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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
givemesteel · 25/11/2018 23:43

My opinion is agree to it but he has to agree on some conditions -

  1. If she is unpleasant she is put in a taxi back home
  1. If she is unpleasant you will never be guilted into having her again
  1. On the basis of the above he speaks to her prior to Christmas and tells her the above terms so she knows she needs to curb the nastiness
  1. There is a pre agreed start and end time. The taxi back is pre-booked.

You could always do an extra special Christmas eve this year so that kind of feels like the main event? And if she doesn't arrive until lunchtime you can have a nice morning with dc doing presents etc.

If he agrees to the above it's almost win win, if she's nicer then you've achieved something, if she's nasty then you never have to do another Christmas!

jacks11 · 25/11/2018 23:43

So if OP is being inconsiderate, then so is her OP.

Sorry- should read "So if OP is being inconsiderate, then so is her DH"

JudasPrudy · 25/11/2018 23:45

What a drama about nothing. I'd like to see the comments if DH told you that you weren't allowed to see your parents on Christmas Day. YABU and very controlling.

ohtheholidays · 25/11/2018 23:50

I can't believe he's putting a grown woman over his own child and a woman that he himself can not stand and to throw around the word divorce just makes him seem like a right arsehole!

I hope your alright OP Flowers

MadCattery · 25/11/2018 23:53

If you never saw her at all, and she wanted to come for Christmas, I could see it as unacceptable. But, you manage to see her every couple of months, difficult, but you manage. Would it be intolerable to have her for a meal and chase her off home after? Not judging, just asking.

Cloglover · 26/11/2018 00:02

OP - hope you're OK. Your OH is being totally U and a twat tbh. He sounds pretty screwed up if he's willing to put everything on the line for someone he dislikes so much he will only commute via email. He should be protecting you all from her, not trying to subject you all to her. Big hugs. X

MrsReacher1 · 26/11/2018 00:12

If a partner tried to control how and when I saw my mother, (or anyone), then I would leave them.

Dp saw who he wanted when he wanted. It didn't always work for me - we compromised. I was often left alone with the kids.

I have driven alone to my elderly mother every Christmas for the past 5 years. She is alone so I spend four or five hours with her. If my DP had even hinted that I shouldn't he would have got an earful. Yes it was a chore sometimes but I never regretted it. He used the time to cook the xmas dinner. Why would he have a tantrum about it?

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 26/11/2018 00:13

Ignore the people who haven’t even bothered to read the thread...and the ones who think it’s just the ‘odd narky comment’.

I imagine you’re probably mid row or feeling a bit ‘what the fuck happened there’, but let us know you’re ok when you can.

perfectstorm · 26/11/2018 00:16

@MrsReacher1, have you blocked your mother from your phone because you can't stand to hear from her? Because the OP's husband has his. This is not a single person's issue.

Having said that, OP, I don't think it is reasonable to say he can't go to his mum's either. It's perfectly reasonable to refuse to have her at yours, but he's got the right to want to see her, and to act on that want. She's his mother and it's his decision, just as not seeing her is yours.

You don't have to be his bloody taxi, though!

Singlenotsingle · 26/11/2018 00:37

OP hasnt said he can't see her. She's just said she doesn't want her in her house on Christmas day. He can see his dm if he goes to her house, but he doesn't drive. So he'll have to book a taxi.

gotmybigbootson · 26/11/2018 00:51

Bloody hell. He'll divorce you? Nice.

Ohshitwhatnext · 26/11/2018 01:35

It's one day and probably only the one day of the year when you can acceptably start on the booze at breakfast with a glass of champagne.

TruculentandFarty · 26/11/2018 03:10

I think I'd put my foot down and say "I am never going to want to spend Christmas with your mother, but if you want to spend it with her out of guilt that is your choice and not mine. I wouldn't make you stop seeing your mother, you shouldn't try and make me see her."

and no, I wouldn't do it to keep the peace for one day. That is shit.

TruculentandFarty · 26/11/2018 03:16

Honestly, probably his best bet would be to go over after lunch and take her some, but if he wants to go the night before then that is his own business.

Sweetpea55 · 26/11/2018 03:36

Its his choice to spoil christmas day for your son,,

If she does come to your house i would make sure i wasnt alone in the same room as her.
If DH leaves the room, Id pick up my drink and go too.

