk to him

Even though she sounds like a dreadful character, she is still Dh's mum and he wants to spend Christmas with her.

I would invite her for the afternoon, day from 2. She arrives, have a late Christmas lunch (say 3:30) and then watch a film. Then send her home.

And you still get Christmas morning the three of you.

Are you ok OP? You aren't wrong here and your H is being very manipulative. He knows it too, you hit a nerve when you pointed out about your son, hence his massive overreaction.

Try and stay calm. Your DH knows your views so shut down any further discussion he try's to drag you into and restate your stance.

Horrid situation, I feel for you.

There has to be a compromise that works. I would go with letting her taxi over for dinner and booking the return taxi for 2 hours later.

Who else will be there? Would it just be the 4 of you? Would be easier if there were more to dilute the situation.

OP - just read this thread. I hope you've managed to get some sleep.

Have you read Toxic Parents? (I think there is another book called Toxic Inlaws too). You should also look at the "Stately Homes" thread in relationships. There are lots of people there who can empathise with you.

To be honest your DH is stuck in FOG - and unless he acknowledges this and tries to get himself help probably won't be able to see rationally.
Actually him leaving to go there might just remind him that he is choosing the toxic one over his loving family - and just how devastating he is being to his DS.

The biggest compromise I would have made might have been to visit her on Christmas day, maybe for "Tea", bringing food with you so as to not impose. Visiting awkward people is always better as you can leave far easier than getting rid of someone visiting your home.

My mother isn’t exactly the easiest person on the planet. I’ve had a lot of therapy due to my childhood, which makes it possible for me to rub along with her a little better. If my dh told me my mother couldn’t come for Christmas I’d think he’d really overstepped the mark tbh.

You asked people what you can do. I think you both need to have some space to calm down and both compromise. You say you find her very difficult to be around. I suspect that is also to do with your unresolved issues. Neither of you seem to have been blessed with good parenting.

You can’t force your dh to get therapy or change others. But you can get some for yourself and change your reaction to them.

notpushyinterested
She's his mother. She gave birth to him and raised him.
It's one day.

And the other excuses are?

Hi all. I have had about three hours sleep at most, my eyes are puffy from crying so much and I ended up self harming because I was so upset last night.

He never went anywhere after the packing his bag thing. He came down in his coat and started talking more calmly, explaining that he has felt like shit for not seeing her at Xmas the last two years and that she has heaped a mass of guilt on him, and that roughly every two days she emails him begging to come down. He said it’s incredibky stressful and really gets to him. I made my point again about her making me anxious and uncomfortable and he said he knows but this one time we should just deal with her for a few hours (roughly 3). I felt so exhausted I just threw up my hands and said fine, great, let’s have her round then. I reminded him that last time we saw her on Xmas day he said never again and he said well yeah I was probably right.

He wouldn’t admit that he threatened to go and stay there over Xmas to manipulate me but said he made the stupid divorce comment because he felt I was saying he’d be damaging ds by missing Xmas.

He is deep in the FOG.

I feel utterly drained this morning and sick of being beaten down by both her and my own shitty family. Life is a constant stream of shit to deal with.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like the most awful situation.

Do you have someone you can talk to about your self harm? I think it's important that in all this you continue to protect and look after your own wellbeing. Does your DH know that this has had this effect on you - that you have been self-harming (again?)?

I don't know what to advise. I think if your DH knows about the self harm and knows how vulnerable you are to his mother then I can see that this is incredibly painful. Can you do something else for the 3 hours she's there? Is she coming for lunch? That would seem too much. Perhaps after lunch? You could go for a post-cooking/lunch lie down? My DH sees his mum once a year for a few hours. He meets her and his sister. I don't go anymore. I do my own thing. I say that having me there would ruin the atmosphere and this way they can enjoy each other more. My DH doesn't like it but does it because I make him do it - MIL isn't toxic, just incredibly horrible to me and emotionally manipulative of him. But a few hours is OK. If I'm there it's catastrophic. I'm rambling but maybe you need to take yourself out of the picture for those 3 hours. Go to bed, watch some Netflix, read a book, snooze, let them get on with it.

To all those on here saying OP needs to put up with it I don't think you have any idea what an effect people like this can have on those around them - I don't care if MIL shoved them out through her fanny. That's not enough to put up with all the shit and anxiety that can come with having people like this around. What a load of BS. You don't have to put up with people who insult you and make you feel bad about yourself.

A580Hojas - are you saying people self harm to emotionally manipulate people? What the heck? You need to read about the subject. That is absolutely not why people self harm. Here is something to get you started: www.nhs.uk/conditions/self-harm/

If you do have her for Christmas have a line ready. Something like 'MiL I'm not putting up with this kind of talk today, either behave like a decent person or I'll drive you home right own- then choice is yours' - then look at her until she says which is her choice!

I feel very sorry for you. It's a horrible situation for you to be in.

But I do think you have made the right decision. The best thing about it is that you and your husband are talking properly now, without emotional blackmail from either side. It sounds like he is being honest with you.

So you are stronger as a couple, and you can face the old witch as a team. I hope your husband fully takes on board how hard this is for you, and gives you massive support. It must be really difficult for him too.

Make a plan, the two of you. Decide what you want to get from this situation, and how to make the best of it. If there is any possibility at all of helping your MIL to see how her behaviour upsets you, go for it. If not, ignore it, and focus on something else.

Maybe this is a turning point? At the very least, try to clear the air before the actual Day itself. Good luck.

You were self harming over the thought of having MIL there and he’s still insisting she comes?

OP. Your DH is not a nice man.

You poor thing. He is putting his mother before you. You don't have to see her, whatever he says.

So he knows she makes you ill but you should just deal with it because he won't deal with her....

I think you said he passes on you because it gives him an easier life with her. You need to make it a harder life for him if he messes with you otherwise things will not change. Do not give in to Christmas it will not help.

PBobs, 'To all those on here saying OP needs to put up with it I don't think you have any idea what an effect people like this can have on those around them.' I think this is true, for me, anyway. I have no idea, and I can see that it could be harmful to the OP.

But surely it's better for her to face it together with the support of her husband, rather than isolate herself and alienate him?

'You don't have to put up with people who insult you and make you feel bad about yourself.' Actually you do sometimes, in life, have to do just that. Maybe it's better to try to find the strength to deal with it? What the OP is going through right now might be worse than anything she will have to deal with on Xmas Day.

@A580Hojas Wow, what an ill-informed and insensitive person you are! People don't self-harm to manipulate, they self-harm to cope with their feelings. Try learning about self-harm before making such an incredibly ignorant comment!