If he wants her there then he should entertain her.

You have all my sympathy OP.

KeiTeNgeNge · 26/11/2018 03:40

Let him sod off there in Xmas eve. That way he’ll have ‘got his way’.
And it sounds like he is also a toxic arsehole after your last update so I’d let him welter at his mother’s until he’s desperate to leave.

moredoll · 26/11/2018 04:00

YABU.

flumpybear · 26/11/2018 04:14

He's acting like a spoilt petulant child ! I'd probably have her over and blow up if she dare say anything untoward - you don't need to keep her on side - then drive her home straight after lunch expecting DH to wash up and clean everything

Silkie2 · 26/11/2018 04:19

I think if you give in it will come up other xmasses. Imagine as she ages it will probably be easier for her to guilt you all.
She does NOT come for Xmas. The end.
Stop putting yourself first and put your dh first fuck this, she is toxic, going to hers so DH spoils his DSs Xmas demonstrates she has handed on a few traits. What reasonable person puts their toxin DM over their son.
Let there be some meet up for DH and DMIL but a meal on Xmas eve should be enough.
Or DH taxis over for an hour on th day, but I suspect getting away will not be straightforward and there's a risk of even more guilt being dumped.

SilverLining10 · 26/11/2018 04:28

Let him go op. He will come running back so fast with his tail between his legs because he cant stand her either. You dont have to feel guilted into spending any day with a toxic person. Just because shes his mother? Hell no .

PBobs · 26/11/2018 04:42

I don't see anywhere where OP has said DH can't see his mum. In fact, the suggestion for him to go there for a few hours on the day seems to have been taken onboard. The DH has turned it into some sort of emotional blackmail using his own child in order to alleviate his own guilt.

Spending the morning with OP and DS and then heading to his mum's after lunch - likely whilst everyone else is having a post-lunch doze - seems a good compromise. They can exchange gifts etc and then he can come home in time for bedtime with DS.

He's suggested turning it into an overnight trip - that is something OP doesn't want but instead of negotiating like an adult he's turned it into a divorce threat.

I hope you're OK OP. I think some people are just really lucky to not have MIL who are toxic. I wouldn't host my MIL these days. My DH wouldn't either I don't think. There's only so much meanness, complaining and nastiness I'm willing to put up with to be honest.

IAmNotAWitch · 26/11/2018 04:48

This is where you break the cycle.

It is going to suck.

Think about what is best for your DC. ONLY what is best for them, forget what everyone else wants just focus down on that.

What is best for them is a home/Christmas that does not involve toxic people or putting up with people's shit because of obligation and guilt.

Right, got it. Now, you start from that point as to what happens next.

If DH is going to prioritise is emotionally abusive mother's needs over his DC's needs then is it really best that he fucks off to her.

Draw the line in the sand around your DC, that is my line. I don't allow people in their lives who will hurt them.

Vivaldi1678 · 26/11/2018 05:23

Unfortunately, your Christmas Day is already spoilt because, whatever the outcome, one of you will feel resentful and this resentment will have a knock on effect on the rest of your marriage.

You don't like your MIL, probably for good reasons, but your DH wants her to be with his family on Christmas Day, as she has not been for the last few years and would otherwise be on her own. I think parent-child relationships can be complex and although there is obviously some tension between them, the fact remains that he feels sufficiently strongly about this issue to threaten to go to her on his own or even divorce you if you won't agree to her coming over.

We only have your side of the story, but it seems to me that there are an awful lot of people in your life you don't get on with, including your own mother, and that the common denominator is you. That's just an observation based on the limited information available and I am absolutely not saying that you are not right.

What I would say that, in your shoes, I would grin and bear it, be gracious, and set a good example to your son. Otherwise, you run the risk of long term damage to your marriage.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/11/2018 05:34

It feels like Christmas is a day you feel obligated to see annoying family members.
Tell dh he can visit her for an hour Christmas night.

CanuckBC · 26/11/2018 05:37

What an arse. Divorce you for bringing up your son regarding Christmas. Christmas is usually seen through the eyes of children, the joy, the excitement, and so much more.

No MIL, period. DUH can figure himself out. Tonight, he can go sleep elsewhere as he stated. Asshat.

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